After another night of tossing and turning, I decided maybe it's about time to write another one of these therapeutic blogs. My brain is/has been on overdrive for the last week, overdrive might be a bit of an understatement, but for lack of a better word, I'll use overdrive. This state of thinking happens every so often. For the most part, I love when new things come to me, but I've noticed that the process of thinking is difficult and frustrating.
I'd like to think that a core value I have is my relationships. I hope that the people closest to me, know without a doubt that they are important, loved, and so so so valued by me. Maybe I began thinking about relationships because over the last few months I have been involved with people who have shown me raw love, community, and care. So much so that I began wondering what REAL relationships require. Here's my thinking so far:
I've realized that I should rename my blog, RISK...that's usually what everything comes back to anyways.
Life is a one ball of RISK.
In each and every decision we make, there is the risk that it was/is wrong. For some things this risk becomes easy. Chocolate or Vanilla? CHOCOLATE. Fine dining or Pizza? PIZZA. Inside or outside? OUTSIDE. There is little to no risk, because I know what I prefer. I know my favourites, and it's easy to always choose that.
On the other hand, there are many MANY big decisions and risks that we make and take. I think for me, the biggest decisions ALWAYS involve more than one person, they are always bigger than me. I think that's why it becomes so hard to choose or decide that risk.
After talking to a good friend yesterday, I had a "light-bulb" moment, if you will.
To give a little bit of a preface to this light-bulb occurence, there's something you need to know about me. Something that probably by reading my past blogs you'll already understand. I don't like risk. I don't like the thought of going out on a limb, stepping out, further, putting my heart on the line, to have the potential of it breaking or being rejected. The thought of that even, makes me sick.
It's funny how things work out though, because what I'm beginning to see is that risk in any relationship is necessary. Not only is it necessary, but by risking, you're attributing and giving worth to someone. I'd like to go even one step further to say that when risking, when choosing to go out on a limb, when choosing (ohhh gosh, here comes the forbidden word) to be vulnerable enough to share your heart with someone, something so beautiful happens. You give ULTIMATE worth and value to the person you're choosing to take the risk on.
I don't know if this makes sense.
For someone who doesn't like risk, it scares the shit out of me. The other funny thing too is, is to think that people will take risks on me. I think that thought scares me even more. To think that someone values ME enough to risk blows my mind. I don't even know how often this really happens.
My friend once told me, after she read one of her many books, that we need to understand that we are worth it.
I am worth it.
That's a hard concept to grasp. It's hard because all too often, we don't allow people to be worth it to us. We don't allow people to enter into our hearts and our world, for fear of what? Being rejected?
I'm beginning to think that the positive outcomes and benefits that are associated with risk-taking far outweigh the fear, and even the reality of being rejected. Even in taking little risks with the people most important to me, I've seen the benefit of risk taking.
I know that risk-taking isn't an attribute that comes over night... I'm not even sure if it's something you can DECIDE to do. Maybe it is. All I know is that, it's worth it.
One of my greatest insecurities is that I won't be worth it. That I won't be enough.
I will fail. I will be replaced. I will be rejected.
The truth is, that will be the case for some people. The kinda crazy part about that is I'm okay with that.
I'm okay with that, because I'd like to believe that to someone I'm worth it. I am enough, I'm more than enough. I won't ever be replaced, and further, my heart will be protected rather than rejected.
I realize this might sound all over the place, so if you take anything from this, just know that you are worth it.
At the end of the day, I'd like to believe that when you care so much for someone, their heart/needs are put before your own. I think that this makes taking the risk a little easier, because in the end, your heart will be protected.
I've come the end of my thinking process.
Thank you for listening/reading this babble, I apologize if it's ambiguous or confusing.
You're worth it.
If not to anyone else, you're worth it to me.
If you're like me and think like me, please be reminded (and I'll remind myself while typing this) that to someone, even if it's just ONE person, you are enough, FAR MORE than enough, you are so special, you are SO worth it to someone. So take the risk.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Monday, June 11, 2007
"I hate goodbyes"--Lloyd, Dumb and Dumber
My favourite movie is Dumb and Dumber.
One of my favourite scenes, is when Lloyd drops Mary off at the airport and says
uggghh, i HATE good-byes
shhhh...don't say anything...just GO.
I don't think I've done it justice by quoting it in my blog, but hopefully you can visualize it and laugh with me.
I realized this morning that I absolutely HATE saying good-bye.
Mostly because I hate change.
I was having a conversation yesterday with a friend and we were discussing different relationships, friendships and insecurities. Over the last few months I've really come to notice a lot of my own insecurities. I'm someone who needs to know that I'm valued, I need to know that I have a place, and an important place at that, in the lives of those most important to me. I need quality time with people. I need attention...sick I know, but so so true.
Sometimes I feel like a real sissy letting people know my sensitivities and insecurities. I realize we all have them, but at times, I feel like mine are worse than everyone elses.
I also realized that now, more than ever, I care about the relationships that I have.
So much so, that I'm willing to reveal my insecurities. I'm willing to stop retreating. I never really thought I'd ever get to that point. I'm sorta thankful for it. As much as it's a pain in the ass to have to force myself out of my natural instincts, I'm happy to know that some of these relationships will last me, well, hopefully forever.
Even if that's not the case though, I think I've learned for the better. My mom always said:
it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all
I used to NEVER agree with this, but now I'm beginning to see the advantage. Even losing the risk you took on someone, leaves you knowing that you can do it. It is sucky when you feel rejected and hurt, but knowing that you can work past that is worth it.
I realized today, that I'm really going to miss you this summer. I know that I have an exceptional community up north, but it's hard to leave it here. Even with some of my closest community up there, it's not the same, and I'm desparately going to miss that.
I had to say goodbye to the cleaning girls today, they are fun and we talk everytime they are in. I almost cried saying goodbye and I don't even know their last names!
I realized that this year it's going to be rough leaving.
Worse than any year in the past.
It sucks.
One of my favourite scenes, is when Lloyd drops Mary off at the airport and says
uggghh, i HATE good-byes
shhhh...don't say anything...just GO.
I don't think I've done it justice by quoting it in my blog, but hopefully you can visualize it and laugh with me.
I realized this morning that I absolutely HATE saying good-bye.
Mostly because I hate change.
I was having a conversation yesterday with a friend and we were discussing different relationships, friendships and insecurities. Over the last few months I've really come to notice a lot of my own insecurities. I'm someone who needs to know that I'm valued, I need to know that I have a place, and an important place at that, in the lives of those most important to me. I need quality time with people. I need attention...sick I know, but so so true.
Sometimes I feel like a real sissy letting people know my sensitivities and insecurities. I realize we all have them, but at times, I feel like mine are worse than everyone elses.
I also realized that now, more than ever, I care about the relationships that I have.
So much so, that I'm willing to reveal my insecurities. I'm willing to stop retreating. I never really thought I'd ever get to that point. I'm sorta thankful for it. As much as it's a pain in the ass to have to force myself out of my natural instincts, I'm happy to know that some of these relationships will last me, well, hopefully forever.
Even if that's not the case though, I think I've learned for the better. My mom always said:
it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all
I used to NEVER agree with this, but now I'm beginning to see the advantage. Even losing the risk you took on someone, leaves you knowing that you can do it. It is sucky when you feel rejected and hurt, but knowing that you can work past that is worth it.
I realized today, that I'm really going to miss you this summer. I know that I have an exceptional community up north, but it's hard to leave it here. Even with some of my closest community up there, it's not the same, and I'm desparately going to miss that.
I had to say goodbye to the cleaning girls today, they are fun and we talk everytime they are in. I almost cried saying goodbye and I don't even know their last names!
I realized that this year it's going to be rough leaving.
Worse than any year in the past.
It sucks.
Saturday, June 9, 2007
HAPPY 24th BIRTHDAY CAITLIN!!!
I know I've told you a million times over, but you're incredible. Your love for life, fun and adventure attracts so many people to you. Your heart for people, specifically the marginalized and forsaken is something I hope the world can see, if not today, at least one day (and I have no doubt that that will happen). Today, smile, because you woke up and can celebrate living one of the best lives. Today, laugh, because you have people around you who care so much for you. Today, live, because you've been given life to the fullest.
I appreciate you more than you know and hope that you have a PHENOMENAL day of LIFE.
Thanks for everything you do Cait.
You're the greatest friend.
Happy, Happy Birthday.
