JOY

Remember the time we waited for the moonlight to hit the shore?

experiment revisited: dammit!

So, I've agreed to play in my first ever ultimate frisbee game tomorrow (first ever, meaning not just with friends where I cheat more than I play!).
Originally, I was going to bail out of the request to play by excusing myself with no skill and no confidence (I have a hard time being consistent with my tosses). But I went back and looked at my experiments with truth (from new years). Man, I've been failing in that department HUGE.
One of them was to try new things.
I realized that in not accepting the invitation to play in the game, I was being a huge chicken. I was letting my pride get the best of me.
It may seem so silly to you that I would get this worked up over a little game where the object is get a plastic disc across a line, where at the end of the game (regardless of who wins), you play games that get you "spirit points". Such games that make you look like a complete fool, games where you are on all fours and chant words like "mini tanks"....wierd, I know.
I decided that I wasn't going to let fear win again. As stupid as it might sound, this step in such a little thing, has made me see that I can take steps in bigger things in my life. I can beat my fears.
We'll see how tomorrow goes...if you think of it, send a little word up. I know I'll be shitting my pants all day tomorrow just thinking about it, but I also know that I will be okay. I'll still be living (hopefully) tomorrow night. And hopefully, I'll be a better person because of it, even in a little way.

Here are the people that made me do it:

Also:

Thank you. For believing in me enough to make me face my fears. Even the little ones!

Your body needs to be held and to hold, to be touched and to touch. None of these needs is to be despised, denied, or repressed. But you have to keep searching for your body's deeper need, the need for genuine love. Every time you are able to go beyond the body's superficial desires for love, you are bringing your body home and moving toward integration and unity.

- Henri Nouwen

Again,
it's astounding to think that LOVE NEVER FAILS.

LOVE

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the idea of love.
What it means to love, what it means to be loved, what does love even MEAN?
Does it help dictate how I act or should act? Is it supposed to? If yes, what does the action of love look like?
It's really got the best of my mind the last few days.
I think mostly because I've been the anthesis of love in my life lately.
Today, when I came home from work, I decided to really try and figure out what love is, what love looks like, and how I can reorient or refocus myself to those characteristics.
Here's what I found.

Love is patient.
Love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
LOVE never FAILS.

I know, you've probably heard this over and over again. But I would encourage you to re-read it. and re-read it. and re-read it. and re-read it (you get the point).


I would encourage you to listen, to see and to know the words deep down.
PATIENT
KIND
TRUTH
PROTECTION
TRUST
HOPE

And finally, the words that hit me most were:

NEVER FAILS

As many know, I work with a severely hurting population of women. A group of women who, for the most part, do not know love in any of it's forms. Not even one of those characteristics have been demonstrated to them. Unfortunately, they believe in a love of hurt, pain, suffering, physical, emotional, mental abuse. Unfortunately, that cycle may never end. Unfortunately, some of these women will never experience an unfailing love.
Which makes me (and probably really selfishly) sooo thankful that I do experience GREAT love.

After a phone conversation with Sim last night, I really realized how lucky (and LOVED) I am.
I have been known to have infrequent moments of irrationality (who's kidding who...if you know me, you know this is NOT true...there are many of these moments, probably on a day-to-day basis). I was having a moment or a couple moments on the phone (which DEFINITELY sucks) and it was grinding on both Sim and myself. Towards the end of the conversation, we were both just exhausted, still somewhat frustrated, but had mended things in some capacity. We said I love you and hung up.
That is when my brain went on over-drive. LOVE.
I LOVE YOU.
Powerful words.
Words that mean all of the above characteristics.
WOW.
I know that no-one is perfect. I know that we all have our moments, sometimes days, weeks, months of stepping out character, or stepping out of love. I definitely have.
The more I thought, the more I became sooo thankful that I have someone, a GREAT AND AMAZING someone who loves me. Who is patient, kind, who is not easily angered, who hardly ever brings up past events when they have been forgiven, who speaks truth to me and demands it in return, who protects and trusts me.
There have been unbelievable role models of love in my life. I want to thank you for always giving me someone to look up to.

I am incredibly lucky in the life I have.
Today, I choose love over myself.
I choose patience, kindness, truth, trust, perseverance.

I choose to medidate and think hard about each of these characteristics and how they are to be played out in my life and relationships.

