a hero of our time.

bell hooks is one of the most incredible women I've ever read or heard about. She is an incredible women, author and activist...and my favourite thing about her is that she's a feminist...and a brillant one at that.

Here's a blurb from her book "All about Love: New Visions" (which may just make my top 10 all time favourite books)

Imagine how much easier it would be for us to learn how to love if we began with a shared definition. The word "love" is most often defined as a noun, yet all the more astute theorists of love acknowledge that we would all love better if we used it as a verb. I spent years searching for a meaningful definition of the word "love," and was deeply relieved when i found one in psychiatrist M. Scott Peck's classic self-help book The Road Less Traveled, first published in 1978. Echoing the work of Erich Fromm, he defines love as "the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth." Explaining further, he continues: "Love is as love does. Love is an act of will--namely both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love." Since the choice must be made to nurture growth, this definition counters the more widely accepted assumption that we love instinctually. ....
...Affection is only one ingredient of love. To truly love we must learn to mix various ingredients--care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, and trust, as well as honest and open communication. Learning faulty definitions of love when we are quite young makes it difficult to be loving as we grow older...
...When we feel deeply drawn to someone, we cathect with them; that is, we invest feelings or emotion in them. That process of investment wherein a loved one becomes important to us is called "cathexis." In his book Peck rightly emphasizes that most of us "confuse cathecting with loving." We all know how often individuals feeling connected to someone through the process of cathecting insist that they love the other person even if they are hurting or neglecting them. Since their feeling is that of cathexis, they insist that what they feel is love.
When we understand love as the will to nurture our own and another's spiritual growth, it becomes clear that we cannot claim to love if we are hurtful and abusive. Love and abuse cannot coexist. Abuse and neglect are, by definition, the opposites of nurturance and care. Often we hear of a man who beats his children and wife and then goes to the corner bar and passionately proclaims how much he loves them. If you talk to the wife on a good day, she may also insist that he loves her, despite his violence. An overwhelming majority of us come from dysfunctional families in which we were taught we were not okay, where we were shamed, verbally and/or physically abused, and emotionally neglected even as were always taught to believe that we were loved. For most folks it is just too threatening to embrace a definition of love that would no longer enable us to see love as present in our families. Too many of us need to cling to a notion of love that either makes abuse acceptable or at lesat makes it seem that whatever happened was not that bad.

- bell hooks.

this gave me a lot to think about.
definitely more to come...

Soft Words

I've never understood the impact and depth of hearing and saying the words "I love you".
These last few weeks, I've definitely entered the winter blues. I feel a lot more sensitive, irrational, and dumb sometimes...and I often allow myself to enter saddness, frustration, and depression far more than I ever should. Having said all that, I've also learned a lot. In these moments of what seems like sheer despair (recognizing that my despair looks and is entirely different than someone elses), I've been able to put my finger on what makes me feel most comforted, happy, accepted and full of life -hearing the words, I love you (or seeing them). The people that are plagued with my irrational behaviour are the people that know me best, that I know best, and that spend the most amount of time with me...I'm sure you can take a guess at who those people are. Sometimes - that's a lie, OFTEN times- I wonder why someone would choose to be with me, or even choose to be my friend during these times. To me, it is much easier to walk away, to escape. But instead, you choose to look at me, to hug me, to send me a little message, and tell me that I'm loved. In a world that is soooo full of despair, of hurt, pain, frustration, saddness, those words, those three little words, provide hope.
It has been because of that experience - the experience of you saying and meaning those three simple words to me that have left me with hope, hope in myself, hope in you, and hope in humanity.
The other day (this happens more often than just this one example) I was holding one of my favourite babies. This baby's smile could light up your life. Sometimes I look at them as they fall asleep in my arms, and wonder where they will be in 10, 15, 20 years. Sometimes, the projection of their future scares me...mostly because I wonder if they will ever know and feel unconditional, or even conditional, human love. During my first few weeks, I started to pray for them, pray for their futures, for their dreams, hopes, even for their failures. This day, that I was holding of my favs, I felt that prayer just wasn't enough (I know, I know...sometimes it's all you can do...but sometimes, it just isn't), I thought to myself, about the times that I feel most safe and secure. I realized it was the times that I am hugged tightly, held securely, and hear the words whispered to me, "I love you". So, as I looked down on this baby, this innocent child who really should never have to face any type of adversity, but most likely will face the most, I hugged him tightly, I bowed my face close to his head so that my words could be gentle, and I whispered, "I love you".