Love,
Amanda
Friday, June 8, 2007
Oh the Places You'll Go...my Rite of Passage
It's hard to believe that 4 years have come and gone. While, during that time, I'm sure many people heard from me that I couldn't wait to be out, I now regret wishing my university years away.
It is nuts how fast life can pass us by. Walking across the stage made me realize that this part of my life, has quickly come to an end.
My validictorian made an empowering, thought provoking and challenging speech. He used a story from Mother Theresa about a nursing home (fairly fitting for 5 gerontology grads), MT walked into the home and was very impressed by it's accomodations, resources, and facilities. She quickly noticed though that many of the residents looked horribly sad and kept staring at the door. She couldn't figure out why they longing watched the door day in, day out. After asking the nursing staff one day, she found out that it was because they kept waiting for someone to come in and love them. He challenged us to be the next person to walk through the door and love people.
What I realized was that a door is small. While eventually everyone can feed through it, it takes going through one by one in order to effectively enter the hurting community. While many people may go on and live life having never walked threw that door, having never actually loved and been loved in return. I really realized that this is a time, now more than ever, to choose love. I don't mean love in the mushy feelings and nice emotions love. I mean RAW love. I mean the kind of love, a lot of people shy away from, because it's uncomfortable, it's messy, it means giving up on my selfish ambitions and instead, looking to the hearts of those around me. I want to walk through the door and be a person of messy love.
Last night, I went to my best friend's house, where a bunch of us gathered, with our parents and grandparents. It was an awesome time. Many of the parents had never met, but had something great in common, their kids were all best friends. Towards the end of the night, they brought out champagne and we toasted. It really was the closing of another chapter and all the while, a reopening of a brand new one.
I realize that few read this blog. But last night, on the ride home, it really struck me how lucky, blessed and fortunate I am. My university career did fly by, and there are many reasons for that. I've had the time of my life. I've met and become closer to the best people I think I'll ever meet. I have learned how to love and how to be loved. I've learned that that isn't always easy. I've learned that care requires pain. I've learned it also requires joy. I've learned that when shit hits the fan, laugh about it, in reality there's nothing anyone can do. More than anything, I've surrounded myself, or more so, for whatever you've chosen to surround me, with people who are and will continue to change the world. If not globally, individually. You've changed mine. Part of me wishes I could go back in time and do university over. I wish that I could've spent more time playing DDR, I wish I would've said YES to every plan that came my way, instead of seldomly having to say NO, because I had a paper due the next day. However, this is not the end. No, no, this is only the beginning. We've formed a beautiful community. One of friendship, laughter, some tears, joy, pain, hurt, and most of all one of absolute love. Thank you, to everyone who has invested in me, challenged me, loved me despite my monsterous ways at times, who has chosen to be my friend despite my horrible habits. Today, I'm excited to think of what's next, only because I know that whatever is next will have you there with me.
The validictorian ended by quoting Dr. Seuss, Oh the Places You Will Go. I'm just thankful that I have places to go with people who love me.
It is nuts how fast life can pass us by. Walking across the stage made me realize that this part of my life, has quickly come to an end.
My validictorian made an empowering, thought provoking and challenging speech. He used a story from Mother Theresa about a nursing home (fairly fitting for 5 gerontology grads), MT walked into the home and was very impressed by it's accomodations, resources, and facilities. She quickly noticed though that many of the residents looked horribly sad and kept staring at the door. She couldn't figure out why they longing watched the door day in, day out. After asking the nursing staff one day, she found out that it was because they kept waiting for someone to come in and love them. He challenged us to be the next person to walk through the door and love people.
What I realized was that a door is small. While eventually everyone can feed through it, it takes going through one by one in order to effectively enter the hurting community. While many people may go on and live life having never walked threw that door, having never actually loved and been loved in return. I really realized that this is a time, now more than ever, to choose love. I don't mean love in the mushy feelings and nice emotions love. I mean RAW love. I mean the kind of love, a lot of people shy away from, because it's uncomfortable, it's messy, it means giving up on my selfish ambitions and instead, looking to the hearts of those around me. I want to walk through the door and be a person of messy love.
Last night, I went to my best friend's house, where a bunch of us gathered, with our parents and grandparents. It was an awesome time. Many of the parents had never met, but had something great in common, their kids were all best friends. Towards the end of the night, they brought out champagne and we toasted. It really was the closing of another chapter and all the while, a reopening of a brand new one.
I realize that few read this blog. But last night, on the ride home, it really struck me how lucky, blessed and fortunate I am. My university career did fly by, and there are many reasons for that. I've had the time of my life. I've met and become closer to the best people I think I'll ever meet. I have learned how to love and how to be loved. I've learned that that isn't always easy. I've learned that care requires pain. I've learned it also requires joy. I've learned that when shit hits the fan, laugh about it, in reality there's nothing anyone can do. More than anything, I've surrounded myself, or more so, for whatever you've chosen to surround me, with people who are and will continue to change the world. If not globally, individually. You've changed mine. Part of me wishes I could go back in time and do university over. I wish that I could've spent more time playing DDR, I wish I would've said YES to every plan that came my way, instead of seldomly having to say NO, because I had a paper due the next day. However, this is not the end. No, no, this is only the beginning. We've formed a beautiful community. One of friendship, laughter, some tears, joy, pain, hurt, and most of all one of absolute love. Thank you, to everyone who has invested in me, challenged me, loved me despite my monsterous ways at times, who has chosen to be my friend despite my horrible habits. Today, I'm excited to think of what's next, only because I know that whatever is next will have you there with me.
The validictorian ended by quoting Dr. Seuss, Oh the Places You Will Go. I'm just thankful that I have places to go with people who love me.
Thursday, June 7, 2007
It just makes sense...
Lately, I've had many conversations about the "church". What it means, what it's intended to look like, etc.
It's frustrating how God made us so different. I'm beginning to see that it takes all kinds in order to live in this big universe. As much as some would classify me as a egalitarian, feminist, or "equalist" (to make feminism a little safer to identify with), I would also classify myself partially as a "debbie-downer". I don't think this world will ever see justice fully restored, the strong fully become weak, and the rich fully become poor, at least not until this world is fully restored to it's original and perfected state (talked about Romans). Having said that, I would also like to assert that I believe we can see the Kingdom in it's fully human, fully broken, and fully beautiful state here on earth, even if only in part. I'm probably being very vague and confusing here, for that I apologize. Let me try and work this out as it has been going through my brain.
When I think about my current church situation and even many churches I visit, I can't help but think about what attracted me to it in the first place. Yes, for the church I'm attending now, the youth group/kids attracted me. But it goes much deeper than that. It's a secure, comfortable place, where it's almost recognized as "cool" to be a "Christ-follower". The lights, the sound, the techno, the humour, the edgey video clips that incorporate some sort of controversial message and does not hide from coarse language, are all characteristics of a "church" that I attend. To walk into church on a Sunday, it is easy for me to be overlooked. I think I find comfort in that. Knowing that if I don't want to be in conversation with someone, I can go in, sing, listen, maybe let out a chuckle here and there, and leave. Having absolutely NO human contact, but potentially the person I had to body slam to make it to the middle sit (for whatever reason, people think it's cool to sit on the end of the rows...NEWS FLASH: it's NOT).
To me, "church" in the loose definition that I'm giving it, as somewhere you go on Sunday mornings, is easy for me. Really, it's easy for us all.
In writing my previous blog (Red Carpet), and reading some of my friend's blogs, I am consistently reminded that Christ's life was radical, was different, was not easy, further, was extremely DIFFICULT, was one of struggle, defeat, and pain. It's easy to romanticize this life, it's easy to go into a flashy church with A LOT of people and leave, feeling that we've done humanity a favour by just entering the doors. Might I suggest, this thinking is blemished.
So, WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!
Why do I continue going?
Why do I continue feeding into the disarranged attitudes of the church?
Why do I continue to try and make myself as comfortable as possible?
Why do I justify that?
Why am soooo fearful of change?
My answer to this is not well thought out, but I'll give it a go:
Humanity is messed up.
We long for human to human contact, and yet, find ourselves seeking out the biggest crowd to belong to.
When we get that "Go Big or Go Home" mentality, we feel disengaged with those around us and seek out desparately for the few people that will care for us.