The most interesting thought to me and most meaningful characteristic of love to me is that it NEVER FAILS.
When we say we love someone, that's HUGE. It means, we will do ANYTHING we can to never fail in that love. Clearly it happens, probably on a daily basis. But that's not the point (I don't think). I think the point of love never failing is that even in disappointment, anger, or hurt, love wins. Even in times of struggle, of fighting, of arguing, of disagreeing, there is an overiding knowledge that LOVE will win.

I think that's something I'm going to think of as I lie in bed tonight. Deeply loved and deeply in love (this line is not restricted to romantic love if that is what you are thinking).

LOVE NEVER FAILS....thankfully.

Goodbyes, Moments, Bikes, and Carrots

I know, it's been awhile since I've written on here.
Truth is, I still think in blogs...I look around me and wonder what the title of my next blog could be and then spend a couple seconds, minutes, even hours thinking about it. Hard to believe, I know, with the lack of writing that has gone up on this wall lately...but here's a new one...and hopefully this will start the trend to many more this summer/year.

This week has been a bit of a whirlwind for me. Not only am I hormonal, but I've had to say goodbye to someone who I rely on and see almost everyday, I've watched and been inspired by 5 incredible women who have not only graduated high school but have managed to accomplish such a feat with baby in hand (what an inspiration), I've been given one of the best presents that has been used almost everyday since it's been given to me, and I've been challenged by some very eccentric people who don't even know my name (Carrot lady and the wise and beautiful writings of Sark).

Lately, I've been having a tough time feeling content and satisfied with my life. I know, when I'm being rational, that I have a good one. I have a great family, amazing friends, a good job, a roof over my head, and food to indulge in. But something has continued to feel like it's missing. Maybe because I don't feel like I do my job adequately. I am positive there are many people out there who can do a far better job than I can. Inadequacy SUCKS.
Maybe because I listen to stories about how my friends have been on all these wild adventures, to places all around the world (or how they have a trip planned to go) (Morocco, Thailand, Australia, Nicarauga, Ecuador, etc). I guess I've just been questioning when it's going to be my turn. When I am going to be the one who comes back with stories of how I helped? or How I was helped? When I am going to be the one who comes back changed, even a little bit, because of a positive encounter with people who are able to change me? and seriously, When I am going to be the person leaving instead of the person being left?
When am I going to start seeing my life as something worthwhile? What am I going to do, or not do, to make a difference?
To be honest, I know the answers to a lot of these questions. I just have to do it. I have to be the one to take the step. I have to be the one who leaves. And maybe there's something in me that doesn't want that either.

Late Monday night (or early Tuesday morning) I had to say goodbye to someone who has become a huge part of my life and family. I'm the WORST at missing people (I don't know anyone who is actually that good at it though). One of the last things he said to me was, "Take it one moment at at a time"
This has stuck with me (at least for this week anyways). I realized that so much can be accomplished in a moment. I realized that in one moment I can be hugging the most incredible person I know. I realized that in one moment I can get a good throw of the frisbee or flick it straight and hard. I realized that I can look a baby in the eyes and see why we need to become more child-like. I realized that I can hose down a dirty toy for a baby to play with this summer, get wet while doing it and know that it'll dry. I realized that I can lie in my bed with my red blanket wrapped around me and think about all the events of the day. I realized that I can sit and share drinks and a meal with a best friend and we can talk about where we want to go and what we want do. I realized that in a moment, I can share confessions with her. I realized that in a moment my cell phone can ring and it can be that familiar voice that I've saved all my moments in my head for so that I can tell him everything. I realized that in a moment, I can lick an ice cream cone, creepily search FB and listen to the new coldplay album with a great friend. I realized that in a moment I can be happy, and in a moment (particuarly when I'm hormonal) I can cry, I realized that in a moment I can choose that. I hope this lesson continues throughout the next few weeks, throughout the summer and throughout my life.

On Wednesday, I had the honour and privilege of watching five incredible women graduate high-school. Some of them are 21 years old and it has taken them 7 years to do so. But on Wednesday, I witnessed a small miracle. I listened as these girls thanked the few supports they had in their lives. I listened (and yes, definitely cried), as they thanked their children for changing their lives. I realized that so many people think teen pregnancy is such a horrible thing. After watching this display of beauty, love, and accomplishment, I would like to argue the exact opposite. The fact is, for many of this mothers, they have taken a step toward no longer being a statistic, they have decided to take responsibility for their own lives (and their childrens) and believe in themselves and their dreams (mannn, I can hardly do this and I'm childless and 23). As someone who hates the idea of societal success, or progression, I'm just proud that they set out to do something and be someone, and that dream has become a reality for them. This has changed me a little (or A LOT).