I realize that babies don't usually have memories of the first few years of life. I realize that my words may just be lost in the air. But maybe, maybe, maybe, when he/she goes up, they will remember, if only to have faint memories of being safe, or of hearing that someone, somewhere loves them... that that will be enough.

So thank you. For loving me despite, or because of, my flaws. Thank you for holding me tightly and gently whispering the words I love you to me. Thank you for making it easier for me to find hope, to give hope, and to whisper those words into other ears that need to hear it and believe it. Maybe these three words will have some profound impact on the lives of future generations....I know it already has profoundly impacted me.

As cheesy at it might be, sit back, sit way back in your chair, take a deep breath, and hear the words whispered to you softly, I love you...and get used to it, because those three words, three words of comfort, acceptance, even sorrow and pain, I believe provide, at minimum, a glimpse of hope.

Experiments with Truth --2008 (Part B: The Anticipation of 2008)

I have always been someone who believes in resolutions. I think they are extremely helpful and can accomplish a lot of good by setting a realistic and attainable goal for the year. Last year, one of my closest closest friends (some would even say best friend...but I got over that saying), was talking to me about how someone she knows uses the phrase "Experiments with Truth". This phrase really caught on in my mind and so, I've decided that instead of RESOLUTIONS, I'm going to experiment with what I believe, is truth.

For you to hold me accountable to, here are some of them for 2008:

• use less--give more
• re-use and recycle more
• read more (at minimum a book a month)
• see the image of God in others (so I can protect the image of God in myself)
• hold others in the highest regard (making myself third)
• drink more water out of my re-useable bottle, not disposable bottles--tap water does a body very good (drink less pop--including Coca-Cola products)
• Eat at home much much more. Eat out WAY less. Even consider planning a food budget or a minimum amount of times per month to eat out.
• Write more
• remember that I will be okay.
• expose myself more to new things and try to see everything as a potentially life changing experience.
• listen more. talk WAY less.
• be PRESENT. Don't forecast the future. Be content in today, the moment, the now. Don't have expectations for the future, or wish to be somewhere you're not.
• Find moments of hope no matter where you are.
• Learn to just BE.
• Walk more.
• Start imagining. Start believing. Start acting.

So here I go.....

Experiments with Truth --2008 (Part A: Highlighting the Good of 2007)

It has been a great year. Looking back over 2007, I can't help but smile and only prepare myself for the excitement that I know 2008 will bring.

Highlights from 2007:

