The last few days, I've gone to the mall.
Which, already, is my first issue.
I hate the mall.
I used to love shopping. I loved getting a new outfit, it actually made my week to be able to wear something new.
I don't know when it happened, but suddenly I entered the mall, and hated EVERY minute of being there.
I think mostly because it makes me feel like shit.
Not only, b/c I don't have the latest fashions, but also because I can't afford the latest fashions.
And if I'm being totally honest here, it goes further, to issues of self image. I feel ugly, fat and inadequate.
When I walk into a store and see manequins wearing the coolest outfit and try and emulate that, it NEVER looks the same on me.
I've always faced issues with being "fat". It never ever leaves my mind. I'm constantly sizing myself against the next person that walks by. I feel more comfortable in a crowd if there's someone who is bigger than me.
My friend told me she wants to start a clothing company called, "Truth", where the sizes are the ACTUAL sizes. Where an XS, doesn't just fit on my pinky, but can actually fit someone who should be wearing an XS.
I don't think there was a second in my mind yesterday at the mall, where I wasn't working out the next diet I was going to go on. Or, promise myself that it was going to be Thin-fast shakes from now on. Only so I can go into a store and be able to put on anything I want and look good in it.
THE WORST, is when you are in a change room and the lady comes around and asks if you need a different size. Even if the L didn't fit and I need to go to the XL, I REFUSE to tell her that. She's probably a size 1 maybe 2. In my mind, she'll see me as obese and think that I need to go on a diet of Thin-fast shakes.
It's the worst feeling in the world, to feel fat, and then further, to believe that the truth is you are FAT.
For me, I always assume that that's why boys don't like me. And the reason that I've never really been in a relationship. I know I know it's illogical thinking. But, it's my thinking.
It's gotten so bad that sometimes, when I see a couple and the girl is bigger, I'm ALWAYS surprised. But WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!
It's easy for people, especially my friends and family, to look at me and tell me I'm beautiful. And yes, to an extent that makes me feel a little better. But the feeling of beauty never lasts.
I've tried to tell myself that I'm pretty, I've tried to look in a mirror and say to myself "you're beautiful", but I've never believed it. I don't really know if I ever will.
It's so easy to see beauty in others, but not in ourselves.
I guess it's the messed up world we live in.
I wish I could change my thinking, I wish I could change what I value about myself.
I'm just not sure how.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
WARNING: 100% personal feelings reflected in this Blog
I want to know you,
I want to see your face,
I want to know you more.
I want to touch you, I want hear your voice.
I want to know you more.
I'm here to meet with You,
Come and meet with me.
I'm here to find You,
Reveal yourself to me.
Humbly You came to the earth you created,
All for love's sake became poor.
God be the Solution.
Be your hands, be your feet, to the least of these..
Woah, God be the Solution.
These are just a couple of songs that popped into my head the other night. Easy to sing, catchy tunes, so easy to stomp our feet, jump up and down, and even yell the words out to. Not so easy to actually do what they are saying. Or even, to simply think about what the ramifications are of us saying these things.
Maybe this is just my bitterness talking.
I like to sometimes treat my blog like therapy, so if it comes across that way, I apologize in advance. If you're not interested in a little bitterness, stop reading NOW.
When we sing, I want to know you, I want to see your face. Really, what does that mean??
I was on a retreat on the weekend, where this song was sung. I looked around, I saw hands raised, I saw earnest faces, eyes closed, some smiles, some concerned faces, some dancing, some standing incredibly still. As I looked around, I noticed a commonality, everyone was singing these words. Everyone was speaking these expressive and substantial words to God. I couldn't help but wonder what meaning that was to them.
To me, it means a lot to say something so huge to the God of the universe.
When we say, I want to know you.
When we sing, Come meet with me.
When we are acknowledging the life of Christ as one of humility and poverty.
How does that change us?
Maybe I'm off the ball a little here, but we call this worship.
And I speak solely for myself now, when I say that's fucked up worship, if we are going to continue defining it as that.
That is me singing to God, HUGE HUGE requests, HUGE HUGE "desires", and in the end what I would like to suggest are HUGE lies. Maybe I've gone a little too far in calling them lies. But I have made these phrases so easy to say that they have become meaningless.
You see, these phrases in these oversung songs all have some uniformity to them. They all have words of ACTION.
I don't mean ACTION in the sense that we need to be shooting up our arms, or closing our eyes to look more spiritual then the next person with their hands in their pockets. I mean ACTION. In the adventure, fearless, daring way.
When we suggest to God that we WANT to know him, we MUST be willing to go searching for him. He even says in Jeremiah, you will find me, when you SEEK ME.
Likewise, I'm here to meet with you, where are you?! I find that song the hardest to sing, mostly b/c I would be scared to meet God in the places I am. Why is that? Partly because I'm not really exposing myself to the places where Christ dwelled. If I am, minimally.
I guess what I'm getting at here, is that I need to be mindful of what I'm saying.
Also, to realize that words require action. At least to God they do.
I've come to a place where if I want to know God, I need to go where He is. The life of Jesus has given us a prime example of where he dwells. Amongst the lonely, forsaken and rejected.
I've also been thinking a lot about how these words affect community.
While, some would argue that they are simply words put to music and have little to no consequence on our behaviour, I would argue the exact opposite. When you sit down and disect a lot of "worship" songs, there can be so much meaning that we did not even think existed.
When we serve a God of action, when we sing words about how he came to the world and humbled himself becoming poor, it only leads me to conclude that that is what I am to become. So why do we sing it, walk away on a "high", and continue living our selfish lives?
