Expressions

We can do no great things, only little things with GREAT love

Mother Theresa

It's funny how we fantasize about a world other than what we live in. It's funny how I dream about a life I want someday. The closer I get to that, I realize, that sometimes it's not all it's cracked up to be.
Let me explain.
Last year at this time, I had fantastical thoughts about living the (dare I say it), "simple life". I actually think it was around this time that I got a lot of my clothes together and gave them away...man that felt great. I decided in my brain that I wanted to help people as a job and I wanted to live in Hamilton, to be amongst the marginalized and forsaken.
I felt like a good human being. I felt like just even dreaming, talking, and thinking about it that I was making a difference.
As many of you already know, I began working within the social service field. I work with teen moms and their babies.
I love it, I absolutely love it. I get to hold babies all day, some crying, some laughing, some sleeping, but all huge little buddles of love.
I just realized though, that this job is not easy. It's not easy, b/c I see and hear about horrible things that happen to these little humans. All of which, don't really have a choice in the matter. This job was definitely more glamourous in thought and dream.
I realized that sometimes changing the world, starts with one person. Starts by changing the world of ONE individual.
Sometimes we can make helping people seem like we were God's gift to the universe. Sometimes I can be prideful of the life I want to live. But with all sincerity, the more and more I start living it, the more and more I realize how much of a struggle it will be.
I realized that when people told me to "come and see", it is necessary to do so. Sometimes loving people means the littlest, simplest, expressions of care, touch, vulnerability, and availability.
It's been quite the experience working where I work. Sometimes I hear about things that should only ever happen in the movies...and even there is not necessary. To be honest with you, it's not glamourous, or remotely attractive.
Mother Theresa was a smart woman. She understood the fact that to change the face of the world, we need to realize that we can only do so, through the purest and kindest little acts of love.

Photographic Essay: My Ovaries

Sometimes when lonliness, isolation, and hurt plague me...all I have to do is look around and realize, I have some of the BEST friends in the world.

Employment---finally!

After having a severe stress attack last night about my employment, I got the call back.
I've been hired somewhere, well, not officially as I need to fill out the paper work, but I got the call. The you are good-enough to work here call. The you are experienced enough to be part of our team.
I'm excited.
I'm also really scared.
I enjoy a challenge, but this is more than that...this is me beginning a new phase of life.
It's the marker all right.

Life is changing...it has already changed...
I'm excited.
But I'm also really scared.

Enough-ness

For as long as you can remember, you have been a pleaser, depending on others to give you an identity. You need not look at that only in a negative way. You wanted to give your heart to others, and you did so quickly and easily. But now you are being asked to let go of all these self-made props and trust that God is enough for you. You must stop being a pleaser and reclaim your identity as a free self.

Henri Nouwen.

I've been a huge fan of Henri Nouwen for a number of years now. Just recently, I've picked up a few of his books and began reading them again.
He's a rather profound man. Simplistic, yet provoking, thoughts.
For a longggg time, I've thought about this concept. The "enough-ness" of God. The idea that I need to find MY identity in something I've never seen, and further, to let that be enough, is mind-boggling.
There's a lot of things I've come to grips with over the last few months. A lot of insecurities, hurt, and discouragement. It's wierd when you get to a place where you're no longer driven by the pain that entangles, or used to entangle, your heart.
Because I'm someone who constantly surrounds themselves with people, with touch, with sounds, with quality time, I consistently face the pressure of defining myself by the relationships I'm in, or not in. I think this will be an on-going struggle.
I think that even further than the "enough-ness" of God, is the "enough-ness" of me. Knowing that I'm enough to be friends with you. Knowing that I'm enough to be someone's daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend, acquaintance, stranger. It's a hard concept to grasp.
Recently, I was thinking about this idea.
And was reminded of the simple idea that if God is enough for me, naturally, I become enough for you.
I've realized that I need to stop being a pleaser, I need to stop trying to constantly find myself in others, I've given my heart to a lot of people...and it's good. But it's high time for me to continually give ownership over to the one who created it.

______________________________________

In a more practical sense. For me, currently, I've been extremely stressed about finding employment. I've applied a number of different places. I had an interview at a place that I would LOVE to work at. They told me they'd call my references on friday and get back to me within the next week. It's currently Wednesday and they haven't called my references or me....major BUMMER.
I'm getting sick, my muscles ache, and I find myself having mini episodes of severe panic. How do I find contentment and "enough-ness" in this?
God has been showing me in the wierdest ways, that in His time, everything will be fine.
I guess this is one my man-made props that I need to let go of, and trust that God is enough.
Enough...it's a funny word.