-Meeting Cait, Simon, and Nikki (at least, becoming a close family)
- Hanging out with Luke and Matt WAY more.
- Being a part of South Ovaries.
- Snuggling more with Liane and Megan.
- Volunteering at the FRWY.
- Being introduced to Pat Robitaille.
- Going out for dinner with Luke, when we both should've been studying.
- North Carolina (this cannot be deduced to one memory).
- NYC (for a day), specifically CENTRAL PARK and dinner in Little Italy.
- Having our last and potentially most memorable South Ovary sleep over.
- June 16/17 /07 ---a night that changed my life.
- Cait and Matt dating.
- LIT 07--specifically being partners with Ryan VanMeer (NORTHHHHH)
- June 29/07 ---being told "I love you."
- PRiME 07 (wouldn't have been nearly as fun or possible without Matt Penman)
- Visiting Liane after her surgery. Eating ice cream cones and discussing life (some of the best).
- Meeting a new and GREAT small group.
- Hanging out with Liane...sitting by the beach on the Bayfront...incredible.
- Hanging out with Simon Beck/Robinson/Gareth on Tuesday afternoons.
- Hanging out and still hanging out with Rachel Cope (my fav new feminist).
- Meeting Sim's family for the first time (slightly scary...but GREAT).
- My birthday (too many great memories--apple picking, dinner, brian, family dinner, walk by the Bay, dumb and dumber UNCUT).
- Ovary Reuninon
- Meeting Kim-Kim on Cait's Driveway (who knew that you could LOVE someone so much after a brief 15-minute encounter?)
- Waterloo sleep over at Cait's...breakfast at a cool bakery with Laur.
- Getting a great job.
- Thursday night tradition night with Luke/Matt/Ryan...good for my soul.
- Tea nights/confessions with Cait.
- Dinner at Deb's (all the times)
- Dinner and Pool with Liane and Ken.
- Megan's birthday with South Ovaries.
- Hot Tub PARTAYYY at Lauren's.
- LIT Reunion (window smashing, great seeing the kids, so fun spending the weekend driving up and down with the boys)
- Singing with Luke to Colbie.
- Matt's Birthday (dinner was great, hang out after - HILARIOUS).
- Standing outside the LCBO with the Sal Army Christmas Kettle with my Lily...nothing greater (nothing colder).
- WINE AND CHEESE (social event of the year...more like, dancing event of the year?)
- Communion @ Deb's
- REPLICAAAAA (wow....WOW- retreat coming up January 19 & 20---you should all come).
- More importantly, the incredible women I got to dance with to Replica (Tali, Liane, Deb, Jill, Jenny!)
-Tea with Cait at my house.
-Christmas party at Sim's.
- Christmas Eve at the Marlow's (present game--huge success; Sim met and survived and become a favourite within in moments).
- Christmas day (same as usual).
-Boxing day (radio listening; meeting new family; favourites with ben; veg lasagna; Family Feud with the winning champs!; drive back--umbrella-ella-ella; Friend's episodes; Hanson drive home...yes.)
- MY BLANKET (this was on boxing day, but deserved a category all it's own...greatest present, I've ever received, from the greatest person I've ever known).
-Dinner with Sim, Matt and Cait
- Discussing the fantastical idea of going to Florida for New Years (let's not talk about the outcome)
- Cranium with Sim, Matt and Cait (yes, this is still a highlight despite our unfortunate and CLOSE loss).
- talking with Sim until 4:30 about life.
- Movie Listing (too many to count!)
- Pot luck at Tali's
- Sleepover at Cait's
- Breakfast at Benny's (Cait and Rach).
- New's Year's eve day (Rach's special lake spot; making pizza)
- New Year's eve (FUN).

There are many many more. Laughs, cries, happy times, sad times, content times, frustrating times, many many times. I appreciate you. More than you know for sharing them with me. Without you, this year would not have been everything it has been. Because of you, I look to 2008 with great excitement, anticipation, and for the first time in a long time, contentment.

Beautiful

Yesterday I had tea with one of my most important people in my life.
I was thinking on the way home how I always learn from him.
ALWAYS.
If it's simply hanging out and laughing, I learn to live for each moment.
If it's discussing something major, I learn to breath in and always know that someone cares about me.
If it's not even talking, but knowing that we are in the same place together, I learn even my very presence matters and is noticed.

We talked yesterday about the idea of beauty. About how people don't hear that they are beautiful, enough.
About how the word itself hast lost its meaning because of the superficial connotations society has placed on it.

It's funny because there have been few times in my life when I have felt genuinely beautiful.
My grandpa, used to always make me feel like I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. I still remember, when he was in the hospital and couldn't even speak, he would communicate with his eyes. I walked in one day with a smile on my face, so excited to see him. The second he saw me, his eyes lit up and a smile spread across his face as he reached his hand up to grab my hand.
This to me, was the look of beauty.