This week has also been full of unique surprises. My boyfriend got me my DREAM bike. I have been riding it everyday since. It's actually INCREDIBLE. ( I'll post a picture soon). But I've noticed that since riding it, my attention to my surroundings has increased. The other day, I rode my bike home from an exercise class at the gym. It was raining a little, and I realized that nature is sooo green in the rain. That things come ALIVE in the rain and as romantic and probably vommitty as that may sound, it also changed me a little.
On our last day together, we went to Kensington market, one of my favourite places in Toronto. While walking up and down the streets, there were many many people to watch and listen to. There was one in particular, she was on the other side of the street. She was decked in a hippy-like dress (I'm pretty sure it was some form of tie-die/flowers), with sandles only a peace-loving women would wear. She had long long fraying hair that was tied into, you guessed it, a bun! This was your stereotypical hippy woman. But that's not what caught me eye (or my ears!), she was singing at the top of her lungs (literally) into a carrot. Her eyes were closed like she had entered into another world where she was standing on a stage and she had an audience below (I'm pretty sure the carrot acted as a the microphone in her fantasy world). I'm sure maybe people walking by looked in bewilderment. I'm sure my face even gave off that impression. But there was something beautiful about it. I remember telling my boyfriend that that is freedom. I think that's incredible. While I may not put a tie-die dress on, with birkenstock-like sandles and try and fit my not-long enough hair into a bun and sing at the top of my lungs on the street, I decided that I wanted to find out what my carrot will be. What will be freedom to me.

I've found that the more questions I ask about myself and my life, the more the answers appear.
My best friend (who LOVES books), loaned me this book by Sark called "Eat Mangoes Naked". This book has actually really changed my perspective on things. Sark is trying to show that pleasure is within us and we just need to see it in our own lives. She takes you through different ways of experiencing and acknowledging pleasure.

Coming to the end of my blog, I realized that I AM OKAY. That even though I can't pin-point exactly what the Carrot-lady inside of me is, I know I am free. I know that I can sit in my living room with pillows comforting my body and the blanket that Sim bought me in NC around my legs, drinking my diet-cranberry pop from a straw, watching the rain fall and hit the trees so gently, listening to the birds become ecstatic because they get to find worms more easily, and I love knowing that that is an adventure all its own. I have an incredible life that will continue to be filled with times of pain, struggle, love, joy, hope, seperation, togetherness, carrots and microphones. And I know that I will be okay.

I am seen.

I am known.

I am loved.

Know that you are too.

a hero of our time.

bell hooks is one of the most incredible women I've ever read or heard about. She is an incredible women, author and activist...and my favourite thing about her is that she's a feminist...and a brillant one at that.

Here's a blurb from her book "All about Love: New Visions" (which may just make my top 10 all time favourite books)

Imagine how much easier it would be for us to learn how to love if we began with a shared definition. The word "love" is most often defined as a noun, yet all the more astute theorists of love acknowledge that we would all love better if we used it as a verb. I spent years searching for a meaningful definition of the word "love," and was deeply relieved when i found one in psychiatrist M. Scott Peck's classic self-help book The Road Less Traveled, first published in 1978. Echoing the work of Erich Fromm, he defines love as "the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth." Explaining further, he continues: "Love is as love does. Love is an act of will--namely both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love." Since the choice must be made to nurture growth, this definition counters the more widely accepted assumption that we love instinctually. ....
...Affection is only one ingredient of love. To truly love we must learn to mix various ingredients--care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, and trust, as well as honest and open communication. Learning faulty definitions of love when we are quite young makes it difficult to be loving as we grow older...
...When we feel deeply drawn to someone, we cathect with them; that is, we invest feelings or emotion in them. That process of investment wherein a loved one becomes important to us is called "cathexis." In his book Peck rightly emphasizes that most of us "confuse cathecting with loving." We all know how often individuals feeling connected to someone through the process of cathecting insist that they love the other person even if they are hurting or neglecting them. Since their feeling is that of cathexis, they insist that what they feel is love.
When we understand love as the will to nurture our own and another's spiritual growth, it becomes clear that we cannot claim to love if we are hurtful and abusive. Love and abuse cannot coexist. Abuse and neglect are, by definition, the opposites of nurturance and care. Often we hear of a man who beats his children and wife and then goes to the corner bar and passionately proclaims how much he loves them. If you talk to the wife on a good day, she may also insist that he loves her, despite his violence. An overwhelming majority of us come from dysfunctional families in which we were taught we were not okay, where we were shamed, verbally and/or physically abused, and emotionally neglected even as were always taught to believe that we were loved. For most folks it is just too threatening to embrace a definition of love that would no longer enable us to see love as present in our families. Too many of us need to cling to a notion of love that either makes abuse acceptable or at lesat makes it seem that whatever happened was not that bad.