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.

Henri Nouwen

Intimate

It has been awhile since I've typed out my thoughts on here.
It's crazy how fast life can go.
It's currently October 1st, and I have yet to find a job.
Scary thought, one that I've thought about, worried over and have currently decided to let go of...a job will come when it's time.

A lot has been on my mind since I've last wrote on here. While, I wish I had the time/typing skills to spill everything, there is one thing that made me realize I wanted to blog again.

I've been thinking a lot about the idea of intimacy. I know that when a lot of people see that word, they think of being in a relationship, marriage, or sex. But really it has far deeper meaning than given credit.
I particularly thought of it yesterday. I was sitting with one my girls, Rachel, and she asked me if I liked attending "The Attic" (a night of extended singing). I told her that I liked it because everyone was there, not because I feel singing is my main, or even a substantial, part of my worship to God. She asked me, how do you feel closest to God. I didn't know how to respond. I've never been one of those people that sees God as an emotion...while I know that to some people He is, and I'm not taking away anything from that or trying to de-romanticize the idea of that. What I am in the process of thinking though, is how do I know that God is there? It became frustrating to me last night, because singing seems like such an easy way to "connect" with God. For so many people, that's their emotional tie to God. As hard as I can try, it never works the same for me...and I'm beginning to see, that it never should.
Last night, I spent the majority of my time at the back dancing with two little (and beautiful) girls. The littlest one would always ask me to spin her around. At one point, I remember looking down at her face as I was spinning, and I knew God had given me that moment to be present. He gave me that moment of intimacy, the feeling of a familiar association with him. To watch her face light up, to see her smile turn into a full out giggle, to see her cute blonde curls blowing in the wind that was created by me spinning her. That was my intimate moment.
On the car ride home, I thought about some other intimate times.
Friday night, I shared a meal with 3 really important women in my life, Tali, Deb and Lauren. They came over and we sat around my dining room table and discussed, at length, women's issues and many theories and ideologies of oppression. To care about the deep details of the passion of my beating heart, that was intimate.
Last week, I had all my closest friends over, we also shared a meal. I remember sitting at the top of the table, and couldn't stop smiling, mostly because I was surrounded by people who KNOW me. People who have been united with me and will hopefully remain that way for a longgg time to come.
I also think about when I'm being hugged by someone that knows me the best. Someone that has seen me at my worst and my best. Someone that knows when I'm tired, I get uncensored and cynical, and loves it. Someone that doesn't need to speak or have me speak, but just likes to embrace and know me.
Intimacy is such a unique and special characterization for relationships.
I've decided that sometimes, most times for me, some of the most vivid and important times of worship, come at the most unexpected times. What I'm beginning to see, is that without people, without community, without being known, there can never be intimate times of worship. God has so beautifully designed us to be together so that we can experience Him in human form, we can experience His joy, His love, His grace, His presence through the people around us.
I've heard the phrase, "Come and See" a lot recently.
I think that's the design of our hearts, to come and see God as he designed us and others to be. And to see how being intimate can cause us to be fully present with each other...and I think that's incredible.

