No NAME

I was thinking the other day, why do I act like I do?
There's no good reason for it.
I get close and then I retreat.
I was thinking about all the relationships I've had. That I can be so close to someone one year, and the next year, not really know what's going on with them.
That thought really scares me.
Why do I do that?
Don't get me wrong, I do have relationships, and important relationships that have lasted a long time. What makes those last and others not?
My mom used to always tell me that sometimes there's seasons of friendships. While, I agree with my mom, it's still hard to know when it's a season and when it will last.
Recently, it's been rough. It's an inner battle within myself to not retreat. It is like ingrained in my head to slowly slip away, so much so that it has become instinctual. So, when I'm aware and acting against it, it's brutal.
I began to question why I do this? Maybe I'm just a fair-weather friend, and I need to leave it at that. I'd like to think I'm more dedicated and committed than that though. And I'd like to not just leave it at that and often feels like I'm self-destructing.
I can't solve why this has happened for my whole life. But I began to slowly understand why it's happening now. Life changes, you graduate university and all the sudden there is no regimented schedule to follow, no one looking over your shoulder to make sure your grammar is correct and that you've signed up for the right classes. No turning down plans because you have to go to an awful class where you space out and day-dream about what would it be like to finally be out. My day-dreams are nothing like my reality. I like to be told what to do. I like to have a schedule. I like knowing that I'm working towards something, even if that's a piece of paper. I like having people above me to explain their expectations of me, and I like trying to live up to them. Even in my day-dreams of freedom, I was enslaved to plans, busyness, and authority. Now, I have nothing.
No plans, some busyness (but that's by choice), and very little authority. Even my parents told me last night that they would support me in my life decisions. There's something inside me that just wishes they would argue with what I want my life to look like, I want them to hate it and not support, so that I have a justification for not doing it.
After talking to my best friend yesterday about moving into Hamilton next year, and quite possibly an intential living community, I got scared. I knew that that would involve a lot of time, a lot of investment, a lot of my heart. Do I even have space?? I knew that I was going to have to give up things, things that I already have, in order to live this. I also knew the abundant life that I can have by doing this.
I hate change.
I thought for awhile I loved it, but I don't.
I'm a creature of habit.
I don't even like tasting new food.
I'm always trying to convince people to come to Hamilton with me. Mostly because I don't want change to happen. I want everyone to be around me. I want it to be easy to be in relationship with people. I think to some degree, this is the way life was intended. Even Jesus' life was an example of this. He was always surrounded by the people he most trusted. It always excites me to hear when people that I love are moving just down the road (literally, not like how I say Oakville is just down the road). But there's always something in the back of my mind. I remember talking to my friend who already lives there, he constantly reminds me that it can be a lonely place. Not because there aren't thousands of people around you, but more so, because the people you want to be experiencing it with aren't there. He told me that a lot of people would say they are definitely going to come and be with them, just after they accomplished other things. Those things have come and gone, and he looks around and sees no one. I fear this.
I'm scared of moving on. I'm scared that relationships I have right now are just seasons. I'm scared that in a few years, I will think about them and question what happened?
I retreat.
I fear rejection so much, that I choose to reject.
I fear change so much, that I choose to be the one changing.
The easy solution? Is to do just that, retreat, change, move on.
But for whatever reason, that solution does not satisfy me. Maybe it did in the past, but it doesn't anymore. I hate that I'm scared of trusting some of the best people I know, because I'm scared of them not being with me. The worst part is, I don't even know how to get over it.
I feel like live is a vicious cycle. A FUCKING vicious cyle.
I fear being replaced, but I'm the person that replaces.
I replace because it's easy. It's convinient to become close to the people that are in your daily life. It's hard to sacrifice time, energy, care, and even pain, into something that you don't see the daily fruits of, and quite likely not even the weekly or monthly fruits of that investment.
The word community when defined means people living in a specific location together. How does community exist then, when people are separated by geographics, by culture, by societies?
Are we supposed to go by this dictionary definition even? Or just re-define it ourselves?
I'm not sure of any of these answers...
I'm not sure how I can even begin to trust people, even if only for seasons.
I'm not sure how I can be okay with only seasonal friendships.
I'm not sure they even exist.
I'm just frustrated.
With myself mostly.
Maybe I just need people to demand my life. To demand my trust.
But maybe, that's expecting too much.