- bell hooks.

this gave me a lot to think about.
definitely more to come...

Soft Words

I've never understood the impact and depth of hearing and saying the words "I love you".
These last few weeks, I've definitely entered the winter blues. I feel a lot more sensitive, irrational, and dumb sometimes...and I often allow myself to enter saddness, frustration, and depression far more than I ever should. Having said all that, I've also learned a lot. In these moments of what seems like sheer despair (recognizing that my despair looks and is entirely different than someone elses), I've been able to put my finger on what makes me feel most comforted, happy, accepted and full of life -hearing the words, I love you (or seeing them). The people that are plagued with my irrational behaviour are the people that know me best, that I know best, and that spend the most amount of time with me...I'm sure you can take a guess at who those people are. Sometimes - that's a lie, OFTEN times- I wonder why someone would choose to be with me, or even choose to be my friend during these times. To me, it is much easier to walk away, to escape. But instead, you choose to look at me, to hug me, to send me a little message, and tell me that I'm loved. In a world that is soooo full of despair, of hurt, pain, frustration, saddness, those words, those three little words, provide hope.
It has been because of that experience - the experience of you saying and meaning those three simple words to me that have left me with hope, hope in myself, hope in you, and hope in humanity.
The other day (this happens more often than just this one example) I was holding one of my favourite babies. This baby's smile could light up your life. Sometimes I look at them as they fall asleep in my arms, and wonder where they will be in 10, 15, 20 years. Sometimes, the projection of their future scares me...mostly because I wonder if they will ever know and feel unconditional, or even conditional, human love. During my first few weeks, I started to pray for them, pray for their futures, for their dreams, hopes, even for their failures. This day, that I was holding of my favs, I felt that prayer just wasn't enough (I know, I know...sometimes it's all you can do...but sometimes, it just isn't), I thought to myself, about the times that I feel most safe and secure. I realized it was the times that I am hugged tightly, held securely, and hear the words whispered to me, "I love you". So, as I looked down on this baby, this innocent child who really should never have to face any type of adversity, but most likely will face the most, I hugged him tightly, I bowed my face close to his head so that my words could be gentle, and I whispered, "I love you".

I realize that babies don't usually have memories of the first few years of life. I realize that my words may just be lost in the air. But maybe, maybe, maybe, when he/she goes up, they will remember, if only to have faint memories of being safe, or of hearing that someone, somewhere loves them... that that will be enough.

So thank you. For loving me despite, or because of, my flaws. Thank you for holding me tightly and gently whispering the words I love you to me. Thank you for making it easier for me to find hope, to give hope, and to whisper those words into other ears that need to hear it and believe it. Maybe these three words will have some profound impact on the lives of future generations....I know it already has profoundly impacted me.

As cheesy at it might be, sit back, sit way back in your chair, take a deep breath, and hear the words whispered to you softly, I love you...and get used to it, because those three words, three words of comfort, acceptance, even sorrow and pain, I believe provide, at minimum, a glimpse of hope.

Experiments with Truth --2008 (Part B: The Anticipation of 2008)

I have always been someone who believes in resolutions. I think they are extremely helpful and can accomplish a lot of good by setting a realistic and attainable goal for the year. Last year, one of my closest closest friends (some would even say best friend...but I got over that saying), was talking to me about how someone she knows uses the phrase "Experiments with Truth". This phrase really caught on in my mind and so, I've decided that instead of RESOLUTIONS, I'm going to experiment with what I believe, is truth.