Summer of LOVVVVVVVVVVE

Wow,
a lot has happened since i last posted on here.
i wish i could update you on eveything...I'll try and see how much i can.
I don't know if anyone will even see this because it's probably assumed that i've been on a hiatus because I've been up at camp.
This summer, I realized that over the past year i've learned a lot about myself.
I've learned that I'm more aware of who I am and how i react to things.
It's been an interesting summer to say the least.
As I sit here and type I'm even trying to think about what I most want to write about...and I have absolutely nothing in my brain.
LIT has been amazing...every year I'm always astounded at how much I learn from these 15 and 16 year olds.
We just started our last week of official LIT, follow up week we call it.
Today, I was sitting with two of the greatest girls, Nat and Em. We were chatting about taking risk (surprised?). I looked at both of them and realized somethiong so cool, something that i've really learned about this summer, community.
I've been thinking about what community means. Camp has been changing a lot of its rules and procedures to try and better accomodate for a safe and secure environment for staff to feel like an integral part of community. I began thinking about this. It's really true. Camp has been a safe place for me for a long time. Cuddling with the girls, reminded me of how unique the camp setting is. How so fast you can learn to care about someone, how fast you can become best friends with the people around you, how fast you can learn to be trusted and to trust. It's actuallay astounding.
These girls know a lot about me, they know my bitchy ways and my monsterous reactions, they know my good, my bad, my ugly. I've even caught them using a lot of my catch phrases and laughed (phrases like, "that's lame" with the Amanda eye-roll).
We were talking about being good enough.
This is something I'm also so fearful of. Being good enough. Being a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good best friend, a good girlfriend, a good leader. Today, I thought for a longgg time about it with my girls. I came to this conclusion:
It's quite a beautiful contradiction actually, we should never have to feel we need to be "good enough" for people around us, b/c our identity can only rest in one person and that's Jesus. Having said that, the caring community around us is responsible for ensuring that we know we are good enough, and ever further, more than enough, for them.
These last few months have been really interesting in terms of my relationships. I have come to easily trust some of the people around me, and it's been really beautiful. I've also taken up letter writing to some people who are not with me. There's a couple relationiship experiences I'm going to talk about:
1.) I've just (as in the last 2 months) recently started dating the best person ever. While, we are right down the road from each other, visits are minimal especially since camp officially started. Something that I'm learning/have learned from this is that when you are so used to being on your own for a long time, it's hard to think about life in the 2-person. It's no longer "I", it's thinking about "we". Wow, that's even scary to type. The other crazy thing is how fast you learn to really really trust the person. Don't get me wrong, I definitely trusted him with a lot before we started dating. But to know that someone has seen the bad and good sides of me and loves me regardless is hard thing to grasp. It's also a really humbling experience. I've loved the many conversations, txt messages, and even the silences on a long car rides sometimes and I look forward to continually trusting and risking. It's a safe feeling knowing that my heart is valued and loved. He's taught me a lot about the kind of leader I want to be too. He's incredibly dedicated to his staff and kids, consistently placing them above him, even to the point of neglecting himself. He's one of the most self-less people I know, it means a lot to know that I have him constantly challenging me to be a better person.
2.) This is my fourth summer at LIT, I've gone through 3 partners now. This partner has definitely been my 100%, best partner EVERRRRR. Ryan has taught me a lot. He's taught me that even though sometimes people annoy you, you need to love them. For whatever reason, he's ALWAYS right about how love can change people. Any kids we had that were annoying, I noticed that through our love, they felt comfortable and vulnerable enough to share their lives. Often this sharing resulted in me understanding why they acted the way they did. Ryan also put up with a lot of me talking and trying to figure out life. Regardless of my harsh judgements or sometimes painfully annoying habits, he cared about me. He's become someone that I always want to be around, b/c when he's around I always learn from him. He's someone I hope to spend a lot of time with this year. I know it might be a little over the top to say, but he reminds me a lot of Gandhi. He's wise beyond his years and I hope that I can learn from him more and more. I'm just thankful he lives down the street from me for the majority of the year.
3.) A couple of the other staff have taught me a lot too. Two brothers have been working on staff. I was friends with the oldest one (Matt) first and then became really really close to the younger one (Luke) who lives near me in Hamilton. It's been such an beautiful and unique expereince working with both of them on staff. They both are filled with knowledge and wisdom. Sometimes, I just want to sit with them and listen to them talk. It's sometimes intimidating how much they know, more so, that they choose to be patient know only with me, but also so many others. It's refreshing actually. I love knowing that they care about me. Knowing that they look out for my best interests.

I could go on. I've already talked briefly about my girls. It's been such an amazing summer of laughing, fighting, loving, cuddling, crying, and punching with rage with them. It's definitely been a great summer to end off on.
It's crazy that people can change and transform your heart so drastically. It's been almost two months and man oh man has these last two months been so special to my life.
I'm definitely going to miss this community. Mostly because I feel valued and cared for in such a real way. I know that will continue throughout the year in different ways, but it's hard to say good bye to this unique, beautiful, and temporary state of bliss and pain.
I feel like I'm just rabbling here.
Hopefully I've learned something about community, that I can take home and learn to create a better caring community, not that it isn't great already. I miss home a lot. I'm in the middle of missing camp (even though i'm still here) and missing home. Maybe because those communities cross over, I'm really not sure.
I'm so thankful for the time I've had up here. While a lot of shit has happened and a lot of hurt has occured, not only as a staff but personally within me, it's been one hell of a ride. Never ever to be forgotten.
Hopefully there will be more to come this week.

The book I'm currently re-reading is Life of the Beloved by Henri Nouwen, maybe I'll comment on that later.