And we continue to see that present, as bands like Hillsong are getting bigger and bigger. I just heard that they are coming to the Molson Ampitheatre. That's huge.
That's where Jack Johnson, Ben Harper, and Black Eyed Peas have gone. We've taken our praise songs to God and made them a performance. Not only that, but we've taken these things and consumerized them. I just would like to clarify another thing here, these attitudes are totally and 100% my feelings, I do not mean to disrespect Hillsong or other worship Cd bands or suggest that they are not as "christian" as I am. More so, to raise awareness that we really aren't living any sort of anti-cultural message by buying into this stuff. I am totally to blame too. The other day I went looking for Hillsong on iTunes to buy the song Solution. Mostly because when I heard it, it had a message about social justice. A message about how God needs to be the solution. A message of grace and hope, a message about being Christ's hands and feet to the least of these. It is rather empowering isn't it?
Yet, when we look at our world, it's not "christians" we see changing it, no, in fact it's the opposite. God is no longer the solution. As shitty as that is to say/type.
My biggest fear is that we will keep seeing these songs and making them as meaningless as they have already become. My fear is that we will keep buying $45 concert tickets to see people who are "praising" God. My fear is that we will continue singing about meeting Christ, and longing to see Him, but NEVER venture out to the places where He exists in HUMAN form. My fear is that we will continue to sing about how we long for a solution, and yet, NEVER EVER see the equation of that solution.
I'm sorry for this rant, but these are legitimate fears of mine, not only for the church, but also for me. I've begun to see these songs as words, as promises, as a contract to act. Without action, there will be no change.
I want to see your face,
I want to know you more.
I want to touch you, I want hear your voice.
I want to know you more.
I'm here to meet with You,
Come and meet with me.
I'm here to find You,
Reveal yourself to me.
Humbly You came to the earth you created,
All for love's sake became poor.
God be the Solution.
Be your hands, be your feet, to the least of these..
Woah, God be the Solution.
These are just a couple of songs that popped into my head the other night. Easy to sing, catchy tunes, so easy to stomp our feet, jump up and down, and even yell the words out to. Not so easy to actually do what they are saying. Or even, to simply think about what the ramifications are of us saying these things.
Maybe this is just my bitterness talking.
I like to sometimes treat my blog like therapy, so if it comes across that way, I apologize in advance. If you're not interested in a little bitterness, stop reading NOW.
When we sing, I want to know you, I want to see your face. Really, what does that mean??
I was on a retreat on the weekend, where this song was sung. I looked around, I saw hands raised, I saw earnest faces, eyes closed, some smiles, some concerned faces, some dancing, some standing incredibly still. As I looked around, I noticed a commonality, everyone was singing these words. Everyone was speaking these expressive and substantial words to God. I couldn't help but wonder what meaning that was to them.
To me, it means a lot to say something so huge to the God of the universe.
When we say, I want to know you.
When we sing, Come meet with me.
When we are acknowledging the life of Christ as one of humility and poverty.
How does that change us?
Maybe I'm off the ball a little here, but we call this worship.
And I speak solely for myself now, when I say that's fucked up worship, if we are going to continue defining it as that.
That is me singing to God, HUGE HUGE requests, HUGE HUGE "desires", and in the end what I would like to suggest are HUGE lies. Maybe I've gone a little too far in calling them lies. But I have made these phrases so easy to say that they have become meaningless.
You see, these phrases in these oversung songs all have some uniformity to them. They all have words of ACTION.
I don't mean ACTION in the sense that we need to be shooting up our arms, or closing our eyes to look more spiritual then the next person with their hands in their pockets. I mean ACTION. In the adventure, fearless, daring way.
When we suggest to God that we WANT to know him, we MUST be willing to go searching for him. He even says in Jeremiah, you will find me, when you SEEK ME.
Likewise, I'm here to meet with you, where are you?! I find that song the hardest to sing, mostly b/c I would be scared to meet God in the places I am. Why is that? Partly because I'm not really exposing myself to the places where Christ dwelled. If I am, minimally.
I guess what I'm getting at here, is that I need to be mindful of what I'm saying.
Also, to realize that words require action. At least to God they do.
I've come to a place where if I want to know God, I need to go where He is. The life of Jesus has given us a prime example of where he dwells. Amongst the lonely, forsaken and rejected.
I've also been thinking a lot about how these words affect community.
While, some would argue that they are simply words put to music and have little to no consequence on our behaviour, I would argue the exact opposite. When you sit down and disect a lot of "worship" songs, there can be so much meaning that we did not even think existed.
When we serve a God of action, when we sing words about how he came to the world and humbled himself becoming poor, it only leads me to conclude that that is what I am to become. So why do we sing it, walk away on a "high", and continue living our selfish lives?
And we continue to see that present, as bands like Hillsong are getting bigger and bigger. I just heard that they are coming to the Molson Ampitheatre. That's huge.
That's where Jack Johnson, Ben Harper, and Black Eyed Peas have gone. We've taken our praise songs to God and made them a performance. Not only that, but we've taken these things and consumerized them. I just would like to clarify another thing here, these attitudes are totally and 100% my feelings, I do not mean to disrespect Hillsong or other worship Cd bands or suggest that they are not as "christian" as I am. More so, to raise awareness that we really aren't living any sort of anti-cultural message by buying into this stuff. I am totally to blame too. The other day I went looking for Hillsong on iTunes to buy the song Solution. Mostly because when I heard it, it had a message about social justice. A message about how God needs to be the solution. A message of grace and hope, a message about being Christ's hands and feet to the least of these. It is rather empowering isn't it?