So why am I so scared of "church", as defined in Hebrews: "where 2 or 3 are gathered together in my name, there I am, and that is church", why am I so scared, of the church in Acts, where people ate and spent time together, why am I so quick to retreat from living out love and care for orphans and widows, like James tells us?
I'll tell you why. Because I fear you.
Within these references of church, it is evident that communities were small, they were personable, they were vulnerable. Vulnerability is a scary scary thought. Not because I fear people giving me their burdens, but I fear that you will want mine.
Smallness scares people because all the sudden we are WHO we are.
We have no one, no lights, no sounds, no entertainment to hide behind. We simply MUST be who we are.
At the same time, I think that's what we all crave. We all desire to be US, we desire to have a voice, we desire to matter.
Maybe that's why the flashly lights and entertainment sustain for awhile, but not forever.
For me, the harder choice is to choose the small community, and know that not only do I have a voice, but it's necessary that I use it.
To be loved. To be cared for.
Further, to struggle, to endure suffering with each other.
Community is such a strange concept.
I don't know why, but it just makes sense.
Maybe that's just the way it should be?
It's frustrating how God made us so different. I'm beginning to see that it takes all kinds in order to live in this big universe. As much as some would classify me as a egalitarian, feminist, or "equalist" (to make feminism a little safer to identify with), I would also classify myself partially as a "debbie-downer". I don't think this world will ever see justice fully restored, the strong fully become weak, and the rich fully become poor, at least not until this world is fully restored to it's original and perfected state (talked about Romans). Having said that, I would also like to assert that I believe we can see the Kingdom in it's fully human, fully broken, and fully beautiful state here on earth, even if only in part. I'm probably being very vague and confusing here, for that I apologize. Let me try and work this out as it has been going through my brain.
When I think about my current church situation and even many churches I visit, I can't help but think about what attracted me to it in the first place. Yes, for the church I'm attending now, the youth group/kids attracted me. But it goes much deeper than that. It's a secure, comfortable place, where it's almost recognized as "cool" to be a "Christ-follower". The lights, the sound, the techno, the humour, the edgey video clips that incorporate some sort of controversial message and does not hide from coarse language, are all characteristics of a "church" that I attend. To walk into church on a Sunday, it is easy for me to be overlooked. I think I find comfort in that. Knowing that if I don't want to be in conversation with someone, I can go in, sing, listen, maybe let out a chuckle here and there, and leave. Having absolutely NO human contact, but potentially the person I had to body slam to make it to the middle sit (for whatever reason, people think it's cool to sit on the end of the rows...NEWS FLASH: it's NOT).
To me, "church" in the loose definition that I'm giving it, as somewhere you go on Sunday mornings, is easy for me. Really, it's easy for us all.
In writing my previous blog (Red Carpet), and reading some of my friend's blogs, I am consistently reminded that Christ's life was radical, was different, was not easy, further, was extremely DIFFICULT, was one of struggle, defeat, and pain. It's easy to romanticize this life, it's easy to go into a flashy church with A LOT of people and leave, feeling that we've done humanity a favour by just entering the doors. Might I suggest, this thinking is blemished.
So, WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!
Why do I continue going?
Why do I continue feeding into the disarranged attitudes of the church?
Why do I continue to try and make myself as comfortable as possible?
Why do I justify that?
Why am soooo fearful of change?
My answer to this is not well thought out, but I'll give it a go:
Humanity is messed up.
We long for human to human contact, and yet, find ourselves seeking out the biggest crowd to belong to.
When we get that "Go Big or Go Home" mentality, we feel disengaged with those around us and seek out desparately for the few people that will care for us.
So why am I so scared of "church", as defined in Hebrews: "where 2 or 3 are gathered together in my name, there I am, and that is church", why am I so scared, of the church in Acts, where people ate and spent time together, why am I so quick to retreat from living out love and care for orphans and widows, like James tells us?
I'll tell you why. Because I fear you.
Within these references of church, it is evident that communities were small, they were personable, they were vulnerable. Vulnerability is a scary scary thought. Not because I fear people giving me their burdens, but I fear that you will want mine.
Smallness scares people because all the sudden we are WHO we are.
We have no one, no lights, no sounds, no entertainment to hide behind. We simply MUST be who we are.
At the same time, I think that's what we all crave. We all desire to be US, we desire to have a voice, we desire to matter.
Maybe that's why the flashly lights and entertainment sustain for awhile, but not forever.
For me, the harder choice is to choose the small community, and know that not only do I have a voice, but it's necessary that I use it.
To be loved. To be cared for.
Further, to struggle, to endure suffering with each other.
Community is such a strange concept.
I don't know why, but it just makes sense.
Maybe that's just the way it should be?
Monday, June 4, 2007
Red Carpet
Wow, it's been quite sometime since I've sat down to write on here.
A lot has happened.
My trip to NC was incredible. I became obsessed with collecting shells. It was also so fun to spend an entire week with 4 incredible people in my life, just us, the ocean and some beautiful musical stylings of Pat and Chris Martin. I'll probably write more about my trip later. Since I've come back, my life has been a whirlwind. I found that after spending so much time just being, spending time with people that care about me, and vice versa, and having many MANY meaningful conversations, it was so hard to return to the reality of a busy life.
Since, I've been thinking a lot about the choices I've made, the choices I'm going to be making, and my increased amount of stress and fear around all of these decisions.
I'll try and be as coherent as possible as I continue to type but I apologize in advance if this blog doesn't make sense. In many ways, it's a reflection of what my brain/heart looks like right now. Just a moment ago I realized how truly beautiful that confusion is.
As already mentioned in a previous blog, my critical view of "worship" music has begun to evolve. I went to a free starfield concert last night. It was great to watch some of my favourite people google in awe at their musical heroes. Even though, in my mind, I couldn't help but think that they are so much better then the people on stage. I looked around this decked out church. On every light fixture a wooden cross was found. The bathroom, had beautiful marble counters with fresh flowers in the vase. During the "concert", which the lead singer kept referring to as "church", my eyes kept darting around at the variety of "visually pleasing aesthetics". I began to wonder, is this place where Jesus would spend his time?
As I watched words like "All for you, I'm letting go"; " I want to be a revolution" (which my friend pointed out, isn't even right, a revolution implies way more than just one person, he quickly changed it to "we") flash across the screen, I began wondering what goes through God's mind when He's watching, and even further, I wondered if God felt invited into this "worship". Please don't read this wrong. I believe that there are sincere and authentic hearts singing these beautiful words and poems to the God that they serve and love, and I do believe that God sees that as beautiful and pleasing to Him. But further, I think He thinks that our version of "worship" is a little warped. When such inspiring, authentic, broken and real words are combined with flashy lights, smoke machines, and red carpet, I can't help but think that this "party" isn't one that Jesus would've partaken in.
I was thinking out loud last with a friend, that Jesus' feet were not feet to walk upon red carpet, but instead where feet that walked in the dirt, in the mud, in utter shit sometimes. Even though these are just feet, I think something can be learned from this opposition of ground. Red carpet signifies comfort, complecancy, and indifference. The mud, dirt and shit, signfies struggle, reality, adventure, and LOVE.
I thought to myself, particularly as I prepare myself to graduate university, get a job and begin life, that I have come to a fork in the road. I can continue on the red carpet (it is my fav colour after all), I can continue being comfortable, I can continue justifying my actions, my speech, my purchases, my life away. OR (man, I LOVE that word--- OR). I can take the risk, and begin walking on the dirt path. In my mind, and even biblically, this path is not well groomed, well kept, or well walked. Which leads me to believe all the more, that this is the path for me.
It's a scary thought, it's scary because it's one of those few times in life that you have to step on your own, and yes, many many other feet might meet up with you to join on that dirt path. But inevitably, it's up to ME. Inevitably, I might be a lone walker.
I've also been doing a lot of thinking about risk and relationships. Over the past few months there have been a couple of relationships in my life that have constantly challenged me and spurred me on towards taking the risk. It's interesting because I've never wanted to take this risk before. Having met these people (some of them have been around for a bit and just recently our relationship has become real and authentic), it makes me, in the words of Jack Nicholson from As Good As Its Gets, want to be a better person.
Risk...such a scary word.
The other day I was talking to one of my friends about risking a friendship for something more. While, this is a topic all on it's own, it really made me realize that ideally in any relationship, romantic or not, we would be willing to risk it for the other person. We'd be willing to risk security, comfort and safety for the people we desire to care about, love, and protect. Crazy eh?!
