Red Carpet

Wow, it's been quite sometime since I've sat down to write on here.
A lot has happened.
My trip to NC was incredible. I became obsessed with collecting shells. It was also so fun to spend an entire week with 4 incredible people in my life, just us, the ocean and some beautiful musical stylings of Pat and Chris Martin. I'll probably write more about my trip later. Since I've come back, my life has been a whirlwind. I found that after spending so much time just being, spending time with people that care about me, and vice versa, and having many MANY meaningful conversations, it was so hard to return to the reality of a busy life.
Since, I've been thinking a lot about the choices I've made, the choices I'm going to be making, and my increased amount of stress and fear around all of these decisions.
I'll try and be as coherent as possible as I continue to type but I apologize in advance if this blog doesn't make sense. In many ways, it's a reflection of what my brain/heart looks like right now. Just a moment ago I realized how truly beautiful that confusion is.
As already mentioned in a previous blog, my critical view of "worship" music has begun to evolve. I went to a free starfield concert last night. It was great to watch some of my favourite people google in awe at their musical heroes. Even though, in my mind, I couldn't help but think that they are so much better then the people on stage. I looked around this decked out church. On every light fixture a wooden cross was found. The bathroom, had beautiful marble counters with fresh flowers in the vase. During the "concert", which the lead singer kept referring to as "church", my eyes kept darting around at the variety of "visually pleasing aesthetics". I began to wonder, is this place where Jesus would spend his time?
As I watched words like "All for you, I'm letting go"; " I want to be a revolution" (which my friend pointed out, isn't even right, a revolution implies way more than just one person, he quickly changed it to "we") flash across the screen, I began wondering what goes through God's mind when He's watching, and even further, I wondered if God felt invited into this "worship". Please don't read this wrong. I believe that there are sincere and authentic hearts singing these beautiful words and poems to the God that they serve and love, and I do believe that God sees that as beautiful and pleasing to Him. But further, I think He thinks that our version of "worship" is a little warped. When such inspiring, authentic, broken and real words are combined with flashy lights, smoke machines, and red carpet, I can't help but think that this "party" isn't one that Jesus would've partaken in.
I was thinking out loud last with a friend, that Jesus' feet were not feet to walk upon red carpet, but instead where feet that walked in the dirt, in the mud, in utter shit sometimes. Even though these are just feet, I think something can be learned from this opposition of ground. Red carpet signifies comfort, complecancy, and indifference. The mud, dirt and shit, signfies struggle, reality, adventure, and LOVE.
I thought to myself, particularly as I prepare myself to graduate university, get a job and begin life, that I have come to a fork in the road. I can continue on the red carpet (it is my fav colour after all), I can continue being comfortable, I can continue justifying my actions, my speech, my purchases, my life away. OR (man, I LOVE that word--- OR). I can take the risk, and begin walking on the dirt path. In my mind, and even biblically, this path is not well groomed, well kept, or well walked. Which leads me to believe all the more, that this is the path for me.
It's a scary thought, it's scary because it's one of those few times in life that you have to step on your own, and yes, many many other feet might meet up with you to join on that dirt path. But inevitably, it's up to ME. Inevitably, I might be a lone walker.
I've also been doing a lot of thinking about risk and relationships. Over the past few months there have been a couple of relationships in my life that have constantly challenged me and spurred me on towards taking the risk. It's interesting because I've never wanted to take this risk before. Having met these people (some of them have been around for a bit and just recently our relationship has become real and authentic), it makes me, in the words of Jack Nicholson from As Good As Its Gets, want to be a better person.
Risk...such a scary word.
The other day I was talking to one of my friends about risking a friendship for something more. While, this is a topic all on it's own, it really made me realize that ideally in any relationship, romantic or not, we would be willing to risk it for the other person. We'd be willing to risk security, comfort and safety for the people we desire to care about, love, and protect. Crazy eh?!
As for the risking friendship for something more, I don't know. I realize in many situations it must be done. I was talking to another good friend, who reminded me to find my freedom in being content with where I am, who I am, and more importantly WHO I'm WITH (not in a romantic, marriage-type relationship). For me, right now, I'm willing to risk. At this very moment, I'm willing to to step out and hope that maybe, if not even right now, you'll step out with me. I reminded myself today, that I have to be okay if I do end up flying solo, but I'm going to go out on a limb (go out on a risk, you could say), and believe that I'm not going to be alone.
This confusion and frustration of where life can go, where it should go, it's stressful, it's worrysome, and all the while, it's WELL worth it.
You are worth it to me.
You have shown me that I'm worth it to you.
And that, I am so thankful for.