Yet, when we look at our world, it's not "christians" we see changing it, no, in fact it's the opposite. God is no longer the solution. As shitty as that is to say/type.
My biggest fear is that we will keep seeing these songs and making them as meaningless as they have already become. My fear is that we will keep buying $45 concert tickets to see people who are "praising" God. My fear is that we will continue singing about meeting Christ, and longing to see Him, but NEVER venture out to the places where He exists in HUMAN form. My fear is that we will continue to sing about how we long for a solution, and yet, NEVER EVER see the equation of that solution.
I'm sorry for this rant, but these are legitimate fears of mine, not only for the church, but also for me. I've begun to see these songs as words, as promises, as a contract to act. Without action, there will be no change.
Monday, May 14, 2007
No NAME
I was thinking the other day, why do I act like I do?
There's no good reason for it.
I get close and then I retreat.
I was thinking about all the relationships I've had. That I can be so close to someone one year, and the next year, not really know what's going on with them.
That thought really scares me.
Why do I do that?
Don't get me wrong, I do have relationships, and important relationships that have lasted a long time. What makes those last and others not?
My mom used to always tell me that sometimes there's seasons of friendships. While, I agree with my mom, it's still hard to know when it's a season and when it will last.
Recently, it's been rough. It's an inner battle within myself to not retreat. It is like ingrained in my head to slowly slip away, so much so that it has become instinctual. So, when I'm aware and acting against it, it's brutal.
I began to question why I do this? Maybe I'm just a fair-weather friend, and I need to leave it at that. I'd like to think I'm more dedicated and committed than that though. And I'd like to not just leave it at that and often feels like I'm self-destructing.
I can't solve why this has happened for my whole life. But I began to slowly understand why it's happening now. Life changes, you graduate university and all the sudden there is no regimented schedule to follow, no one looking over your shoulder to make sure your grammar is correct and that you've signed up for the right classes. No turning down plans because you have to go to an awful class where you space out and day-dream about what would it be like to finally be out. My day-dreams are nothing like my reality. I like to be told what to do. I like to have a schedule. I like knowing that I'm working towards something, even if that's a piece of paper. I like having people above me to explain their expectations of me, and I like trying to live up to them. Even in my day-dreams of freedom, I was enslaved to plans, busyness, and authority. Now, I have nothing.
No plans, some busyness (but that's by choice), and very little authority. Even my parents told me last night that they would support me in my life decisions. There's something inside me that just wishes they would argue with what I want my life to look like, I want them to hate it and not support, so that I have a justification for not doing it.
After talking to my best friend yesterday about moving into Hamilton next year, and quite possibly an intential living community, I got scared. I knew that that would involve a lot of time, a lot of investment, a lot of my heart. Do I even have space?? I knew that I was going to have to give up things, things that I already have, in order to live this. I also knew the abundant life that I can have by doing this.
I hate change.
I thought for awhile I loved it, but I don't.
I'm a creature of habit.
I don't even like tasting new food.
I'm always trying to convince people to come to Hamilton with me. Mostly because I don't want change to happen. I want everyone to be around me. I want it to be easy to be in relationship with people. I think to some degree, this is the way life was intended. Even Jesus' life was an example of this. He was always surrounded by the people he most trusted. It always excites me to hear when people that I love are moving just down the road (literally, not like how I say Oakville is just down the road). But there's always something in the back of my mind. I remember talking to my friend who already lives there, he constantly reminds me that it can be a lonely place. Not because there aren't thousands of people around you, but more so, because the people you want to be experiencing it with aren't there. He told me that a lot of people would say they are definitely going to come and be with them, just after they accomplished other things. Those things have come and gone, and he looks around and sees no one. I fear this.
I'm scared of moving on. I'm scared that relationships I have right now are just seasons. I'm scared that in a few years, I will think about them and question what happened?
I retreat.
I fear rejection so much, that I choose to reject.
I fear change so much, that I choose to be the one changing.
The easy solution? Is to do just that, retreat, change, move on.
But for whatever reason, that solution does not satisfy me. Maybe it did in the past, but it doesn't anymore. I hate that I'm scared of trusting some of the best people I know, because I'm scared of them not being with me. The worst part is, I don't even know how to get over it.
I feel like live is a vicious cycle. A FUCKING vicious cyle.
I fear being replaced, but I'm the person that replaces.
I replace because it's easy. It's convinient to become close to the people that are in your daily life. It's hard to sacrifice time, energy, care, and even pain, into something that you don't see the daily fruits of, and quite likely not even the weekly or monthly fruits of that investment.
The word community when defined means people living in a specific location together. How does community exist then, when people are separated by geographics, by culture, by societies?
Are we supposed to go by this dictionary definition even? Or just re-define it ourselves?
I'm not sure of any of these answers...
I'm not sure how I can even begin to trust people, even if only for seasons.
I'm not sure how I can be okay with only seasonal friendships.
I'm not sure they even exist.
I'm just frustrated.
With myself mostly.
Maybe I just need people to demand my life. To demand my trust.
But maybe, that's expecting too much.
There's no good reason for it.
I get close and then I retreat.
I was thinking about all the relationships I've had. That I can be so close to someone one year, and the next year, not really know what's going on with them.
That thought really scares me.
Why do I do that?
Don't get me wrong, I do have relationships, and important relationships that have lasted a long time. What makes those last and others not?
My mom used to always tell me that sometimes there's seasons of friendships. While, I agree with my mom, it's still hard to know when it's a season and when it will last.