WARNING: thinking in OVERDRIVE ahead.

After another night of tossing and turning, I decided maybe it's about time to write another one of these therapeutic blogs. My brain is/has been on overdrive for the last week, overdrive might be a bit of an understatement, but for lack of a better word, I'll use overdrive. This state of thinking happens every so often. For the most part, I love when new things come to me, but I've noticed that the process of thinking is difficult and frustrating.
I'd like to think that a core value I have is my relationships. I hope that the people closest to me, know without a doubt that they are important, loved, and so so so valued by me. Maybe I began thinking about relationships because over the last few months I have been involved with people who have shown me raw love, community, and care. So much so that I began wondering what REAL relationships require. Here's my thinking so far:
I've realized that I should rename my blog, RISK...that's usually what everything comes back to anyways.
Life is a one ball of RISK.
In each and every decision we make, there is the risk that it was/is wrong. For some things this risk becomes easy. Chocolate or Vanilla? CHOCOLATE. Fine dining or Pizza? PIZZA. Inside or outside? OUTSIDE. There is little to no risk, because I know what I prefer. I know my favourites, and it's easy to always choose that.
On the other hand, there are many MANY big decisions and risks that we make and take. I think for me, the biggest decisions ALWAYS involve more than one person, they are always bigger than me. I think that's why it becomes so hard to choose or decide that risk.
After talking to a good friend yesterday, I had a "light-bulb" moment, if you will.
To give a little bit of a preface to this light-bulb occurence, there's something you need to know about me. Something that probably by reading my past blogs you'll already understand. I don't like risk. I don't like the thought of going out on a limb, stepping out, further, putting my heart on the line, to have the potential of it breaking or being rejected. The thought of that even, makes me sick.
It's funny how things work out though, because what I'm beginning to see is that risk in any relationship is necessary. Not only is it necessary, but by risking, you're attributing and giving worth to someone. I'd like to go even one step further to say that when risking, when choosing to go out on a limb, when choosing (ohhh gosh, here comes the forbidden word) to be vulnerable enough to share your heart with someone, something so beautiful happens. You give ULTIMATE worth and value to the person you're choosing to take the risk on.
I don't know if this makes sense.
For someone who doesn't like risk, it scares the shit out of me. The other funny thing too is, is to think that people will take risks on me. I think that thought scares me even more. To think that someone values ME enough to risk blows my mind. I don't even know how often this really happens.
My friend once told me, after she read one of her many books, that we need to understand that we are worth it.
I am worth it.
That's a hard concept to grasp. It's hard because all too often, we don't allow people to be worth it to us. We don't allow people to enter into our hearts and our world, for fear of what? Being rejected?
I'm beginning to think that the positive outcomes and benefits that are associated with risk-taking far outweigh the fear, and even the reality of being rejected. Even in taking little risks with the people most important to me, I've seen the benefit of risk taking.
I know that risk-taking isn't an attribute that comes over night... I'm not even sure if it's something you can DECIDE to do. Maybe it is. All I know is that, it's worth it.
One of my greatest insecurities is that I won't be worth it. That I won't be enough.
I will fail. I will be replaced. I will be rejected.
The truth is, that will be the case for some people. The kinda crazy part about that is I'm okay with that.
I'm okay with that, because I'd like to believe that to someone I'm worth it. I am enough, I'm more than enough. I won't ever be replaced, and further, my heart will be protected rather than rejected.
I realize this might sound all over the place, so if you take anything from this, just know that you are worth it.
At the end of the day, I'd like to believe that when you care so much for someone, their heart/needs are put before your own. I think that this makes taking the risk a little easier, because in the end, your heart will be protected.
I've come the end of my thinking process.
Thank you for listening/reading this babble, I apologize if it's ambiguous or confusing.
You're worth it.
If not to anyone else, you're worth it to me.
If you're like me and think like me, please be reminded (and I'll remind myself while typing this) that to someone, even if it's just ONE person, you are enough, FAR MORE than enough, you are so special, you are SO worth it to someone. So take the risk.

"I hate goodbyes"--Lloyd, Dumb and Dumber

My favourite movie is Dumb and Dumber.
One of my favourite scenes, is when Lloyd drops Mary off at the airport and says

uggghh, i HATE good-byes
shhhh...don't say anything...just GO.