As for the risking friendship for something more, I don't know. I realize in many situations it must be done. I was talking to another good friend, who reminded me to find my freedom in being content with where I am, who I am, and more importantly WHO I'm WITH (not in a romantic, marriage-type relationship). For me, right now, I'm willing to risk. At this very moment, I'm willing to to step out and hope that maybe, if not even right now, you'll step out with me. I reminded myself today, that I have to be okay if I do end up flying solo, but I'm going to go out on a limb (go out on a risk, you could say), and believe that I'm not going to be alone.
This confusion and frustration of where life can go, where it should go, it's stressful, it's worrysome, and all the while, it's WELL worth it.
You are worth it to me.
You have shown me that I'm worth it to you.
And that, I am so thankful for.
A lot has happened.
My trip to NC was incredible. I became obsessed with collecting shells. It was also so fun to spend an entire week with 4 incredible people in my life, just us, the ocean and some beautiful musical stylings of Pat and Chris Martin. I'll probably write more about my trip later. Since I've come back, my life has been a whirlwind. I found that after spending so much time just being, spending time with people that care about me, and vice versa, and having many MANY meaningful conversations, it was so hard to return to the reality of a busy life.
Since, I've been thinking a lot about the choices I've made, the choices I'm going to be making, and my increased amount of stress and fear around all of these decisions.
I'll try and be as coherent as possible as I continue to type but I apologize in advance if this blog doesn't make sense. In many ways, it's a reflection of what my brain/heart looks like right now. Just a moment ago I realized how truly beautiful that confusion is.
As already mentioned in a previous blog, my critical view of "worship" music has begun to evolve. I went to a free starfield concert last night. It was great to watch some of my favourite people google in awe at their musical heroes. Even though, in my mind, I couldn't help but think that they are so much better then the people on stage. I looked around this decked out church. On every light fixture a wooden cross was found. The bathroom, had beautiful marble counters with fresh flowers in the vase. During the "concert", which the lead singer kept referring to as "church", my eyes kept darting around at the variety of "visually pleasing aesthetics". I began to wonder, is this place where Jesus would spend his time?
As I watched words like "All for you, I'm letting go"; " I want to be a revolution" (which my friend pointed out, isn't even right, a revolution implies way more than just one person, he quickly changed it to "we") flash across the screen, I began wondering what goes through God's mind when He's watching, and even further, I wondered if God felt invited into this "worship". Please don't read this wrong. I believe that there are sincere and authentic hearts singing these beautiful words and poems to the God that they serve and love, and I do believe that God sees that as beautiful and pleasing to Him. But further, I think He thinks that our version of "worship" is a little warped. When such inspiring, authentic, broken and real words are combined with flashy lights, smoke machines, and red carpet, I can't help but think that this "party" isn't one that Jesus would've partaken in.
I was thinking out loud last with a friend, that Jesus' feet were not feet to walk upon red carpet, but instead where feet that walked in the dirt, in the mud, in utter shit sometimes. Even though these are just feet, I think something can be learned from this opposition of ground. Red carpet signifies comfort, complecancy, and indifference. The mud, dirt and shit, signfies struggle, reality, adventure, and LOVE.
I thought to myself, particularly as I prepare myself to graduate university, get a job and begin life, that I have come to a fork in the road. I can continue on the red carpet (it is my fav colour after all), I can continue being comfortable, I can continue justifying my actions, my speech, my purchases, my life away. OR (man, I LOVE that word--- OR). I can take the risk, and begin walking on the dirt path. In my mind, and even biblically, this path is not well groomed, well kept, or well walked. Which leads me to believe all the more, that this is the path for me.
It's a scary thought, it's scary because it's one of those few times in life that you have to step on your own, and yes, many many other feet might meet up with you to join on that dirt path. But inevitably, it's up to ME. Inevitably, I might be a lone walker.
I've also been doing a lot of thinking about risk and relationships. Over the past few months there have been a couple of relationships in my life that have constantly challenged me and spurred me on towards taking the risk. It's interesting because I've never wanted to take this risk before. Having met these people (some of them have been around for a bit and just recently our relationship has become real and authentic), it makes me, in the words of Jack Nicholson from As Good As Its Gets, want to be a better person.
Risk...such a scary word.
The other day I was talking to one of my friends about risking a friendship for something more. While, this is a topic all on it's own, it really made me realize that ideally in any relationship, romantic or not, we would be willing to risk it for the other person. We'd be willing to risk security, comfort and safety for the people we desire to care about, love, and protect. Crazy eh?!
As for the risking friendship for something more, I don't know. I realize in many situations it must be done. I was talking to another good friend, who reminded me to find my freedom in being content with where I am, who I am, and more importantly WHO I'm WITH (not in a romantic, marriage-type relationship). For me, right now, I'm willing to risk. At this very moment, I'm willing to to step out and hope that maybe, if not even right now, you'll step out with me. I reminded myself today, that I have to be okay if I do end up flying solo, but I'm going to go out on a limb (go out on a risk, you could say), and believe that I'm not going to be alone.
This confusion and frustration of where life can go, where it should go, it's stressful, it's worrysome, and all the while, it's WELL worth it.
You are worth it to me.
You have shown me that I'm worth it to you.
And that, I am so thankful for.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Size LARGE
The last few days, I've gone to the mall.
Which, already, is my first issue.
I hate the mall.
I used to love shopping. I loved getting a new outfit, it actually made my week to be able to wear something new.
I don't know when it happened, but suddenly I entered the mall, and hated EVERY minute of being there.
I think mostly because it makes me feel like shit.
Not only, b/c I don't have the latest fashions, but also because I can't afford the latest fashions.
And if I'm being totally honest here, it goes further, to issues of self image. I feel ugly, fat and inadequate.
When I walk into a store and see manequins wearing the coolest outfit and try and emulate that, it NEVER looks the same on me.
I've always faced issues with being "fat". It never ever leaves my mind. I'm constantly sizing myself against the next person that walks by. I feel more comfortable in a crowd if there's someone who is bigger than me.
My friend told me she wants to start a clothing company called, "Truth", where the sizes are the ACTUAL sizes. Where an XS, doesn't just fit on my pinky, but can actually fit someone who should be wearing an XS.
I don't think there was a second in my mind yesterday at the mall, where I wasn't working out the next diet I was going to go on. Or, promise myself that it was going to be Thin-fast shakes from now on. Only so I can go into a store and be able to put on anything I want and look good in it.
THE WORST, is when you are in a change room and the lady comes around and asks if you need a different size. Even if the L didn't fit and I need to go to the XL, I REFUSE to tell her that. She's probably a size 1 maybe 2. In my mind, she'll see me as obese and think that I need to go on a diet of Thin-fast shakes.
It's the worst feeling in the world, to feel fat, and then further, to believe that the truth is you are FAT.
For me, I always assume that that's why boys don't like me. And the reason that I've never really been in a relationship. I know I know it's illogical thinking. But, it's my thinking.
It's gotten so bad that sometimes, when I see a couple and the girl is bigger, I'm ALWAYS surprised. But WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!
It's easy for people, especially my friends and family, to look at me and tell me I'm beautiful. And yes, to an extent that makes me feel a little better. But the feeling of beauty never lasts.
I've tried to tell myself that I'm pretty, I've tried to look in a mirror and say to myself "you're beautiful", but I've never believed it. I don't really know if I ever will.
It's so easy to see beauty in others, but not in ourselves.
I guess it's the messed up world we live in.
I wish I could change my thinking, I wish I could change what I value about myself.
I'm just not sure how.
Which, already, is my first issue.
I hate the mall.
I used to love shopping. I loved getting a new outfit, it actually made my week to be able to wear something new.
I don't know when it happened, but suddenly I entered the mall, and hated EVERY minute of being there.
I think mostly because it makes me feel like shit.
Not only, b/c I don't have the latest fashions, but also because I can't afford the latest fashions.
And if I'm being totally honest here, it goes further, to issues of self image. I feel ugly, fat and inadequate.
When I walk into a store and see manequins wearing the coolest outfit and try and emulate that, it NEVER looks the same on me.
I've always faced issues with being "fat". It never ever leaves my mind. I'm constantly sizing myself against the next person that walks by. I feel more comfortable in a crowd if there's someone who is bigger than me.
My friend told me she wants to start a clothing company called, "Truth", where the sizes are the ACTUAL sizes. Where an XS, doesn't just fit on my pinky, but can actually fit someone who should be wearing an XS.