Recently, it's been rough. It's an inner battle within myself to not retreat. It is like ingrained in my head to slowly slip away, so much so that it has become instinctual. So, when I'm aware and acting against it, it's brutal.
I began to question why I do this? Maybe I'm just a fair-weather friend, and I need to leave it at that. I'd like to think I'm more dedicated and committed than that though. And I'd like to not just leave it at that and often feels like I'm self-destructing.
I can't solve why this has happened for my whole life. But I began to slowly understand why it's happening now. Life changes, you graduate university and all the sudden there is no regimented schedule to follow, no one looking over your shoulder to make sure your grammar is correct and that you've signed up for the right classes. No turning down plans because you have to go to an awful class where you space out and day-dream about what would it be like to finally be out. My day-dreams are nothing like my reality. I like to be told what to do. I like to have a schedule. I like knowing that I'm working towards something, even if that's a piece of paper. I like having people above me to explain their expectations of me, and I like trying to live up to them. Even in my day-dreams of freedom, I was enslaved to plans, busyness, and authority. Now, I have nothing.
No plans, some busyness (but that's by choice), and very little authority. Even my parents told me last night that they would support me in my life decisions. There's something inside me that just wishes they would argue with what I want my life to look like, I want them to hate it and not support, so that I have a justification for not doing it.
After talking to my best friend yesterday about moving into Hamilton next year, and quite possibly an intential living community, I got scared. I knew that that would involve a lot of time, a lot of investment, a lot of my heart. Do I even have space?? I knew that I was going to have to give up things, things that I already have, in order to live this. I also knew the abundant life that I can have by doing this.
I hate change.
I thought for awhile I loved it, but I don't.
I'm a creature of habit.
I don't even like tasting new food.
I'm always trying to convince people to come to Hamilton with me. Mostly because I don't want change to happen. I want everyone to be around me. I want it to be easy to be in relationship with people. I think to some degree, this is the way life was intended. Even Jesus' life was an example of this. He was always surrounded by the people he most trusted. It always excites me to hear when people that I love are moving just down the road (literally, not like how I say Oakville is just down the road). But there's always something in the back of my mind. I remember talking to my friend who already lives there, he constantly reminds me that it can be a lonely place. Not because there aren't thousands of people around you, but more so, because the people you want to be experiencing it with aren't there. He told me that a lot of people would say they are definitely going to come and be with them, just after they accomplished other things. Those things have come and gone, and he looks around and sees no one. I fear this.
I'm scared of moving on. I'm scared that relationships I have right now are just seasons. I'm scared that in a few years, I will think about them and question what happened?
I retreat.
I fear rejection so much, that I choose to reject.
I fear change so much, that I choose to be the one changing.
The easy solution? Is to do just that, retreat, change, move on.
But for whatever reason, that solution does not satisfy me. Maybe it did in the past, but it doesn't anymore. I hate that I'm scared of trusting some of the best people I know, because I'm scared of them not being with me. The worst part is, I don't even know how to get over it.
I feel like live is a vicious cycle. A FUCKING vicious cyle.
I fear being replaced, but I'm the person that replaces.
I replace because it's easy. It's convinient to become close to the people that are in your daily life. It's hard to sacrifice time, energy, care, and even pain, into something that you don't see the daily fruits of, and quite likely not even the weekly or monthly fruits of that investment.
The word community when defined means people living in a specific location together. How does community exist then, when people are separated by geographics, by culture, by societies?
Are we supposed to go by this dictionary definition even? Or just re-define it ourselves?
I'm not sure of any of these answers...
I'm not sure how I can even begin to trust people, even if only for seasons.
I'm not sure how I can be okay with only seasonal friendships.
I'm not sure they even exist.
I'm just frustrated.
With myself mostly.
Maybe I just need people to demand my life. To demand my trust.
But maybe, that's expecting too much.
Friday, May 11, 2007
UGH--who invented relationships?
Today, I came into work and just felt the need to type away my thoughts.
I don't know where this is going to go, maybe no where, so I'm sorry if I waste your time.
I've been thinking a lot about relationships and why they can be so tough.
Tough, yet beautiful.
In talking to a good friend last night, who's been hurting from a break up, I recalled the hurt that I have felt and still feel in a relationship that I had last year.
He said something last night that hit me, and it is so simple. He said I am scared of her and of a friendship because I don't trust her, and I don't trust her because she hurt me.
I don't know why, but it became reality to me, that that is why I have such a hard time trusting people once they have hurt me. And further, a potential reason for why I fear being close to people.
As our conversation went on, I felt the need to validate him and allow him to know that healing is an individual process that has no markers of how successful the process is. I went out for lunch one day with another friend, and discussed my hurt feelings with my old church. He said to me, "Time heals all wounds". During that time, I didn't believe it. To an extent I don't think any of us really would during the time of heartache, hurt and regret, but looking back I have seen that time really does, at the very least, help in healing.
Our hearts are soooooooooooo strange.
and it becomes all the more difficult because no one has the same heart.
maybe that is beauty.
but then what is the definition of beauty?
If beauty can be a product of hurt and pain, then isn't beauty really ugly?
Isn't beauty really messy?
We always say that there is beauty in the brokenness. But brokenness is a state of pain, suffering, and hurt, and how is that beauty?
I guess my own answer to that is that it's a beauty that is out of this world.
Kind of like an alien type of beauty.
A beauty not able to be defined by anything on this earth. But a beauty that must be experienced.
A beauty we must BE, and not try to attain.
I am probably sounding like an existentialist, to an extent I think I probably.
I guess I'm just beginning to understand that beauty cannot (and should not) be defined by beauty of this world. Maybe we need a new word for it, or maybe I just need to stop putting connotations to the already existing word.