I don't think I've done it justice by quoting it in my blog, but hopefully you can visualize it and laugh with me.
I realized this morning that I absolutely HATE saying good-bye.
Mostly because I hate change.
I was having a conversation yesterday with a friend and we were discussing different relationships, friendships and insecurities. Over the last few months I've really come to notice a lot of my own insecurities. I'm someone who needs to know that I'm valued, I need to know that I have a place, and an important place at that, in the lives of those most important to me. I need quality time with people. I need attention...sick I know, but so so true.
Sometimes I feel like a real sissy letting people know my sensitivities and insecurities. I realize we all have them, but at times, I feel like mine are worse than everyone elses.
I also realized that now, more than ever, I care about the relationships that I have.
So much so, that I'm willing to reveal my insecurities. I'm willing to stop retreating. I never really thought I'd ever get to that point. I'm sorta thankful for it. As much as it's a pain in the ass to have to force myself out of my natural instincts, I'm happy to know that some of these relationships will last me, well, hopefully forever.
Even if that's not the case though, I think I've learned for the better. My mom always said:

it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all

I used to NEVER agree with this, but now I'm beginning to see the advantage. Even losing the risk you took on someone, leaves you knowing that you can do it. It is sucky when you feel rejected and hurt, but knowing that you can work past that is worth it.
I realized today, that I'm really going to miss you this summer. I know that I have an exceptional community up north, but it's hard to leave it here. Even with some of my closest community up there, it's not the same, and I'm desparately going to miss that.
I had to say goodbye to the cleaning girls today, they are fun and we talk everytime they are in. I almost cried saying goodbye and I don't even know their last names!
I realized that this year it's going to be rough leaving.
Worse than any year in the past.
It sucks.

HAPPY 24th BIRTHDAY CAITLIN!!!

I know I've told you a million times over, but you're incredible. Your love for life, fun and adventure attracts so many people to you. Your heart for people, specifically the marginalized and forsaken is something I hope the world can see, if not today, at least one day (and I have no doubt that that will happen). Today, smile, because you woke up and can celebrate living one of the best lives. Today, laugh, because you have people around you who care so much for you. Today, live, because you've been given life to the fullest.
I appreciate you more than you know and hope that you have a PHENOMENAL day of LIFE.
Thanks for everything you do Cait.
You're the greatest friend.
Happy, Happy Birthday.
Love,
Amanda

Oh the Places You'll Go...my Rite of Passage

It's hard to believe that 4 years have come and gone. While, during that time, I'm sure many people heard from me that I couldn't wait to be out, I now regret wishing my university years away.
It is nuts how fast life can pass us by. Walking across the stage made me realize that this part of my life, has quickly come to an end.
My validictorian made an empowering, thought provoking and challenging speech. He used a story from Mother Theresa about a nursing home (fairly fitting for 5 gerontology grads), MT walked into the home and was very impressed by it's accomodations, resources, and facilities. She quickly noticed though that many of the residents looked horribly sad and kept staring at the door. She couldn't figure out why they longing watched the door day in, day out. After asking the nursing staff one day, she found out that it was because they kept waiting for someone to come in and love them. He challenged us to be the next person to walk through the door and love people.
What I realized was that a door is small. While eventually everyone can feed through it, it takes going through one by one in order to effectively enter the hurting community. While many people may go on and live life having never walked threw that door, having never actually loved and been loved in return. I really realized that this is a time, now more than ever, to choose love. I don't mean love in the mushy feelings and nice emotions love. I mean RAW love. I mean the kind of love, a lot of people shy away from, because it's uncomfortable, it's messy, it means giving up on my selfish ambitions and instead, looking to the hearts of those around me. I want to walk through the door and be a person of messy love.
Last night, I went to my best friend's house, where a bunch of us gathered, with our parents and grandparents. It was an awesome time. Many of the parents had never met, but had something great in common, their kids were all best friends. Towards the end of the night, they brought out champagne and we toasted. It really was the closing of another chapter and all the while, a reopening of a brand new one.
I realize that few read this blog. But last night, on the ride home, it really struck me how lucky, blessed and fortunate I am. My university career did fly by, and there are many reasons for that. I've had the time of my life. I've met and become closer to the best people I think I'll ever meet. I have learned how to love and how to be loved. I've learned that that isn't always easy. I've learned that care requires pain. I've learned it also requires joy. I've learned that when shit hits the fan, laugh about it, in reality there's nothing anyone can do. More than anything, I've surrounded myself, or more so, for whatever you've chosen to surround me, with people who are and will continue to change the world. If not globally, individually. You've changed mine. Part of me wishes I could go back in time and do university over. I wish that I could've spent more time playing DDR, I wish I would've said YES to every plan that came my way, instead of seldomly having to say NO, because I had a paper due the next day. However, this is not the end. No, no, this is only the beginning. We've formed a beautiful community. One of friendship, laughter, some tears, joy, pain, hurt, and most of all one of absolute love. Thank you, to everyone who has invested in me, challenged me, loved me despite my monsterous ways at times, who has chosen to be my friend despite my horrible habits. Today, I'm excited to think of what's next, only because I know that whatever is next will have you there with me.
The validictorian ended by quoting Dr. Seuss, Oh the Places You Will Go. I'm just thankful that I have places to go with people who love me.