For you to hold me accountable to, here are some of them for 2008:

• use less--give more
• re-use and recycle more
• read more (at minimum a book a month)
• see the image of God in others (so I can protect the image of God in myself)
• hold others in the highest regard (making myself third)
• drink more water out of my re-useable bottle, not disposable bottles--tap water does a body very good (drink less pop--including Coca-Cola products)
• Eat at home much much more. Eat out WAY less. Even consider planning a food budget or a minimum amount of times per month to eat out.
• Write more
• remember that I will be okay.
• expose myself more to new things and try to see everything as a potentially life changing experience.
• listen more. talk WAY less.
• be PRESENT. Don't forecast the future. Be content in today, the moment, the now. Don't have expectations for the future, or wish to be somewhere you're not.
• Find moments of hope no matter where you are.
• Learn to just BE.
• Walk more.
• Start imagining. Start believing. Start acting.

So here I go.....

Experiments with Truth --2008 (Part A: Highlighting the Good of 2007)

It has been a great year. Looking back over 2007, I can't help but smile and only prepare myself for the excitement that I know 2008 will bring.

Highlights from 2007:

-Meeting Cait, Simon, and Nikki (at least, becoming a close family)
- Hanging out with Luke and Matt WAY more.
- Being a part of South Ovaries.
- Snuggling more with Liane and Megan.
- Volunteering at the FRWY.
- Being introduced to Pat Robitaille.
- Going out for dinner with Luke, when we both should've been studying.
- North Carolina (this cannot be deduced to one memory).
- NYC (for a day), specifically CENTRAL PARK and dinner in Little Italy.
- Having our last and potentially most memorable South Ovary sleep over.
- June 16/17 /07 ---a night that changed my life.
- Cait and Matt dating.
- LIT 07--specifically being partners with Ryan VanMeer (NORTHHHHH)
- June 29/07 ---being told "I love you."
- PRiME 07 (wouldn't have been nearly as fun or possible without Matt Penman)
- Visiting Liane after her surgery. Eating ice cream cones and discussing life (some of the best).
- Meeting a new and GREAT small group.
- Hanging out with Liane...sitting by the beach on the Bayfront...incredible.
- Hanging out with Simon Beck/Robinson/Gareth on Tuesday afternoons.
- Hanging out and still hanging out with Rachel Cope (my fav new feminist).
- Meeting Sim's family for the first time (slightly scary...but GREAT).
- My birthday (too many great memories--apple picking, dinner, brian, family dinner, walk by the Bay, dumb and dumber UNCUT).
- Ovary Reuninon
- Meeting Kim-Kim on Cait's Driveway (who knew that you could LOVE someone so much after a brief 15-minute encounter?)
- Waterloo sleep over at Cait's...breakfast at a cool bakery with Laur.
- Getting a great job.
- Thursday night tradition night with Luke/Matt/Ryan...good for my soul.
- Tea nights/confessions with Cait.
- Dinner at Deb's (all the times)
- Dinner and Pool with Liane and Ken.
- Megan's birthday with South Ovaries.
- Hot Tub PARTAYYY at Lauren's.
- LIT Reunion (window smashing, great seeing the kids, so fun spending the weekend driving up and down with the boys)
- Singing with Luke to Colbie.
- Matt's Birthday (dinner was great, hang out after - HILARIOUS).
- Standing outside the LCBO with the Sal Army Christmas Kettle with my Lily...nothing greater (nothing colder).
- WINE AND CHEESE (social event of the year...more like, dancing event of the year?)
- Communion @ Deb's
- REPLICAAAAA (wow....WOW- retreat coming up January 19 & 20---you should all come).
- More importantly, the incredible women I got to dance with to Replica (Tali, Liane, Deb, Jill, Jenny!)
-Tea with Cait at my house.
-Christmas party at Sim's.
- Christmas Eve at the Marlow's (present game--huge success; Sim met and survived and become a favourite within in moments).
- Christmas day (same as usual).
-Boxing day (radio listening; meeting new family; favourites with ben; veg lasagna; Family Feud with the winning champs!; drive back--umbrella-ella-ella; Friend's episodes; Hanson drive home...yes.)
- MY BLANKET (this was on boxing day, but deserved a category all it's own...greatest present, I've ever received, from the greatest person I've ever known).
-Dinner with Sim, Matt and Cait
- Discussing the fantastical idea of going to Florida for New Years (let's not talk about the outcome)
- Cranium with Sim, Matt and Cait (yes, this is still a highlight despite our unfortunate and CLOSE loss).
- talking with Sim until 4:30 about life.
- Movie Listing (too many to count!)
- Pot luck at Tali's
- Sleepover at Cait's
- Breakfast at Benny's (Cait and Rach).
- New's Year's eve day (Rach's special lake spot; making pizza)
- New Year's eve (FUN).