Size LARGE

The last few days, I've gone to the mall.
Which, already, is my first issue.
I hate the mall.
I used to love shopping. I loved getting a new outfit, it actually made my week to be able to wear something new.
I don't know when it happened, but suddenly I entered the mall, and hated EVERY minute of being there.
I think mostly because it makes me feel like shit.
Not only, b/c I don't have the latest fashions, but also because I can't afford the latest fashions.
And if I'm being totally honest here, it goes further, to issues of self image. I feel ugly, fat and inadequate.
When I walk into a store and see manequins wearing the coolest outfit and try and emulate that, it NEVER looks the same on me.
I've always faced issues with being "fat". It never ever leaves my mind. I'm constantly sizing myself against the next person that walks by. I feel more comfortable in a crowd if there's someone who is bigger than me.
My friend told me she wants to start a clothing company called, "Truth", where the sizes are the ACTUAL sizes. Where an XS, doesn't just fit on my pinky, but can actually fit someone who should be wearing an XS.
I don't think there was a second in my mind yesterday at the mall, where I wasn't working out the next diet I was going to go on. Or, promise myself that it was going to be Thin-fast shakes from now on. Only so I can go into a store and be able to put on anything I want and look good in it.
THE WORST, is when you are in a change room and the lady comes around and asks if you need a different size. Even if the L didn't fit and I need to go to the XL, I REFUSE to tell her that. She's probably a size 1 maybe 2. In my mind, she'll see me as obese and think that I need to go on a diet of Thin-fast shakes.
It's the worst feeling in the world, to feel fat, and then further, to believe that the truth is you are FAT.
For me, I always assume that that's why boys don't like me. And the reason that I've never really been in a relationship. I know I know it's illogical thinking. But, it's my thinking.
It's gotten so bad that sometimes, when I see a couple and the girl is bigger, I'm ALWAYS surprised. But WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!
It's easy for people, especially my friends and family, to look at me and tell me I'm beautiful. And yes, to an extent that makes me feel a little better. But the feeling of beauty never lasts.
I've tried to tell myself that I'm pretty, I've tried to look in a mirror and say to myself "you're beautiful", but I've never believed it. I don't really know if I ever will.
It's so easy to see beauty in others, but not in ourselves.
I guess it's the messed up world we live in.
I wish I could change my thinking, I wish I could change what I value about myself.
I'm just not sure how.

WARNING: 100% personal feelings reflected in this Blog

I want to know you,
I want to see your face,
I want to know you more.
I want to touch you, I want hear your voice.
I want to know you more.

I'm here to meet with You,
Come and meet with me.
I'm here to find You,
Reveal yourself to me.

Humbly You came to the earth you created,
All for love's sake became poor.

God be the Solution.
Be your hands, be your feet, to the least of these..
Woah, God be the Solution.


These are just a couple of songs that popped into my head the other night. Easy to sing, catchy tunes, so easy to stomp our feet, jump up and down, and even yell the words out to. Not so easy to actually do what they are saying. Or even, to simply think about what the ramifications are of us saying these things.
Maybe this is just my bitterness talking.
I like to sometimes treat my blog like therapy, so if it comes across that way, I apologize in advance. If you're not interested in a little bitterness, stop reading NOW.