Another time,
I volunteered at the FRWY last year. For whatever reason, I never thought about my physical appearance when I was working there. I remember one day, a lady came in and ordered a tea, as I took her order I smiled at her politely. She looked at me for a long time, almost uncomfortably long, and finally said: "You have a face that lights up an entire room, I hope in my lifetime I see many more smiles like yours."
I felt like I was on top of the world. I'm pretty sure I went to sleep that night with hurting cheeks because I couldn't stop smiling after that.

There is nothing more perfect, nothing more complete, then being told by someone who cares about you that you are beautiful. There is nothing like looking someone in the eyes and sharing with them that they are spectacular.

A lot of times in feminist theory, there's the idea of reclaiming a word or phrase. I think it's about time to reclaim Beauty. I think it's about time that we start to see the beauty that rests within everyone. Maybe then, we can begin to see the beauty that lies within each of us.
Until then, thank you for seeing the beauty in me.
Know that I think the very same of you.

You are BEAUTIFUL.

Does it MATTER?

I've left this blog thing for far too long.
I am the person who thinks in blogs. When something happens I think of a tag line that i'm going to discuss later in one of my bloggings...and usually never end up getting to the actual typing process.
Finally, here I sit. My brain filled with probably a lot of useless thought...but hopefully through my spillage something will appear.
I had tea with one of my closest people last week. We often discuss our hopes for the future, she usually gives me some food for thought, a challenge here and there, and a lot of encouragement on the things I want to see take shape.
This night, in particular, she told me about the making of a story. She had been listening to a speaker and he was discussing the importance of characters within a story. She said something that made me think really hard...and has not left my head since. She said that sometimes it isn't about accomplishing THE DREAM or dreams that one may have, but instead looking to the process and person that lies behind the dream.
For someone like me, who always wants to have my own dreams, that became really encouraging. Whenever someone would ask me what my dreams are, it became a struggle for me even to spout off my hopes (which for some, aren't even real dreams). I always enjoy hearing someone else dream, and I love believing in those...even sometimes to the point of making it my dream to see that person's dream come true.
So when she told me that it's not about the dream, necessarily, it was a hard thing to digest.
In the end, she said DOES IT REALLY MATTER?!
She used the example of a women who's goal it was to dig 1000 wells in some country/village that needed fresh water. This dream mattered, she mattered. But it didn't matter if she made 1000 wells or 1--in the end she made a difference.
She tied this in with talking about how stories need a hero. And sometimes, most times even, the hero never fully lives out their life dreams. Instead, you always see a struggle, a sacrifice, a willing step to help someone, instead of using their powers/gifts for the good of themselves.
This is slightly world-changing for me.
I've always has this idea of moving to an inner city. I've had this idea of being with the people I claim to care most about, the marginalized, the forsaken, the poor. I talk a lot of shit, and have very few practical examples in my life to show that this is a huge desire of mine (in fact, i think I have some that could be used to prove the antithesis of that statement). I've struggled with this idea for the last little while. I've had a couple people say that want to join me in this. I've been so excited to know that I'm not going to go in alone (shit...downtown is scarrrrrry). But I realized, that the hero of my story would sacrifice fear, would sacrifice the potential and probability of something going seriously wrong, being a single girl in a big city with people i don't know enough about, would struggle giving up what they already know, would struggle with not being okay with just mediocre. Would finally step out of her comforting place of safeness and become something, or someone that matters.
Like I said, this has been on my mind for awhile now. Last night, at youth group, I had to close my eyes (even just to get away from the lights and flashy-ness that sometimes can be overwhelming), and I saw myself, walking down a residential street in Hamilton. I saw myself passing by people on the street and knowing their names. I saw myself talking to them, I saw myself hugging them and caring about them. When I opened my eyes, I thought that I was about to cry, as I realized that this vision, included only me. It scared me huge, because I desparately don't want to be in this life alone. I realized (again), that that didn't matter. It didn't matter if I have a 100 people join me or no one, this is and has become something I must do. I realized that even if I don't end up going by myself, the first step out, is a step alone. And that scares the shit out of me.
I guess this made me start thinking about belonging. For the greater part of my life, I've never belonged to something or someone(s). I've always been a "floater" (in highschool), where I'd move from group to group, where I'd talk to everyone, but know very few. I've been the girl that has a lot of things to do, but nothing of severe impact. I've been the girl who retreats when I get too close to a person or group, for fear they will know me, and know me well, and then reject me.
I realized that I've patterned my life now after that. I've segregated my life to the point that I can't even drive 20 minutes to everyone that matters most to me. Even geographically, I'm scattered.
I thought about how difficult this is for me, because now, more than ever, I want to belong. I want to matter.
Maybe it's about making sure that my time and my values/hopes are aligned (which at the moment, are definitely not). Maybe it's about seeing the baby steps as just as important as the big steps.
Maybe it's just about getting over my egotistical mind and finally realizing that this great world does not revolve around me. Maybe it invovles re-evaluating, if i really matter and who I matter to. Maybe it's about staying in this state of confusion, so that I can be content where I am now but that I don't have to be content to stay that way.