I don't think there was a second in my mind yesterday at the mall, where I wasn't working out the next diet I was going to go on. Or, promise myself that it was going to be Thin-fast shakes from now on. Only so I can go into a store and be able to put on anything I want and look good in it.
THE WORST, is when you are in a change room and the lady comes around and asks if you need a different size. Even if the L didn't fit and I need to go to the XL, I REFUSE to tell her that. She's probably a size 1 maybe 2. In my mind, she'll see me as obese and think that I need to go on a diet of Thin-fast shakes.
It's the worst feeling in the world, to feel fat, and then further, to believe that the truth is you are FAT.
For me, I always assume that that's why boys don't like me. And the reason that I've never really been in a relationship. I know I know it's illogical thinking. But, it's my thinking.
It's gotten so bad that sometimes, when I see a couple and the girl is bigger, I'm ALWAYS surprised. But WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!
It's easy for people, especially my friends and family, to look at me and tell me I'm beautiful. And yes, to an extent that makes me feel a little better. But the feeling of beauty never lasts.
I've tried to tell myself that I'm pretty, I've tried to look in a mirror and say to myself "you're beautiful", but I've never believed it. I don't really know if I ever will.
It's so easy to see beauty in others, but not in ourselves.
I guess it's the messed up world we live in.
I wish I could change my thinking, I wish I could change what I value about myself.
I'm just not sure how.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
WARNING: 100% personal feelings reflected in this Blog
I want to know you,
I want to see your face,
I want to know you more.
I want to touch you, I want hear your voice.
I want to know you more.
I'm here to meet with You,
Come and meet with me.
I'm here to find You,
Reveal yourself to me.
Humbly You came to the earth you created,
All for love's sake became poor.
God be the Solution.
Be your hands, be your feet, to the least of these..
Woah, God be the Solution.
These are just a couple of songs that popped into my head the other night. Easy to sing, catchy tunes, so easy to stomp our feet, jump up and down, and even yell the words out to. Not so easy to actually do what they are saying. Or even, to simply think about what the ramifications are of us saying these things.
Maybe this is just my bitterness talking.
I like to sometimes treat my blog like therapy, so if it comes across that way, I apologize in advance. If you're not interested in a little bitterness, stop reading NOW.
When we sing, I want to know you, I want to see your face. Really, what does that mean??
I was on a retreat on the weekend, where this song was sung. I looked around, I saw hands raised, I saw earnest faces, eyes closed, some smiles, some concerned faces, some dancing, some standing incredibly still. As I looked around, I noticed a commonality, everyone was singing these words. Everyone was speaking these expressive and substantial words to God. I couldn't help but wonder what meaning that was to them.
To me, it means a lot to say something so huge to the God of the universe.
When we say, I want to know you.
When we sing, Come meet with me.
When we are acknowledging the life of Christ as one of humility and poverty.
How does that change us?
Maybe I'm off the ball a little here, but we call this worship.
And I speak solely for myself now, when I say that's fucked up worship, if we are going to continue defining it as that.
That is me singing to God, HUGE HUGE requests, HUGE HUGE "desires", and in the end what I would like to suggest are HUGE lies. Maybe I've gone a little too far in calling them lies. But I have made these phrases so easy to say that they have become meaningless.
You see, these phrases in these oversung songs all have some uniformity to them. They all have words of ACTION.
I don't mean ACTION in the sense that we need to be shooting up our arms, or closing our eyes to look more spiritual then the next person with their hands in their pockets. I mean ACTION. In the adventure, fearless, daring way.
When we suggest to God that we WANT to know him, we MUST be willing to go searching for him. He even says in Jeremiah, you will find me, when you SEEK ME.
Likewise, I'm here to meet with you, where are you?! I find that song the hardest to sing, mostly b/c I would be scared to meet God in the places I am. Why is that? Partly because I'm not really exposing myself to the places where Christ dwelled. If I am, minimally.
I guess what I'm getting at here, is that I need to be mindful of what I'm saying.
Also, to realize that words require action. At least to God they do.
I've come to a place where if I want to know God, I need to go where He is. The life of Jesus has given us a prime example of where he dwells. Amongst the lonely, forsaken and rejected.
I've also been thinking a lot about how these words affect community.
While, some would argue that they are simply words put to music and have little to no consequence on our behaviour, I would argue the exact opposite. When you sit down and disect a lot of "worship" songs, there can be so much meaning that we did not even think existed.
When we serve a God of action, when we sing words about how he came to the world and humbled himself becoming poor, it only leads me to conclude that that is what I am to become. So why do we sing it, walk away on a "high", and continue living our selfish lives?
And we continue to see that present, as bands like Hillsong are getting bigger and bigger. I just heard that they are coming to the Molson Ampitheatre. That's huge.
That's where Jack Johnson, Ben Harper, and Black Eyed Peas have gone. We've taken our praise songs to God and made them a performance. Not only that, but we've taken these things and consumerized them. I just would like to clarify another thing here, these attitudes are totally and 100% my feelings, I do not mean to disrespect Hillsong or other worship Cd bands or suggest that they are not as "christian" as I am. More so, to raise awareness that we really aren't living any sort of anti-cultural message by buying into this stuff. I am totally to blame too. The other day I went looking for Hillsong on iTunes to buy the song Solution. Mostly because when I heard it, it had a message about social justice. A message about how God needs to be the solution. A message of grace and hope, a message about being Christ's hands and feet to the least of these. It is rather empowering isn't it?
Yet, when we look at our world, it's not "christians" we see changing it, no, in fact it's the opposite. God is no longer the solution. As shitty as that is to say/type.
My biggest fear is that we will keep seeing these songs and making them as meaningless as they have already become. My fear is that we will keep buying $45 concert tickets to see people who are "praising" God. My fear is that we will continue singing about meeting Christ, and longing to see Him, but NEVER venture out to the places where He exists in HUMAN form. My fear is that we will continue to sing about how we long for a solution, and yet, NEVER EVER see the equation of that solution.
I'm sorry for this rant, but these are legitimate fears of mine, not only for the church, but also for me. I've begun to see these songs as words, as promises, as a contract to act. Without action, there will be no change.
I want to see your face,
I want to know you more.
I want to touch you, I want hear your voice.
I want to know you more.
I'm here to meet with You,
Come and meet with me.
I'm here to find You,
Reveal yourself to me.
Humbly You came to the earth you created,
All for love's sake became poor.
God be the Solution.
Be your hands, be your feet, to the least of these..
Woah, God be the Solution.
These are just a couple of songs that popped into my head the other night. Easy to sing, catchy tunes, so easy to stomp our feet, jump up and down, and even yell the words out to. Not so easy to actually do what they are saying. Or even, to simply think about what the ramifications are of us saying these things.
Maybe this is just my bitterness talking.
I like to sometimes treat my blog like therapy, so if it comes across that way, I apologize in advance. If you're not interested in a little bitterness, stop reading NOW.
When we sing, I want to know you, I want to see your face. Really, what does that mean??
I was on a retreat on the weekend, where this song was sung. I looked around, I saw hands raised, I saw earnest faces, eyes closed, some smiles, some concerned faces, some dancing, some standing incredibly still. As I looked around, I noticed a commonality, everyone was singing these words. Everyone was speaking these expressive and substantial words to God. I couldn't help but wonder what meaning that was to them.
To me, it means a lot to say something so huge to the God of the universe.
When we say, I want to know you.
When we sing, Come meet with me.
When we are acknowledging the life of Christ as one of humility and poverty.
How does that change us?
Maybe I'm off the ball a little here, but we call this worship.
And I speak solely for myself now, when I say that's fucked up worship, if we are going to continue defining it as that.
That is me singing to God, HUGE HUGE requests, HUGE HUGE "desires", and in the end what I would like to suggest are HUGE lies. Maybe I've gone a little too far in calling them lies. But I have made these phrases so easy to say that they have become meaningless.
You see, these phrases in these oversung songs all have some uniformity to them. They all have words of ACTION.
I don't mean ACTION in the sense that we need to be shooting up our arms, or closing our eyes to look more spiritual then the next person with their hands in their pockets. I mean ACTION. In the adventure, fearless, daring way.
When we suggest to God that we WANT to know him, we MUST be willing to go searching for him. He even says in Jeremiah, you will find me, when you SEEK ME.