Point is, relationships are MESSED.
I'm soooo sick of trying to figure them out.
So I think for right now, I'll just be me.
I don't know where this is going to go, maybe no where, so I'm sorry if I waste your time.
I've been thinking a lot about relationships and why they can be so tough.
Tough, yet beautiful.
In talking to a good friend last night, who's been hurting from a break up, I recalled the hurt that I have felt and still feel in a relationship that I had last year.
He said something last night that hit me, and it is so simple. He said I am scared of her and of a friendship because I don't trust her, and I don't trust her because she hurt me.
I don't know why, but it became reality to me, that that is why I have such a hard time trusting people once they have hurt me. And further, a potential reason for why I fear being close to people.
As our conversation went on, I felt the need to validate him and allow him to know that healing is an individual process that has no markers of how successful the process is. I went out for lunch one day with another friend, and discussed my hurt feelings with my old church. He said to me, "Time heals all wounds". During that time, I didn't believe it. To an extent I don't think any of us really would during the time of heartache, hurt and regret, but looking back I have seen that time really does, at the very least, help in healing.
Our hearts are soooooooooooo strange.
and it becomes all the more difficult because no one has the same heart.
maybe that is beauty.
but then what is the definition of beauty?
If beauty can be a product of hurt and pain, then isn't beauty really ugly?
Isn't beauty really messy?
We always say that there is beauty in the brokenness. But brokenness is a state of pain, suffering, and hurt, and how is that beauty?
I guess my own answer to that is that it's a beauty that is out of this world.
Kind of like an alien type of beauty.
A beauty not able to be defined by anything on this earth. But a beauty that must be experienced.
A beauty we must BE, and not try to attain.
I am probably sounding like an existentialist, to an extent I think I probably.
I guess I'm just beginning to understand that beauty cannot (and should not) be defined by beauty of this world. Maybe we need a new word for it, or maybe I just need to stop putting connotations to the already existing word.
Point is, relationships are MESSED.
I'm soooo sick of trying to figure them out.
So I think for right now, I'll just be me.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
a recovering addict
Insecurities. Who created them? WHY do we have them?
I've realized over the last little while just how insecure I really really am.
It SUCKS.
When you surround yourself with so many people that are so much better at things than you are, even the little things, it's hard not to think of your inadequacies. I think for us all, well at least maybe me, inadequate feelings come easy. It's like a snap of the fingers and all the sudden my skin is not as comfortable as it was, I don't want to be in the room, I fear that I will make a mockery of myself. I fear weakness. I used to think one of my good friends was crazy because she feared failure so much that she would spend hours and hours studying. Crazy to me, and yet, I'm the same (maybe not in studying--as you can tell from my grammar and grades!), I fear weakness so much that it has begun to consume me and my thinking.
I don't know how to stop feeling the way I feel, I don't even really know why I feel it.
For me, it's the need to be needed. I enjoy helping, I enjoy knowing that someone needs me to do something for them. I enjoy being the first person to be asked. I find security in knowing that I'm someone's go-to person. I like being depended on. I like being the favourite. I like having a bunch of people around me who want to talk to ME. I like being able to tell stories and NAME DROP. I like when people tell me I'm good at something, even if I'm not.
Listen to this BULL SHIT. I keep going to type a sentence about how selfish I am and backspacing, because I KNOW that it's my insecurity, and I'm willing to justify it by that.
We all are, aren't we??
We allow ourselves to get off the hook, by justifying it away as an "insecurity".
I was reminded last night by a really good friend, he told me once that I needed to be more confident in my relationships and the people around me that I love, specifically in my friendship with him.
I started to question if confidence is what I need?
and if the answer to that is yes, how does one go about attaining a higher level of confidence?
A couple years ago, one of my good friends and I led our youth group. It was a small small church (hence, why they LET ME lead a group of formable minds!), I was AMANDA MARLOW, everyone knew me, everyone knew what I was good at, and everyone always needed those things. When a youth leader was needed, I was there. When a singer was needed, I was there. When a sunday school helper was needed, I was there. It was easy to be needed, it was easy to feel confident in my strengths, because I was one of the only people around who had them (not to sound cocky). Likewise, in my house with my family. I am AMANDA (sometimes I'm called other names of course!), I contribute by using my strengths and I am who I am. Without me, it wouldn't be the Marlow family, at least it wouldn't function the way it does. What makes this different though??
I think I've always been this insecure. I think now, I'm just starting to admit it, which is like reopening scars that have been part of me for a LONG time. It makes me weak. It makes me vulnerable. And more that that, it makes me SCARED.
I fear not being needed.
I fear not being around and being replaced.
I joke all the time with my good friends, not to replace me when I don't see them for awhile. But in reality, it's truth.
I'm most scared with my relationships with my small group and kids in the youth group. That if I leave, even for the summer months, they will find someone else. I know I know, there's no other Amanda, and you can tell me that again and again, but it doesn't help.
I don't really know what does help.
It also doesn't help knowing that that is an ineffective attitude for them. That in thinking those thoughts, I'm not looking out for their best interests, but instead, thinking of how I can maintain the level of comfortability and need that I have right now.
I keep saying, I just need to get over it. But how do you undo what you've believed for YEARS. It almost feels innate within me, if not innate, at least embedded so deep down it has become part of me.
Like an addiction. Yes there is freedom, but once you've realized your addiction, you can no longer be around it. How on earth, do I become free from my insecurites, have healthy, authentic, and genuine relationships and continue to walk away from my fears?