There are many many more. Laughs, cries, happy times, sad times, content times, frustrating times, many many times. I appreciate you. More than you know for sharing them with me. Without you, this year would not have been everything it has been. Because of you, I look to 2008 with great excitement, anticipation, and for the first time in a long time, contentment.

Beautiful

Yesterday I had tea with one of my most important people in my life.
I was thinking on the way home how I always learn from him.
ALWAYS.
If it's simply hanging out and laughing, I learn to live for each moment.
If it's discussing something major, I learn to breath in and always know that someone cares about me.
If it's not even talking, but knowing that we are in the same place together, I learn even my very presence matters and is noticed.

We talked yesterday about the idea of beauty. About how people don't hear that they are beautiful, enough.
About how the word itself hast lost its meaning because of the superficial connotations society has placed on it.

It's funny because there have been few times in my life when I have felt genuinely beautiful.
My grandpa, used to always make me feel like I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. I still remember, when he was in the hospital and couldn't even speak, he would communicate with his eyes. I walked in one day with a smile on my face, so excited to see him. The second he saw me, his eyes lit up and a smile spread across his face as he reached his hand up to grab my hand.
This to me, was the look of beauty.

Another time,
I volunteered at the FRWY last year. For whatever reason, I never thought about my physical appearance when I was working there. I remember one day, a lady came in and ordered a tea, as I took her order I smiled at her politely. She looked at me for a long time, almost uncomfortably long, and finally said: "You have a face that lights up an entire room, I hope in my lifetime I see many more smiles like yours."
I felt like I was on top of the world. I'm pretty sure I went to sleep that night with hurting cheeks because I couldn't stop smiling after that.

There is nothing more perfect, nothing more complete, then being told by someone who cares about you that you are beautiful. There is nothing like looking someone in the eyes and sharing with them that they are spectacular.

A lot of times in feminist theory, there's the idea of reclaiming a word or phrase. I think it's about time to reclaim Beauty. I think it's about time that we start to see the beauty that rests within everyone. Maybe then, we can begin to see the beauty that lies within each of us.
Until then, thank you for seeing the beauty in me.
Know that I think the very same of you.

You are BEAUTIFUL.

Does it MATTER?