When we sing, I want to know you, I want to see your face. Really, what does that mean??
I was on a retreat on the weekend, where this song was sung. I looked around, I saw hands raised, I saw earnest faces, eyes closed, some smiles, some concerned faces, some dancing, some standing incredibly still. As I looked around, I noticed a commonality, everyone was singing these words. Everyone was speaking these expressive and substantial words to God. I couldn't help but wonder what meaning that was to them.
To me, it means a lot to say something so huge to the God of the universe.
When we say, I want to know you.
When we sing, Come meet with me.
When we are acknowledging the life of Christ as one of humility and poverty.
How does that change us?
Maybe I'm off the ball a little here, but we call this worship.
And I speak solely for myself now, when I say that's fucked up worship, if we are going to continue defining it as that.
That is me singing to God, HUGE HUGE requests, HUGE HUGE "desires", and in the end what I would like to suggest are HUGE lies. Maybe I've gone a little too far in calling them lies. But I have made these phrases so easy to say that they have become meaningless.
You see, these phrases in these oversung songs all have some uniformity to them. They all have words of ACTION.
I don't mean ACTION in the sense that we need to be shooting up our arms, or closing our eyes to look more spiritual then the next person with their hands in their pockets. I mean ACTION. In the adventure, fearless, daring way.
When we suggest to God that we WANT to know him, we MUST be willing to go searching for him. He even says in Jeremiah, you will find me, when you SEEK ME.
Likewise, I'm here to meet with you, where are you?! I find that song the hardest to sing, mostly b/c I would be scared to meet God in the places I am. Why is that? Partly because I'm not really exposing myself to the places where Christ dwelled. If I am, minimally.
I guess what I'm getting at here, is that I need to be mindful of what I'm saying.
Also, to realize that words require action. At least to God they do.
I've come to a place where if I want to know God, I need to go where He is. The life of Jesus has given us a prime example of where he dwells. Amongst the lonely, forsaken and rejected.
I've also been thinking a lot about how these words affect community.
While, some would argue that they are simply words put to music and have little to no consequence on our behaviour, I would argue the exact opposite. When you sit down and disect a lot of "worship" songs, there can be so much meaning that we did not even think existed.
When we serve a God of action, when we sing words about how he came to the world and humbled himself becoming poor, it only leads me to conclude that that is what I am to become. So why do we sing it, walk away on a "high", and continue living our selfish lives?
And we continue to see that present, as bands like Hillsong are getting bigger and bigger. I just heard that they are coming to the Molson Ampitheatre. That's huge.
That's where Jack Johnson, Ben Harper, and Black Eyed Peas have gone. We've taken our praise songs to God and made them a performance. Not only that, but we've taken these things and consumerized them. I just would like to clarify another thing here, these attitudes are totally and 100% my feelings, I do not mean to disrespect Hillsong or other worship Cd bands or suggest that they are not as "christian" as I am. More so, to raise awareness that we really aren't living any sort of anti-cultural message by buying into this stuff. I am totally to blame too. The other day I went looking for Hillsong on iTunes to buy the song Solution. Mostly because when I heard it, it had a message about social justice. A message about how God needs to be the solution. A message of grace and hope, a message about being Christ's hands and feet to the least of these. It is rather empowering isn't it?
Yet, when we look at our world, it's not "christians" we see changing it, no, in fact it's the opposite. God is no longer the solution. As shitty as that is to say/type.
My biggest fear is that we will keep seeing these songs and making them as meaningless as they have already become. My fear is that we will keep buying $45 concert tickets to see people who are "praising" God. My fear is that we will continue singing about meeting Christ, and longing to see Him, but NEVER venture out to the places where He exists in HUMAN form. My fear is that we will continue to sing about how we long for a solution, and yet, NEVER EVER see the equation of that solution.
I'm sorry for this rant, but these are legitimate fears of mine, not only for the church, but also for me. I've begun to see these songs as words, as promises, as a contract to act. Without action, there will be no change.