Is it even possible in this life? I don't know.
I just know that I hate hating. I hate feeling like a monster when some of my best friends are so good at things and I know I should be affirming. To be quite honest, I think sometimes I affirm by being fake. That is sick.
I talk about bringing value and worth to people. Yet, look at what I'm doing. I'm STRIPING people of their worth. And not to say they are valuable based on the talents and giftings they have, more so to say that I'm not willing to look past those things to the true nature of WHO they are.
I wish there was some 12-step program to train me to get over this. I wish that I could wipe my brain and heart and the hurts and pains away and begin again. I know that a response, and often my response, to that is that it already is wiped clean. But how and why do I still face this day in and day out?
Why is it that some days I'm great and on top of the world and yet one comment can snap back to the hell of inadequacies?
I feel like I keep rambling, and I'm sorry for that.
I guess just typing this out is one step towards recognition and further, healing.
Maybe it is through this, that I will begin to understand and see others as insecure people who need to be secured in my relationship with them, or maybe even more than that, the only way of repairing the brokenness caused by one insecurity, is to piece it together with someone else's brokenness from their insecurity. And maybe, that is how we gradually begin to become recovering addicts and experience freedom in it's truest form. Maybe that's the way to walk towards freedom...arm in arm with another addict, who sees you as beautiful and perfected and who you see as beautiful and perfected. That is perfection. And I believe that is attainable on this earth.
I've realized over the last little while just how insecure I really really am.
It SUCKS.
When you surround yourself with so many people that are so much better at things than you are, even the little things, it's hard not to think of your inadequacies. I think for us all, well at least maybe me, inadequate feelings come easy. It's like a snap of the fingers and all the sudden my skin is not as comfortable as it was, I don't want to be in the room, I fear that I will make a mockery of myself. I fear weakness. I used to think one of my good friends was crazy because she feared failure so much that she would spend hours and hours studying. Crazy to me, and yet, I'm the same (maybe not in studying--as you can tell from my grammar and grades!), I fear weakness so much that it has begun to consume me and my thinking.
I don't know how to stop feeling the way I feel, I don't even really know why I feel it.
For me, it's the need to be needed. I enjoy helping, I enjoy knowing that someone needs me to do something for them. I enjoy being the first person to be asked. I find security in knowing that I'm someone's go-to person. I like being depended on. I like being the favourite. I like having a bunch of people around me who want to talk to ME. I like being able to tell stories and NAME DROP. I like when people tell me I'm good at something, even if I'm not.
Listen to this BULL SHIT. I keep going to type a sentence about how selfish I am and backspacing, because I KNOW that it's my insecurity, and I'm willing to justify it by that.
We all are, aren't we??
We allow ourselves to get off the hook, by justifying it away as an "insecurity".
I was reminded last night by a really good friend, he told me once that I needed to be more confident in my relationships and the people around me that I love, specifically in my friendship with him.
I started to question if confidence is what I need?
and if the answer to that is yes, how does one go about attaining a higher level of confidence?
A couple years ago, one of my good friends and I led our youth group. It was a small small church (hence, why they LET ME lead a group of formable minds!), I was AMANDA MARLOW, everyone knew me, everyone knew what I was good at, and everyone always needed those things. When a youth leader was needed, I was there. When a singer was needed, I was there. When a sunday school helper was needed, I was there. It was easy to be needed, it was easy to feel confident in my strengths, because I was one of the only people around who had them (not to sound cocky). Likewise, in my house with my family. I am AMANDA (sometimes I'm called other names of course!), I contribute by using my strengths and I am who I am. Without me, it wouldn't be the Marlow family, at least it wouldn't function the way it does. What makes this different though??
I think I've always been this insecure. I think now, I'm just starting to admit it, which is like reopening scars that have been part of me for a LONG time. It makes me weak. It makes me vulnerable. And more that that, it makes me SCARED.
I fear not being needed.
I fear not being around and being replaced.
I joke all the time with my good friends, not to replace me when I don't see them for awhile. But in reality, it's truth.
I'm most scared with my relationships with my small group and kids in the youth group. That if I leave, even for the summer months, they will find someone else. I know I know, there's no other Amanda, and you can tell me that again and again, but it doesn't help.
I don't really know what does help.
It also doesn't help knowing that that is an ineffective attitude for them. That in thinking those thoughts, I'm not looking out for their best interests, but instead, thinking of how I can maintain the level of comfortability and need that I have right now.
I keep saying, I just need to get over it. But how do you undo what you've believed for YEARS. It almost feels innate within me, if not innate, at least embedded so deep down it has become part of me.
Like an addiction. Yes there is freedom, but once you've realized your addiction, you can no longer be around it. How on earth, do I become free from my insecurites, have healthy, authentic, and genuine relationships and continue to walk away from my fears?
Is it even possible in this life? I don't know.
I just know that I hate hating. I hate feeling like a monster when some of my best friends are so good at things and I know I should be affirming. To be quite honest, I think sometimes I affirm by being fake. That is sick.
I talk about bringing value and worth to people. Yet, look at what I'm doing. I'm STRIPING people of their worth. And not to say they are valuable based on the talents and giftings they have, more so to say that I'm not willing to look past those things to the true nature of WHO they are.
I wish there was some 12-step program to train me to get over this. I wish that I could wipe my brain and heart and the hurts and pains away and begin again. I know that a response, and often my response, to that is that it already is wiped clean. But how and why do I still face this day in and day out?
Why is it that some days I'm great and on top of the world and yet one comment can snap back to the hell of inadequacies?
I feel like I keep rambling, and I'm sorry for that.