It just makes sense...

Lately, I've had many conversations about the "church". What it means, what it's intended to look like, etc.
It's frustrating how God made us so different. I'm beginning to see that it takes all kinds in order to live in this big universe. As much as some would classify me as a egalitarian, feminist, or "equalist" (to make feminism a little safer to identify with), I would also classify myself partially as a "debbie-downer". I don't think this world will ever see justice fully restored, the strong fully become weak, and the rich fully become poor, at least not until this world is fully restored to it's original and perfected state (talked about Romans). Having said that, I would also like to assert that I believe we can see the Kingdom in it's fully human, fully broken, and fully beautiful state here on earth, even if only in part. I'm probably being very vague and confusing here, for that I apologize. Let me try and work this out as it has been going through my brain.
When I think about my current church situation and even many churches I visit, I can't help but think about what attracted me to it in the first place. Yes, for the church I'm attending now, the youth group/kids attracted me. But it goes much deeper than that. It's a secure, comfortable place, where it's almost recognized as "cool" to be a "Christ-follower". The lights, the sound, the techno, the humour, the edgey video clips that incorporate some sort of controversial message and does not hide from coarse language, are all characteristics of a "church" that I attend. To walk into church on a Sunday, it is easy for me to be overlooked. I think I find comfort in that. Knowing that if I don't want to be in conversation with someone, I can go in, sing, listen, maybe let out a chuckle here and there, and leave. Having absolutely NO human contact, but potentially the person I had to body slam to make it to the middle sit (for whatever reason, people think it's cool to sit on the end of the rows...NEWS FLASH: it's NOT).
To me, "church" in the loose definition that I'm giving it, as somewhere you go on Sunday mornings, is easy for me. Really, it's easy for us all.
In writing my previous blog (Red Carpet), and reading some of my friend's blogs, I am consistently reminded that Christ's life was radical, was different, was not easy, further, was extremely DIFFICULT, was one of struggle, defeat, and pain. It's easy to romanticize this life, it's easy to go into a flashy church with A LOT of people and leave, feeling that we've done humanity a favour by just entering the doors. Might I suggest, this thinking is blemished.
So, WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!
Why do I continue going?
Why do I continue feeding into the disarranged attitudes of the church?
Why do I continue to try and make myself as comfortable as possible?
Why do I justify that?
Why am soooo fearful of change?

My answer to this is not well thought out, but I'll give it a go:

Humanity is messed up.
We long for human to human contact, and yet, find ourselves seeking out the biggest crowd to belong to.
When we get that "Go Big or Go Home" mentality, we feel disengaged with those around us and seek out desparately for the few people that will care for us.
So why am I so scared of "church", as defined in Hebrews: "where 2 or 3 are gathered together in my name, there I am, and that is church", why am I so scared, of the church in Acts, where people ate and spent time together, why am I so quick to retreat from living out love and care for orphans and widows, like James tells us?
I'll tell you why. Because I fear you.
Within these references of church, it is evident that communities were small, they were personable, they were vulnerable. Vulnerability is a scary scary thought. Not because I fear people giving me their burdens, but I fear that you will want mine.
Smallness scares people because all the sudden we are WHO we are.
We have no one, no lights, no sounds, no entertainment to hide behind. We simply MUST be who we are.
At the same time, I think that's what we all crave. We all desire to be US, we desire to have a voice, we desire to matter.
Maybe that's why the flashly lights and entertainment sustain for awhile, but not forever.
For me, the harder choice is to choose the small community, and know that not only do I have a voice, but it's necessary that I use it.
To be loved. To be cared for.
Further, to struggle, to endure suffering with each other.
Community is such a strange concept.
I don't know why, but it just makes sense.
Maybe that's just the way it should be?