I guess in the end, it comes down to WHAT REALLY MATTERS?
Am I living a life that matters?
To who does it matter?

These questions are questions that I will continue to ask myself. Hopefully, I'll come up with some type of answer within this lifetime...maybe not, maybe I'll continue questioning...but maybe that's the point.

The Lake

Over the past few days I've had the on-off feeling of dissatisfaction or discontentment.
Which I hate.

I sometimes hate thinking about life in the future, because I feel an overwhelming sense of fear. Fear that I will just remain and nothing will come of my life. Fear that I will see all the options and take WAY too long to decide which best suits me. Fear that what I do have right now that provides me with comfort, safety and security will be ripped from me if I do even the slightest thing wrong.

Last Sunday, I was sad, frustrated, hurt, and just wanted to escape the world. I drove away from where I was. I didn't really know where I was going or what I was going to do when I got there, but I just kept driving. I found myself at the lake...listening to none other than Bon Jovi. It was a song about brokenness. In the chorus, he sings, "It's okay to feel a little broken, everybody's broken, in this life..." As I listened, immediate tears sprung from my eyes and I felt like I wasn't in control of me anymore.

I started mummbling, and the one question, "WHY WHY WHY" kept coming off my lips.
A lot of time went by and as if to have my question answered, I looked out over the lake. I saw the water moving, but it was never certain what direction it was going in. I realized that's kind of like me. I keep moving, but I have no guaranteed direction. I also realized that I don't necessarily need to.
I can't tell you how much peace this brought me. I came to the realization, that I just need to keep moving. I need to keep being. I need to keep running, walking, even crawling if I have to. In the end, the water will accomplish it's purpose. And in the end I will accomplish mine...

That's it for now. Just to let you know...these feelings of discontent do not stem from relationships or people surrounding me. I'm just thankful that like the masses and masses of water, there are masses and masses of people all moving in different directions and accomplishing their purposes in life.