I guess just typing this out is one step towards recognition and further, healing.
Maybe it is through this, that I will begin to understand and see others as insecure people who need to be secured in my relationship with them, or maybe even more than that, the only way of repairing the brokenness caused by one insecurity, is to piece it together with someone else's brokenness from their insecurity. And maybe, that is how we gradually begin to become recovering addicts and experience freedom in it's truest form. Maybe that's the way to walk towards freedom...arm in arm with another addict, who sees you as beautiful and perfected and who you see as beautiful and perfected. That is perfection. And I believe that is attainable on this earth.
Monday, May 7, 2007
Bells of Freedom--Bon Jovi
I have walked all aloneOn these streets, I call homeStreets of hope, streets of
fearThrough the sidewalk cracksTime dissapearsI was lost, on my kneesOn the eve of defeatAs I choked back the
tearsThere's a silent scream no-one could
hear
So far away from everything, you know it's trueSomething inside that makes you know what you've
got to do
Ring the bells, ring them loudLet them ring here and now
Just reach out and
ring the bells of freedom
When your world's crashing down like you've lost
every round
Stand your ground
And ring the bells of freedom
Up the
steps of the church
Through the fields in the dirt
In the dark I have
seen
That the sun still shines for the one who believed
So far away,
so full of doubt, you needed proof
Just close your eyes, and hear the sound
inside of you.
Ring the Bells
I was driving home last night thinking about being a "christian". I had just "heard" (I wasn't paying attention as much as I should've been--whatever that really means?) a sermon that morning on being a disciple of Christ. Mostly that we need to intentially be sharing the message of grace and hope, that we need to embrace suffering, etc. I get it. I mean, my head gets it, and I'd like to think my heart does too, but I'm not so sure.
I found myself so frustrated.
Frustrated that I couldn't listen and maybe more so, frustrated that I WOULDN'T listen. I think for the most part, I'm just frustrated, and tired.
It's been a long time since I've felt this way, uneasy, discontent, and pain. I think what frustrates me most is that I don't know where these feelings have come from. There are so many words that went through my mind that I'm soooo sick of hearing, the "christian lingo" so to speak, such as the word CALL.
What the hell does that mean?
I was "called" to be here.
I don't feel "called" to do that.
I guess maybe I haven't been someone who was "called" to do anything, or maybe I was simply "called" to do everything.
I can remember, sitting on the step of the dining hall with Jill. I remember being so upset because I couldn't figure out my "calling" in life. I couldn't figure out why God was so evidently "calling" others and not me. Was I missing something? Was I not valuable or worthy enough to hear the hand cupped around the mouth, booming voice of God? (*note sarcasm in that sentence). I remember Jill looking at me and saying, "we are ALL called for the same purpose and reason... that is to love." She went on to say that it doesn't matter what you do in life, you could clean toilets, sit at a reception desk and write blogs, or even become the CEO of a company, it really doesn't matter, because in the end, if there is no love, there is no purpose, and inevitably, there is no calling.
I think my frustration also showed me that we as christ-followers need to be very sensitive and careful in our vocabulary, specifically when talking about our relationship with our Christ. I think for me, I was so upset, not because I didn't feel "called" to a specific life or decision, etc, but because I thought so many others had. I can still remember one girl coming and telling me that she felt "called" to "minister" by making shit loads of money in becoming a lawyer in a divorce court. Don't get me wrong, maybe that's the direction she wanted to go, maybe it's the direction she was in fact "called" to. I think that we live in a fucked up fantasy world if we think that in order to have a purpose, in order to attain or achieve anything, we need to be "called" to it. Maybe I missed the boat, maybe I didn't get the post-it not on my door when I woke up so many mornings ago, maybe I don't read into "signs from God" enough to know that what I'm thinking of doing is right or wrong depending on if the stop light turns red on the count of 5 or if it stays green.
As I slowly became more and more frustrated, which in turn switched to anger, I started BLARING Jon Bon Jovi. There is this song on his newest album called Bells of Freedom. It's a rather empowering song. The one line that caught me was:
"Just reach out and ring the bells of freedom. When your world's crashing down like you've lost every round, Stand your ground, And ring the bells of freedom"
If there is such "calling" in one's life, it is to be FREE.
We are created in the image of Christ, we are PERFECT children saved only in his sincere and unconditional grace. Because of this, we have been given a brain and a heart for a reason. To embark upon our own adventures of love. I feel like this sounds as cliche as the word "call", but in reality, isn't that truth?
I need to reach out and ring the bells of freedom. That is the life of me, whether that be through cleaning toilets or continuing to write blogs, bored and tired out of my mind at this reception desk, maybe you live in a life of callings...and you might just be right in that, I hope that I'm not trying to justify the life I live in saying that I don't necessarily believe in "callings" the way I see and understand them. I believe in one calling, if you can even define it as that, I believe we are required and asked to love. We are invited to find freedom, cling to it, and share it. Freedom is a beautiful word, filled with so much hope, inspiration, and love. That is the life I want.
I found myself so frustrated.
Frustrated that I couldn't listen and maybe more so, frustrated that I WOULDN'T listen. I think for the most part, I'm just frustrated, and tired.
It's been a long time since I've felt this way, uneasy, discontent, and pain. I think what frustrates me most is that I don't know where these feelings have come from. There are so many words that went through my mind that I'm soooo sick of hearing, the "christian lingo" so to speak, such as the word CALL.
What the hell does that mean?
I was "called" to be here.
I don't feel "called" to do that.
I guess maybe I haven't been someone who was "called" to do anything, or maybe I was simply "called" to do everything.