No NAME

I was thinking the other day, why do I act like I do?
There's no good reason for it.
I get close and then I retreat.
I was thinking about all the relationships I've had. That I can be so close to someone one year, and the next year, not really know what's going on with them.
That thought really scares me.
Why do I do that?
Don't get me wrong, I do have relationships, and important relationships that have lasted a long time. What makes those last and others not?
My mom used to always tell me that sometimes there's seasons of friendships. While, I agree with my mom, it's still hard to know when it's a season and when it will last.
Recently, it's been rough. It's an inner battle within myself to not retreat. It is like ingrained in my head to slowly slip away, so much so that it has become instinctual. So, when I'm aware and acting against it, it's brutal.
I began to question why I do this? Maybe I'm just a fair-weather friend, and I need to leave it at that. I'd like to think I'm more dedicated and committed than that though. And I'd like to not just leave it at that and often feels like I'm self-destructing.
I can't solve why this has happened for my whole life. But I began to slowly understand why it's happening now. Life changes, you graduate university and all the sudden there is no regimented schedule to follow, no one looking over your shoulder to make sure your grammar is correct and that you've signed up for the right classes. No turning down plans because you have to go to an awful class where you space out and day-dream about what would it be like to finally be out. My day-dreams are nothing like my reality. I like to be told what to do. I like to have a schedule. I like knowing that I'm working towards something, even if that's a piece of paper. I like having people above me to explain their expectations of me, and I like trying to live up to them. Even in my day-dreams of freedom, I was enslaved to plans, busyness, and authority. Now, I have nothing.
No plans, some busyness (but that's by choice), and very little authority. Even my parents told me last night that they would support me in my life decisions. There's something inside me that just wishes they would argue with what I want my life to look like, I want them to hate it and not support, so that I have a justification for not doing it.
After talking to my best friend yesterday about moving into Hamilton next year, and quite possibly an intential living community, I got scared. I knew that that would involve a lot of time, a lot of investment, a lot of my heart. Do I even have space?? I knew that I was going to have to give up things, things that I already have, in order to live this. I also knew the abundant life that I can have by doing this.
I hate change.
I thought for awhile I loved it, but I don't.
I'm a creature of habit.
I don't even like tasting new food.
I'm always trying to convince people to come to Hamilton with me. Mostly because I don't want change to happen. I want everyone to be around me. I want it to be easy to be in relationship with people. I think to some degree, this is the way life was intended. Even Jesus' life was an example of this. He was always surrounded by the people he most trusted. It always excites me to hear when people that I love are moving just down the road (literally, not like how I say Oakville is just down the road). But there's always something in the back of my mind. I remember talking to my friend who already lives there, he constantly reminds me that it can be a lonely place. Not because there aren't thousands of people around you, but more so, because the people you want to be experiencing it with aren't there. He told me that a lot of people would say they are definitely going to come and be with them, just after they accomplished other things. Those things have come and gone, and he looks around and sees no one. I fear this.
I'm scared of moving on. I'm scared that relationships I have right now are just seasons. I'm scared that in a few years, I will think about them and question what happened?
I retreat.
I fear rejection so much, that I choose to reject.
I fear change so much, that I choose to be the one changing.
The easy solution? Is to do just that, retreat, change, move on.
But for whatever reason, that solution does not satisfy me. Maybe it did in the past, but it doesn't anymore. I hate that I'm scared of trusting some of the best people I know, because I'm scared of them not being with me. The worst part is, I don't even know how to get over it.
I feel like live is a vicious cycle. A FUCKING vicious cyle.
I fear being replaced, but I'm the person that replaces.
I replace because it's easy. It's convinient to become close to the people that are in your daily life. It's hard to sacrifice time, energy, care, and even pain, into something that you don't see the daily fruits of, and quite likely not even the weekly or monthly fruits of that investment.
The word community when defined means people living in a specific location together. How does community exist then, when people are separated by geographics, by culture, by societies?
Are we supposed to go by this dictionary definition even? Or just re-define it ourselves?
I'm not sure of any of these answers...
I'm not sure how I can even begin to trust people, even if only for seasons.
I'm not sure how I can be okay with only seasonal friendships.
I'm not sure they even exist.
I'm just frustrated.
With myself mostly.
Maybe I just need people to demand my life. To demand my trust.
But maybe, that's expecting too much.

UGH--who invented relationships?

Today, I came into work and just felt the need to type away my thoughts.
I don't know where this is going to go, maybe no where, so I'm sorry if I waste your time.
I've been thinking a lot about relationships and why they can be so tough.
Tough, yet beautiful.
In talking to a good friend last night, who's been hurting from a break up, I recalled the hurt that I have felt and still feel in a relationship that I had last year.
He said something last night that hit me, and it is so simple. He said I am scared of her and of a friendship because I don't trust her, and I don't trust her because she hurt me.
I don't know why, but it became reality to me, that that is why I have such a hard time trusting people once they have hurt me. And further, a potential reason for why I fear being close to people.
As our conversation went on, I felt the need to validate him and allow him to know that healing is an individual process that has no markers of how successful the process is. I went out for lunch one day with another friend, and discussed my hurt feelings with my old church. He said to me, "Time heals all wounds". During that time, I didn't believe it. To an extent I don't think any of us really would during the time of heartache, hurt and regret, but looking back I have seen that time really does, at the very least, help in healing.
Our hearts are soooooooooooo strange.
and it becomes all the more difficult because no one has the same heart.
maybe that is beauty.
but then what is the definition of beauty?
If beauty can be a product of hurt and pain, then isn't beauty really ugly?
Isn't beauty really messy?
We always say that there is beauty in the brokenness. But brokenness is a state of pain, suffering, and hurt, and how is that beauty?
I guess my own answer to that is that it's a beauty that is out of this world.
Kind of like an alien type of beauty.
A beauty not able to be defined by anything on this earth. But a beauty that must be experienced.
A beauty we must BE, and not try to attain.
I am probably sounding like an existentialist, to an extent I think I probably.
I guess I'm just beginning to understand that beauty cannot (and should not) be defined by beauty of this world. Maybe we need a new word for it, or maybe I just need to stop putting connotations to the already existing word.
Point is, relationships are MESSED.
I'm soooo sick of trying to figure them out.
So I think for right now, I'll just be me.