Likewise, I'm here to meet with you, where are you?! I find that song the hardest to sing, mostly b/c I would be scared to meet God in the places I am. Why is that? Partly because I'm not really exposing myself to the places where Christ dwelled. If I am, minimally.
I guess what I'm getting at here, is that I need to be mindful of what I'm saying.
Also, to realize that words require action. At least to God they do.
I've come to a place where if I want to know God, I need to go where He is. The life of Jesus has given us a prime example of where he dwells. Amongst the lonely, forsaken and rejected.
I've also been thinking a lot about how these words affect community.
While, some would argue that they are simply words put to music and have little to no consequence on our behaviour, I would argue the exact opposite. When you sit down and disect a lot of "worship" songs, there can be so much meaning that we did not even think existed.
When we serve a God of action, when we sing words about how he came to the world and humbled himself becoming poor, it only leads me to conclude that that is what I am to become. So why do we sing it, walk away on a "high", and continue living our selfish lives?
And we continue to see that present, as bands like Hillsong are getting bigger and bigger. I just heard that they are coming to the Molson Ampitheatre. That's huge.
That's where Jack Johnson, Ben Harper, and Black Eyed Peas have gone. We've taken our praise songs to God and made them a performance. Not only that, but we've taken these things and consumerized them. I just would like to clarify another thing here, these attitudes are totally and 100% my feelings, I do not mean to disrespect Hillsong or other worship Cd bands or suggest that they are not as "christian" as I am. More so, to raise awareness that we really aren't living any sort of anti-cultural message by buying into this stuff. I am totally to blame too. The other day I went looking for Hillsong on iTunes to buy the song Solution. Mostly because when I heard it, it had a message about social justice. A message about how God needs to be the solution. A message of grace and hope, a message about being Christ's hands and feet to the least of these. It is rather empowering isn't it?
Yet, when we look at our world, it's not "christians" we see changing it, no, in fact it's the opposite. God is no longer the solution. As shitty as that is to say/type.
My biggest fear is that we will keep seeing these songs and making them as meaningless as they have already become. My fear is that we will keep buying $45 concert tickets to see people who are "praising" God. My fear is that we will continue singing about meeting Christ, and longing to see Him, but NEVER venture out to the places where He exists in HUMAN form. My fear is that we will continue to sing about how we long for a solution, and yet, NEVER EVER see the equation of that solution.
I'm sorry for this rant, but these are legitimate fears of mine, not only for the church, but also for me. I've begun to see these songs as words, as promises, as a contract to act. Without action, there will be no change.
Monday, May 14, 2007
No NAME
I was thinking the other day, why do I act like I do?
There's no good reason for it.
I get close and then I retreat.
I was thinking about all the relationships I've had. That I can be so close to someone one year, and the next year, not really know what's going on with them.
That thought really scares me.
Why do I do that?
Don't get me wrong, I do have relationships, and important relationships that have lasted a long time. What makes those last and others not?
My mom used to always tell me that sometimes there's seasons of friendships. While, I agree with my mom, it's still hard to know when it's a season and when it will last.
Recently, it's been rough. It's an inner battle within myself to not retreat. It is like ingrained in my head to slowly slip away, so much so that it has become instinctual. So, when I'm aware and acting against it, it's brutal.
I began to question why I do this? Maybe I'm just a fair-weather friend, and I need to leave it at that. I'd like to think I'm more dedicated and committed than that though. And I'd like to not just leave it at that and often feels like I'm self-destructing.
I can't solve why this has happened for my whole life. But I began to slowly understand why it's happening now. Life changes, you graduate university and all the sudden there is no regimented schedule to follow, no one looking over your shoulder to make sure your grammar is correct and that you've signed up for the right classes. No turning down plans because you have to go to an awful class where you space out and day-dream about what would it be like to finally be out. My day-dreams are nothing like my reality. I like to be told what to do. I like to have a schedule. I like knowing that I'm working towards something, even if that's a piece of paper. I like having people above me to explain their expectations of me, and I like trying to live up to them. Even in my day-dreams of freedom, I was enslaved to plans, busyness, and authority. Now, I have nothing.
No plans, some busyness (but that's by choice), and very little authority. Even my parents told me last night that they would support me in my life decisions. There's something inside me that just wishes they would argue with what I want my life to look like, I want them to hate it and not support, so that I have a justification for not doing it.
After talking to my best friend yesterday about moving into Hamilton next year, and quite possibly an intential living community, I got scared. I knew that that would involve a lot of time, a lot of investment, a lot of my heart. Do I even have space?? I knew that I was going to have to give up things, things that I already have, in order to live this. I also knew the abundant life that I can have by doing this.
I hate change.
I thought for awhile I loved it, but I don't.
I'm a creature of habit.
I don't even like tasting new food.
I'm always trying to convince people to come to Hamilton with me. Mostly because I don't want change to happen. I want everyone to be around me. I want it to be easy to be in relationship with people. I think to some degree, this is the way life was intended. Even Jesus' life was an example of this. He was always surrounded by the people he most trusted. It always excites me to hear when people that I love are moving just down the road (literally, not like how I say Oakville is just down the road). But there's always something in the back of my mind. I remember talking to my friend who already lives there, he constantly reminds me that it can be a lonely place. Not because there aren't thousands of people around you, but more so, because the people you want to be experiencing it with aren't there. He told me that a lot of people would say they are definitely going to come and be with them, just after they accomplished other things. Those things have come and gone, and he looks around and sees no one. I fear this.
I'm scared of moving on. I'm scared that relationships I have right now are just seasons. I'm scared that in a few years, I will think about them and question what happened?
I retreat.
I fear rejection so much, that I choose to reject.
I fear change so much, that I choose to be the one changing.
The easy solution? Is to do just that, retreat, change, move on.
But for whatever reason, that solution does not satisfy me. Maybe it did in the past, but it doesn't anymore. I hate that I'm scared of trusting some of the best people I know, because I'm scared of them not being with me. The worst part is, I don't even know how to get over it.
I feel like live is a vicious cycle. A FUCKING vicious cyle.
I fear being replaced, but I'm the person that replaces.
I replace because it's easy. It's convinient to become close to the people that are in your daily life. It's hard to sacrifice time, energy, care, and even pain, into something that you don't see the daily fruits of, and quite likely not even the weekly or monthly fruits of that investment.
The word community when defined means people living in a specific location together. How does community exist then, when people are separated by geographics, by culture, by societies?
Are we supposed to go by this dictionary definition even? Or just re-define it ourselves?
I'm not sure of any of these answers...
I'm not sure how I can even begin to trust people, even if only for seasons.
I'm not sure how I can be okay with only seasonal friendships.
I'm not sure they even exist.
I'm just frustrated.
With myself mostly.
Maybe I just need people to demand my life. To demand my trust.
But maybe, that's expecting too much.
There's no good reason for it.
I get close and then I retreat.
I was thinking about all the relationships I've had. That I can be so close to someone one year, and the next year, not really know what's going on with them.
That thought really scares me.
Why do I do that?
Don't get me wrong, I do have relationships, and important relationships that have lasted a long time. What makes those last and others not?
My mom used to always tell me that sometimes there's seasons of friendships. While, I agree with my mom, it's still hard to know when it's a season and when it will last.
Recently, it's been rough. It's an inner battle within myself to not retreat. It is like ingrained in my head to slowly slip away, so much so that it has become instinctual. So, when I'm aware and acting against it, it's brutal.
I began to question why I do this? Maybe I'm just a fair-weather friend, and I need to leave it at that. I'd like to think I'm more dedicated and committed than that though. And I'd like to not just leave it at that and often feels like I'm self-destructing.
I can't solve why this has happened for my whole life. But I began to slowly understand why it's happening now. Life changes, you graduate university and all the sudden there is no regimented schedule to follow, no one looking over your shoulder to make sure your grammar is correct and that you've signed up for the right classes. No turning down plans because you have to go to an awful class where you space out and day-dream about what would it be like to finally be out. My day-dreams are nothing like my reality. I like to be told what to do. I like to have a schedule. I like knowing that I'm working towards something, even if that's a piece of paper. I like having people above me to explain their expectations of me, and I like trying to live up to them. Even in my day-dreams of freedom, I was enslaved to plans, busyness, and authority. Now, I have nothing.
No plans, some busyness (but that's by choice), and very little authority. Even my parents told me last night that they would support me in my life decisions. There's something inside me that just wishes they would argue with what I want my life to look like, I want them to hate it and not support, so that I have a justification for not doing it.