I've left this blog thing for far too long.
I am the person who thinks in blogs. When something happens I think of a tag line that i'm going to discuss later in one of my bloggings...and usually never end up getting to the actual typing process.
Finally, here I sit. My brain filled with probably a lot of useless thought...but hopefully through my spillage something will appear.
I had tea with one of my closest people last week. We often discuss our hopes for the future, she usually gives me some food for thought, a challenge here and there, and a lot of encouragement on the things I want to see take shape.
This night, in particular, she told me about the making of a story. She had been listening to a speaker and he was discussing the importance of characters within a story. She said something that made me think really hard...and has not left my head since. She said that sometimes it isn't about accomplishing THE DREAM or dreams that one may have, but instead looking to the process and person that lies behind the dream.
For someone like me, who always wants to have my own dreams, that became really encouraging. Whenever someone would ask me what my dreams are, it became a struggle for me even to spout off my hopes (which for some, aren't even real dreams). I always enjoy hearing someone else dream, and I love believing in those...even sometimes to the point of making it my dream to see that person's dream come true.
So when she told me that it's not about the dream, necessarily, it was a hard thing to digest.
In the end, she said DOES IT REALLY MATTER?!
She used the example of a women who's goal it was to dig 1000 wells in some country/village that needed fresh water. This dream mattered, she mattered. But it didn't matter if she made 1000 wells or 1--in the end she made a difference.
She tied this in with talking about how stories need a hero. And sometimes, most times even, the hero never fully lives out their life dreams. Instead, you always see a struggle, a sacrifice, a willing step to help someone, instead of using their powers/gifts for the good of themselves.
This is slightly world-changing for me.
I've always has this idea of moving to an inner city. I've had this idea of being with the people I claim to care most about, the marginalized, the forsaken, the poor. I talk a lot of shit, and have very few practical examples in my life to show that this is a huge desire of mine (in fact, i think I have some that could be used to prove the antithesis of that statement). I've struggled with this idea for the last little while. I've had a couple people say that want to join me in this. I've been so excited to know that I'm not going to go in alone (shit...downtown is scarrrrrry). But I realized, that the hero of my story would sacrifice fear, would sacrifice the potential and probability of something going seriously wrong, being a single girl in a big city with people i don't know enough about, would struggle giving up what they already know, would struggle with not being okay with just mediocre. Would finally step out of her comforting place of safeness and become something, or someone that matters.
Like I said, this has been on my mind for awhile now. Last night, at youth group, I had to close my eyes (even just to get away from the lights and flashy-ness that sometimes can be overwhelming), and I saw myself, walking down a residential street in Hamilton. I saw myself passing by people on the street and knowing their names. I saw myself talking to them, I saw myself hugging them and caring about them. When I opened my eyes, I thought that I was about to cry, as I realized that this vision, included only me. It scared me huge, because I desparately don't want to be in this life alone. I realized (again), that that didn't matter. It didn't matter if I have a 100 people join me or no one, this is and has become something I must do. I realized that even if I don't end up going by myself, the first step out, is a step alone. And that scares the shit out of me.
I guess this made me start thinking about belonging. For the greater part of my life, I've never belonged to something or someone(s). I've always been a "floater" (in highschool), where I'd move from group to group, where I'd talk to everyone, but know very few. I've been the girl that has a lot of things to do, but nothing of severe impact. I've been the girl who retreats when I get too close to a person or group, for fear they will know me, and know me well, and then reject me.
I realized that I've patterned my life now after that. I've segregated my life to the point that I can't even drive 20 minutes to everyone that matters most to me. Even geographically, I'm scattered.
I thought about how difficult this is for me, because now, more than ever, I want to belong. I want to matter.
Maybe it's about making sure that my time and my values/hopes are aligned (which at the moment, are definitely not). Maybe it's about seeing the baby steps as just as important as the big steps.
Maybe it's just about getting over my egotistical mind and finally realizing that this great world does not revolve around me. Maybe it invovles re-evaluating, if i really matter and who I matter to. Maybe it's about staying in this state of confusion, so that I can be content where I am now but that I don't have to be content to stay that way.

I guess in the end, it comes down to WHAT REALLY MATTERS?
Am I living a life that matters?
To who does it matter?

These questions are questions that I will continue to ask myself. Hopefully, I'll come up with some type of answer within this lifetime...maybe not, maybe I'll continue questioning...but maybe that's the point.

The Lake

Over the past few days I've had the on-off feeling of dissatisfaction or discontentment.
Which I hate.

I sometimes hate thinking about life in the future, because I feel an overwhelming sense of fear. Fear that I will just remain and nothing will come of my life. Fear that I will see all the options and take WAY too long to decide which best suits me. Fear that what I do have right now that provides me with comfort, safety and security will be ripped from me if I do even the slightest thing wrong.

Last Sunday, I was sad, frustrated, hurt, and just wanted to escape the world. I drove away from where I was. I didn't really know where I was going or what I was going to do when I got there, but I just kept driving. I found myself at the lake...listening to none other than Bon Jovi. It was a song about brokenness. In the chorus, he sings, "It's okay to feel a little broken, everybody's broken, in this life..." As I listened, immediate tears sprung from my eyes and I felt like I wasn't in control of me anymore.

I started mummbling, and the one question, "WHY WHY WHY" kept coming off my lips.
A lot of time went by and as if to have my question answered, I looked out over the lake. I saw the water moving, but it was never certain what direction it was going in. I realized that's kind of like me. I keep moving, but I have no guaranteed direction. I also realized that I don't necessarily need to.
I can't tell you how much peace this brought me. I came to the realization, that I just need to keep moving. I need to keep being. I need to keep running, walking, even crawling if I have to. In the end, the water will accomplish it's purpose. And in the end I will accomplish mine...

That's it for now. Just to let you know...these feelings of discontent do not stem from relationships or people surrounding me. I'm just thankful that like the masses and masses of water, there are masses and masses of people all moving in different directions and accomplishing their purposes in life.