Expressions

We can do no great things, only little things with GREAT love

Mother Theresa

It's funny how we fantasize about a world other than what we live in. It's funny how I dream about a life I want someday. The closer I get to that, I realize, that sometimes it's not all it's cracked up to be.
Let me explain.
Last year at this time, I had fantastical thoughts about living the (dare I say it), "simple life". I actually think it was around this time that I got a lot of my clothes together and gave them away...man that felt great. I decided in my brain that I wanted to help people as a job and I wanted to live in Hamilton, to be amongst the marginalized and forsaken.
I felt like a good human being. I felt like just even dreaming, talking, and thinking about it that I was making a difference.
As many of you already know, I began working within the social service field. I work with teen moms and their babies.
I love it, I absolutely love it. I get to hold babies all day, some crying, some laughing, some sleeping, but all huge little buddles of love.
I just realized though, that this job is not easy. It's not easy, b/c I see and hear about horrible things that happen to these little humans. All of which, don't really have a choice in the matter. This job was definitely more glamourous in thought and dream.
I realized that sometimes changing the world, starts with one person. Starts by changing the world of ONE individual.
Sometimes we can make helping people seem like we were God's gift to the universe. Sometimes I can be prideful of the life I want to live. But with all sincerity, the more and more I start living it, the more and more I realize how much of a struggle it will be.
I realized that when people told me to "come and see", it is necessary to do so. Sometimes loving people means the littlest, simplest, expressions of care, touch, vulnerability, and availability.
It's been quite the experience working where I work. Sometimes I hear about things that should only ever happen in the movies...and even there is not necessary. To be honest with you, it's not glamourous, or remotely attractive.
Mother Theresa was a smart woman. She understood the fact that to change the face of the world, we need to realize that we can only do so, through the purest and kindest little acts of love.

Photographic Essay: My Ovaries

Sometimes when lonliness, isolation, and hurt plague me...all I have to do is look around and realize, I have some of the BEST friends in the world.

Employment---finally!

After having a severe stress attack last night about my employment, I got the call back.
I've been hired somewhere, well, not officially as I need to fill out the paper work, but I got the call. The you are good-enough to work here call. The you are experienced enough to be part of our team.
I'm excited.
I'm also really scared.
I enjoy a challenge, but this is more than that...this is me beginning a new phase of life.
It's the marker all right.

Life is changing...it has already changed...
I'm excited.
But I'm also really scared.

Enough-ness

For as long as you can remember, you have been a pleaser, depending on others to give you an identity. You need not look at that only in a negative way. You wanted to give your heart to others, and you did so quickly and easily. But now you are being asked to let go of all these self-made props and trust that God is enough for you. You must stop being a pleaser and reclaim your identity as a free self.

Henri Nouwen.

I've been a huge fan of Henri Nouwen for a number of years now. Just recently, I've picked up a few of his books and began reading them again.
He's a rather profound man. Simplistic, yet provoking, thoughts.
For a longggg time, I've thought about this concept. The "enough-ness" of God. The idea that I need to find MY identity in something I've never seen, and further, to let that be enough, is mind-boggling.
There's a lot of things I've come to grips with over the last few months. A lot of insecurities, hurt, and discouragement. It's wierd when you get to a place where you're no longer driven by the pain that entangles, or used to entangle, your heart.
Because I'm someone who constantly surrounds themselves with people, with touch, with sounds, with quality time, I consistently face the pressure of defining myself by the relationships I'm in, or not in. I think this will be an on-going struggle.
I think that even further than the "enough-ness" of God, is the "enough-ness" of me. Knowing that I'm enough to be friends with you. Knowing that I'm enough to be someone's daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend, acquaintance, stranger. It's a hard concept to grasp.
Recently, I was thinking about this idea.
And was reminded of the simple idea that if God is enough for me, naturally, I become enough for you.
I've realized that I need to stop being a pleaser, I need to stop trying to constantly find myself in others, I've given my heart to a lot of people...and it's good. But it's high time for me to continually give ownership over to the one who created it.

______________________________________

In a more practical sense. For me, currently, I've been extremely stressed about finding employment. I've applied a number of different places. I had an interview at a place that I would LOVE to work at. They told me they'd call my references on friday and get back to me within the next week. It's currently Wednesday and they haven't called my references or me....major BUMMER.
I'm getting sick, my muscles ache, and I find myself having mini episodes of severe panic. How do I find contentment and "enough-ness" in this?
God has been showing me in the wierdest ways, that in His time, everything will be fine.
I guess this is one my man-made props that I need to let go of, and trust that God is enough.
Enough...it's a funny word.

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.

Henri Nouwen