After talking to my best friend yesterday about moving into Hamilton next year, and quite possibly an intential living community, I got scared. I knew that that would involve a lot of time, a lot of investment, a lot of my heart. Do I even have space?? I knew that I was going to have to give up things, things that I already have, in order to live this. I also knew the abundant life that I can have by doing this.
I hate change.
I thought for awhile I loved it, but I don't.
I'm a creature of habit.
I don't even like tasting new food.
I'm always trying to convince people to come to Hamilton with me. Mostly because I don't want change to happen. I want everyone to be around me. I want it to be easy to be in relationship with people. I think to some degree, this is the way life was intended. Even Jesus' life was an example of this. He was always surrounded by the people he most trusted. It always excites me to hear when people that I love are moving just down the road (literally, not like how I say Oakville is just down the road). But there's always something in the back of my mind. I remember talking to my friend who already lives there, he constantly reminds me that it can be a lonely place. Not because there aren't thousands of people around you, but more so, because the people you want to be experiencing it with aren't there. He told me that a lot of people would say they are definitely going to come and be with them, just after they accomplished other things. Those things have come and gone, and he looks around and sees no one. I fear this.
I'm scared of moving on. I'm scared that relationships I have right now are just seasons. I'm scared that in a few years, I will think about them and question what happened?
I retreat.
I fear rejection so much, that I choose to reject.
I fear change so much, that I choose to be the one changing.
The easy solution? Is to do just that, retreat, change, move on.
But for whatever reason, that solution does not satisfy me. Maybe it did in the past, but it doesn't anymore. I hate that I'm scared of trusting some of the best people I know, because I'm scared of them not being with me. The worst part is, I don't even know how to get over it.
I feel like live is a vicious cycle. A FUCKING vicious cyle.
I fear being replaced, but I'm the person that replaces.
I replace because it's easy. It's convinient to become close to the people that are in your daily life. It's hard to sacrifice time, energy, care, and even pain, into something that you don't see the daily fruits of, and quite likely not even the weekly or monthly fruits of that investment.
The word community when defined means people living in a specific location together. How does community exist then, when people are separated by geographics, by culture, by societies?
Are we supposed to go by this dictionary definition even? Or just re-define it ourselves?
I'm not sure of any of these answers...
I'm not sure how I can even begin to trust people, even if only for seasons.
I'm not sure how I can be okay with only seasonal friendships.
I'm not sure they even exist.
I'm just frustrated.
With myself mostly.
Maybe I just need people to demand my life. To demand my trust.
But maybe, that's expecting too much.
Friday, May 11, 2007
UGH--who invented relationships?
Today, I came into work and just felt the need to type away my thoughts.
I don't know where this is going to go, maybe no where, so I'm sorry if I waste your time.
I've been thinking a lot about relationships and why they can be so tough.
Tough, yet beautiful.
In talking to a good friend last night, who's been hurting from a break up, I recalled the hurt that I have felt and still feel in a relationship that I had last year.
He said something last night that hit me, and it is so simple. He said I am scared of her and of a friendship because I don't trust her, and I don't trust her because she hurt me.
I don't know why, but it became reality to me, that that is why I have such a hard time trusting people once they have hurt me. And further, a potential reason for why I fear being close to people.
As our conversation went on, I felt the need to validate him and allow him to know that healing is an individual process that has no markers of how successful the process is. I went out for lunch one day with another friend, and discussed my hurt feelings with my old church. He said to me, "Time heals all wounds". During that time, I didn't believe it. To an extent I don't think any of us really would during the time of heartache, hurt and regret, but looking back I have seen that time really does, at the very least, help in healing.
Our hearts are soooooooooooo strange.
and it becomes all the more difficult because no one has the same heart.
maybe that is beauty.
but then what is the definition of beauty?
If beauty can be a product of hurt and pain, then isn't beauty really ugly?
Isn't beauty really messy?
We always say that there is beauty in the brokenness. But brokenness is a state of pain, suffering, and hurt, and how is that beauty?
I guess my own answer to that is that it's a beauty that is out of this world.
Kind of like an alien type of beauty.
A beauty not able to be defined by anything on this earth. But a beauty that must be experienced.
A beauty we must BE, and not try to attain.
I am probably sounding like an existentialist, to an extent I think I probably.
I guess I'm just beginning to understand that beauty cannot (and should not) be defined by beauty of this world. Maybe we need a new word for it, or maybe I just need to stop putting connotations to the already existing word.
Point is, relationships are MESSED.
I'm soooo sick of trying to figure them out.
So I think for right now, I'll just be me.
I don't know where this is going to go, maybe no where, so I'm sorry if I waste your time.
I've been thinking a lot about relationships and why they can be so tough.
Tough, yet beautiful.
In talking to a good friend last night, who's been hurting from a break up, I recalled the hurt that I have felt and still feel in a relationship that I had last year.
He said something last night that hit me, and it is so simple. He said I am scared of her and of a friendship because I don't trust her, and I don't trust her because she hurt me.
I don't know why, but it became reality to me, that that is why I have such a hard time trusting people once they have hurt me. And further, a potential reason for why I fear being close to people.
As our conversation went on, I felt the need to validate him and allow him to know that healing is an individual process that has no markers of how successful the process is. I went out for lunch one day with another friend, and discussed my hurt feelings with my old church. He said to me, "Time heals all wounds". During that time, I didn't believe it. To an extent I don't think any of us really would during the time of heartache, hurt and regret, but looking back I have seen that time really does, at the very least, help in healing.
Our hearts are soooooooooooo strange.
and it becomes all the more difficult because no one has the same heart.
maybe that is beauty.
but then what is the definition of beauty?
If beauty can be a product of hurt and pain, then isn't beauty really ugly?
Isn't beauty really messy?
We always say that there is beauty in the brokenness. But brokenness is a state of pain, suffering, and hurt, and how is that beauty?
I guess my own answer to that is that it's a beauty that is out of this world.
Kind of like an alien type of beauty.
A beauty not able to be defined by anything on this earth. But a beauty that must be experienced.
A beauty we must BE, and not try to attain.
I am probably sounding like an existentialist, to an extent I think I probably.
I guess I'm just beginning to understand that beauty cannot (and should not) be defined by beauty of this world. Maybe we need a new word for it, or maybe I just need to stop putting connotations to the already existing word.
Point is, relationships are MESSED.
I'm soooo sick of trying to figure them out.
So I think for right now, I'll just be me.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
a recovering addict
Insecurities. Who created them? WHY do we have them?
I've realized over the last little while just how insecure I really really am.
It SUCKS.
When you surround yourself with so many people that are so much better at things than you are, even the little things, it's hard not to think of your inadequacies. I think for us all, well at least maybe me, inadequate feelings come easy. It's like a snap of the fingers and all the sudden my skin is not as comfortable as it was, I don't want to be in the room, I fear that I will make a mockery of myself. I fear weakness. I used to think one of my good friends was crazy because she feared failure so much that she would spend hours and hours studying. Crazy to me, and yet, I'm the same (maybe not in studying--as you can tell from my grammar and grades!), I fear weakness so much that it has begun to consume me and my thinking.
I don't know how to stop feeling the way I feel, I don't even really know why I feel it.
For me, it's the need to be needed. I enjoy helping, I enjoy knowing that someone needs me to do something for them. I enjoy being the first person to be asked. I find security in knowing that I'm someone's go-to person. I like being depended on. I like being the favourite. I like having a bunch of people around me who want to talk to ME. I like being able to tell stories and NAME DROP. I like when people tell me I'm good at something, even if I'm not.
Listen to this BULL SHIT. I keep going to type a sentence about how selfish I am and backspacing, because I KNOW that it's my insecurity, and I'm willing to justify it by that.
We all are, aren't we??
We allow ourselves to get off the hook, by justifying it away as an "insecurity".
I was reminded last night by a really good friend, he told me once that I needed to be more confident in my relationships and the people around me that I love, specifically in my friendship with him.
I started to question if confidence is what I need?
and if the answer to that is yes, how does one go about attaining a higher level of confidence?