I can remember, sitting on the step of the dining hall with Jill. I remember being so upset because I couldn't figure out my "calling" in life. I couldn't figure out why God was so evidently "calling" others and not me. Was I missing something? Was I not valuable or worthy enough to hear the hand cupped around the mouth, booming voice of God? (*note sarcasm in that sentence). I remember Jill looking at me and saying, "we are ALL called for the same purpose and reason... that is to love." She went on to say that it doesn't matter what you do in life, you could clean toilets, sit at a reception desk and write blogs, or even become the CEO of a company, it really doesn't matter, because in the end, if there is no love, there is no purpose, and inevitably, there is no calling.
I think my frustration also showed me that we as christ-followers need to be very sensitive and careful in our vocabulary, specifically when talking about our relationship with our Christ. I think for me, I was so upset, not because I didn't feel "called" to a specific life or decision, etc, but because I thought so many others had. I can still remember one girl coming and telling me that she felt "called" to "minister" by making shit loads of money in becoming a lawyer in a divorce court. Don't get me wrong, maybe that's the direction she wanted to go, maybe it's the direction she was in fact "called" to. I think that we live in a fucked up fantasy world if we think that in order to have a purpose, in order to attain or achieve anything, we need to be "called" to it. Maybe I missed the boat, maybe I didn't get the post-it not on my door when I woke up so many mornings ago, maybe I don't read into "signs from God" enough to know that what I'm thinking of doing is right or wrong depending on if the stop light turns red on the count of 5 or if it stays green.
As I slowly became more and more frustrated, which in turn switched to anger, I started BLARING Jon Bon Jovi. There is this song on his newest album called Bells of Freedom. It's a rather empowering song. The one line that caught me was:
"Just reach out and ring the bells of freedom. When your world's crashing down like you've lost every round, Stand your ground, And ring the bells of freedom"
If there is such "calling" in one's life, it is to be FREE.
We are created in the image of Christ, we are PERFECT children saved only in his sincere and unconditional grace. Because of this, we have been given a brain and a heart for a reason. To embark upon our own adventures of love. I feel like this sounds as cliche as the word "call", but in reality, isn't that truth?
I need to reach out and ring the bells of freedom. That is the life of me, whether that be through cleaning toilets or continuing to write blogs, bored and tired out of my mind at this reception desk, maybe you live in a life of callings...and you might just be right in that, I hope that I'm not trying to justify the life I live in saying that I don't necessarily believe in "callings" the way I see and understand them. I believe in one calling, if you can even define it as that, I believe we are required and asked to love. We are invited to find freedom, cling to it, and share it. Freedom is a beautiful word, filled with so much hope, inspiration, and love. That is the life I want.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Maybe?
I've been stressed the last few days.
Over things that I really shouldn't worry about.
Tonight was a good reminder of what really matters.
I was driving and heard Bon Jovi, Welcome to Wherever You Are, my love song.
I listened intently to the words and was consistently reminded that we need to be present.
We need to take life moment by moment.
We need to understand that we are golden children.
We are people in need of grace and people that ARE grace.
We exist to be the image of Christ.
We exist to show and extend grace to everyone around us.
Whatever's meant to be will out perfectly.
I need to understand what that sentence means.
For me, right now, it means giving up. It means literally falling to a point of no return. It means crashing and burning. It means finding beauty in that.
How?
I don't know.
I think that's what stresses me out most.
There's no right answer. There's no easy solution.
There's nothing.
Silence?
Maybe. My brain shuts off when I try and think of possible solutions.
I fear it.
I fear what might be thought if I continue thinking. I fear what might have to be done if my brain thinks any further.
Fear.
Interesting.
Fear is the root of all problems.
Maybe not, but maybe?
I fear people loving me, because ultimately, I fear rejection.
I fear adventure, because ultimately, I fear the unknown.
I fear taking the risk, because ultimately, I fear being let down.
My life is run by the fear of the next moment, the fear of being lost in past mistakes, and the fear of the future risks.
I don't know where I'm going here. My brain just seems to be running a mile and minute. Maybe, just maybe, that's a good thing.
and maybe, just maybe, you'll be my next risk.
Over things that I really shouldn't worry about.
Tonight was a good reminder of what really matters.
I was driving and heard Bon Jovi, Welcome to Wherever You Are, my love song.
I listened intently to the words and was consistently reminded that we need to be present.
We need to take life moment by moment.
We need to understand that we are golden children.
We are people in need of grace and people that ARE grace.
We exist to be the image of Christ.
We exist to show and extend grace to everyone around us.
Whatever's meant to be will out perfectly.
I need to understand what that sentence means.
For me, right now, it means giving up. It means literally falling to a point of no return. It means crashing and burning. It means finding beauty in that.
How?
I don't know.
I think that's what stresses me out most.
There's no right answer. There's no easy solution.
There's nothing.
Silence?
Maybe. My brain shuts off when I try and think of possible solutions.
I fear it.
I fear what might be thought if I continue thinking. I fear what might have to be done if my brain thinks any further.
Fear.
Interesting.
Fear is the root of all problems.
Maybe not, but maybe?
I fear people loving me, because ultimately, I fear rejection.
I fear adventure, because ultimately, I fear the unknown.
I fear taking the risk, because ultimately, I fear being let down.
My life is run by the fear of the next moment, the fear of being lost in past mistakes, and the fear of the future risks.
I don't know where I'm going here. My brain just seems to be running a mile and minute. Maybe, just maybe, that's a good thing.
and maybe, just maybe, you'll be my next risk.
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