A couple years ago, one of my good friends and I led our youth group. It was a small small church (hence, why they LET ME lead a group of formable minds!), I was AMANDA MARLOW, everyone knew me, everyone knew what I was good at, and everyone always needed those things. When a youth leader was needed, I was there. When a singer was needed, I was there. When a sunday school helper was needed, I was there. It was easy to be needed, it was easy to feel confident in my strengths, because I was one of the only people around who had them (not to sound cocky). Likewise, in my house with my family. I am AMANDA (sometimes I'm called other names of course!), I contribute by using my strengths and I am who I am. Without me, it wouldn't be the Marlow family, at least it wouldn't function the way it does. What makes this different though??
I think I've always been this insecure. I think now, I'm just starting to admit it, which is like reopening scars that have been part of me for a LONG time. It makes me weak. It makes me vulnerable. And more that that, it makes me SCARED.
I fear not being needed.
I fear not being around and being replaced.
I joke all the time with my good friends, not to replace me when I don't see them for awhile. But in reality, it's truth.
I'm most scared with my relationships with my small group and kids in the youth group. That if I leave, even for the summer months, they will find someone else. I know I know, there's no other Amanda, and you can tell me that again and again, but it doesn't help.
I don't really know what does help.
It also doesn't help knowing that that is an ineffective attitude for them. That in thinking those thoughts, I'm not looking out for their best interests, but instead, thinking of how I can maintain the level of comfortability and need that I have right now.
I keep saying, I just need to get over it. But how do you undo what you've believed for YEARS. It almost feels innate within me, if not innate, at least embedded so deep down it has become part of me.
Like an addiction. Yes there is freedom, but once you've realized your addiction, you can no longer be around it. How on earth, do I become free from my insecurites, have healthy, authentic, and genuine relationships and continue to walk away from my fears?
Is it even possible in this life? I don't know.
I just know that I hate hating. I hate feeling like a monster when some of my best friends are so good at things and I know I should be affirming. To be quite honest, I think sometimes I affirm by being fake. That is sick.
I talk about bringing value and worth to people. Yet, look at what I'm doing. I'm STRIPING people of their worth. And not to say they are valuable based on the talents and giftings they have, more so to say that I'm not willing to look past those things to the true nature of WHO they are.
I wish there was some 12-step program to train me to get over this. I wish that I could wipe my brain and heart and the hurts and pains away and begin again. I know that a response, and often my response, to that is that it already is wiped clean. But how and why do I still face this day in and day out?
Why is it that some days I'm great and on top of the world and yet one comment can snap back to the hell of inadequacies?
I feel like I keep rambling, and I'm sorry for that.
I guess just typing this out is one step towards recognition and further, healing.
Maybe it is through this, that I will begin to understand and see others as insecure people who need to be secured in my relationship with them, or maybe even more than that, the only way of repairing the brokenness caused by one insecurity, is to piece it together with someone else's brokenness from their insecurity. And maybe, that is how we gradually begin to become recovering addicts and experience freedom in it's truest form. Maybe that's the way to walk towards freedom...arm in arm with another addict, who sees you as beautiful and perfected and who you see as beautiful and perfected. That is perfection. And I believe that is attainable on this earth.
I've realized over the last little while just how insecure I really really am.
It SUCKS.
When you surround yourself with so many people that are so much better at things than you are, even the little things, it's hard not to think of your inadequacies. I think for us all, well at least maybe me, inadequate feelings come easy. It's like a snap of the fingers and all the sudden my skin is not as comfortable as it was, I don't want to be in the room, I fear that I will make a mockery of myself. I fear weakness. I used to think one of my good friends was crazy because she feared failure so much that she would spend hours and hours studying. Crazy to me, and yet, I'm the same (maybe not in studying--as you can tell from my grammar and grades!), I fear weakness so much that it has begun to consume me and my thinking.
I don't know how to stop feeling the way I feel, I don't even really know why I feel it.
For me, it's the need to be needed. I enjoy helping, I enjoy knowing that someone needs me to do something for them. I enjoy being the first person to be asked. I find security in knowing that I'm someone's go-to person. I like being depended on. I like being the favourite. I like having a bunch of people around me who want to talk to ME. I like being able to tell stories and NAME DROP. I like when people tell me I'm good at something, even if I'm not.
Listen to this BULL SHIT. I keep going to type a sentence about how selfish I am and backspacing, because I KNOW that it's my insecurity, and I'm willing to justify it by that.
We all are, aren't we??
We allow ourselves to get off the hook, by justifying it away as an "insecurity".
I was reminded last night by a really good friend, he told me once that I needed to be more confident in my relationships and the people around me that I love, specifically in my friendship with him.
I started to question if confidence is what I need?
and if the answer to that is yes, how does one go about attaining a higher level of confidence?
A couple years ago, one of my good friends and I led our youth group. It was a small small church (hence, why they LET ME lead a group of formable minds!), I was AMANDA MARLOW, everyone knew me, everyone knew what I was good at, and everyone always needed those things. When a youth leader was needed, I was there. When a singer was needed, I was there. When a sunday school helper was needed, I was there. It was easy to be needed, it was easy to feel confident in my strengths, because I was one of the only people around who had them (not to sound cocky). Likewise, in my house with my family. I am AMANDA (sometimes I'm called other names of course!), I contribute by using my strengths and I am who I am. Without me, it wouldn't be the Marlow family, at least it wouldn't function the way it does. What makes this different though??
I think I've always been this insecure. I think now, I'm just starting to admit it, which is like reopening scars that have been part of me for a LONG time. It makes me weak. It makes me vulnerable. And more that that, it makes me SCARED.
I fear not being needed.
I fear not being around and being replaced.
I joke all the time with my good friends, not to replace me when I don't see them for awhile. But in reality, it's truth.
I'm most scared with my relationships with my small group and kids in the youth group. That if I leave, even for the summer months, they will find someone else. I know I know, there's no other Amanda, and you can tell me that again and again, but it doesn't help.
I don't really know what does help.
It also doesn't help knowing that that is an ineffective attitude for them. That in thinking those thoughts, I'm not looking out for their best interests, but instead, thinking of how I can maintain the level of comfortability and need that I have right now.
I keep saying, I just need to get over it. But how do you undo what you've believed for YEARS. It almost feels innate within me, if not innate, at least embedded so deep down it has become part of me.
Like an addiction. Yes there is freedom, but once you've realized your addiction, you can no longer be around it. How on earth, do I become free from my insecurites, have healthy, authentic, and genuine relationships and continue to walk away from my fears?
Is it even possible in this life? I don't know.
I just know that I hate hating. I hate feeling like a monster when some of my best friends are so good at things and I know I should be affirming. To be quite honest, I think sometimes I affirm by being fake. That is sick.
I talk about bringing value and worth to people. Yet, look at what I'm doing. I'm STRIPING people of their worth. And not to say they are valuable based on the talents and giftings they have, more so to say that I'm not willing to look past those things to the true nature of WHO they are.
I wish there was some 12-step program to train me to get over this. I wish that I could wipe my brain and heart and the hurts and pains away and begin again. I know that a response, and often my response, to that is that it already is wiped clean. But how and why do I still face this day in and day out?
Why is it that some days I'm great and on top of the world and yet one comment can snap back to the hell of inadequacies?
I feel like I keep rambling, and I'm sorry for that.
I guess just typing this out is one step towards recognition and further, healing.
Maybe it is through this, that I will begin to understand and see others as insecure people who need to be secured in my relationship with them, or maybe even more than that, the only way of repairing the brokenness caused by one insecurity, is to piece it together with someone else's brokenness from their insecurity. And maybe, that is how we gradually begin to become recovering addicts and experience freedom in it's truest form. Maybe that's the way to walk towards freedom...arm in arm with another addict, who sees you as beautiful and perfected and who you see as beautiful and perfected. That is perfection. And I believe that is attainable on this earth.
Monday, May 7, 2007
Bells of Freedom--Bon Jovi
I have walked all aloneOn these streets, I call homeStreets of hope, streets of
fearThrough the sidewalk cracksTime dissapearsI was lost, on my kneesOn the eve of defeatAs I choked back the
tearsThere's a silent scream no-one could
hear
So far away from everything, you know it's trueSomething inside that makes you know what you've
got to do
Ring the bells, ring them loudLet them ring here and now
Just reach out and
ring the bells of freedom
When your world's crashing down like you've lost
every round
Stand your ground
And ring the bells of freedom
Up the
steps of the church
Through the fields in the dirt
In the dark I have
seen
That the sun still shines for the one who believed
So far away,
so full of doubt, you needed proof
Just close your eyes, and hear the sound
inside of you.
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