a recovering addict

Insecurities. Who created them? WHY do we have them?
I've realized over the last little while just how insecure I really really am.
It SUCKS.
When you surround yourself with so many people that are so much better at things than you are, even the little things, it's hard not to think of your inadequacies. I think for us all, well at least maybe me, inadequate feelings come easy. It's like a snap of the fingers and all the sudden my skin is not as comfortable as it was, I don't want to be in the room, I fear that I will make a mockery of myself. I fear weakness. I used to think one of my good friends was crazy because she feared failure so much that she would spend hours and hours studying. Crazy to me, and yet, I'm the same (maybe not in studying--as you can tell from my grammar and grades!), I fear weakness so much that it has begun to consume me and my thinking.
I don't know how to stop feeling the way I feel, I don't even really know why I feel it.
For me, it's the need to be needed. I enjoy helping, I enjoy knowing that someone needs me to do something for them. I enjoy being the first person to be asked. I find security in knowing that I'm someone's go-to person. I like being depended on. I like being the favourite. I like having a bunch of people around me who want to talk to ME. I like being able to tell stories and NAME DROP. I like when people tell me I'm good at something, even if I'm not.
Listen to this BULL SHIT. I keep going to type a sentence about how selfish I am and backspacing, because I KNOW that it's my insecurity, and I'm willing to justify it by that.
We all are, aren't we??
We allow ourselves to get off the hook, by justifying it away as an "insecurity".
I was reminded last night by a really good friend, he told me once that I needed to be more confident in my relationships and the people around me that I love, specifically in my friendship with him.
I started to question if confidence is what I need?
and if the answer to that is yes, how does one go about attaining a higher level of confidence?
A couple years ago, one of my good friends and I led our youth group. It was a small small church (hence, why they LET ME lead a group of formable minds!), I was AMANDA MARLOW, everyone knew me, everyone knew what I was good at, and everyone always needed those things. When a youth leader was needed, I was there. When a singer was needed, I was there. When a sunday school helper was needed, I was there. It was easy to be needed, it was easy to feel confident in my strengths, because I was one of the only people around who had them (not to sound cocky). Likewise, in my house with my family. I am AMANDA (sometimes I'm called other names of course!), I contribute by using my strengths and I am who I am. Without me, it wouldn't be the Marlow family, at least it wouldn't function the way it does. What makes this different though??
I think I've always been this insecure. I think now, I'm just starting to admit it, which is like reopening scars that have been part of me for a LONG time. It makes me weak. It makes me vulnerable. And more that that, it makes me SCARED.
I fear not being needed.
I fear not being around and being replaced.
I joke all the time with my good friends, not to replace me when I don't see them for awhile. But in reality, it's truth.
I'm most scared with my relationships with my small group and kids in the youth group. That if I leave, even for the summer months, they will find someone else. I know I know, there's no other Amanda, and you can tell me that again and again, but it doesn't help.
I don't really know what does help.
It also doesn't help knowing that that is an ineffective attitude for them. That in thinking those thoughts, I'm not looking out for their best interests, but instead, thinking of how I can maintain the level of comfortability and need that I have right now.
I keep saying, I just need to get over it. But how do you undo what you've believed for YEARS. It almost feels innate within me, if not innate, at least embedded so deep down it has become part of me.
Like an addiction. Yes there is freedom, but once you've realized your addiction, you can no longer be around it. How on earth, do I become free from my insecurites, have healthy, authentic, and genuine relationships and continue to walk away from my fears?
Is it even possible in this life? I don't know.
I just know that I hate hating. I hate feeling like a monster when some of my best friends are so good at things and I know I should be affirming. To be quite honest, I think sometimes I affirm by being fake. That is sick.
I talk about bringing value and worth to people. Yet, look at what I'm doing. I'm STRIPING people of their worth. And not to say they are valuable based on the talents and giftings they have, more so to say that I'm not willing to look past those things to the true nature of WHO they are.
I wish there was some 12-step program to train me to get over this. I wish that I could wipe my brain and heart and the hurts and pains away and begin again. I know that a response, and often my response, to that is that it already is wiped clean. But how and why do I still face this day in and day out?
Why is it that some days I'm great and on top of the world and yet one comment can snap back to the hell of inadequacies?
I feel like I keep rambling, and I'm sorry for that.
I guess just typing this out is one step towards recognition and further, healing.
Maybe it is through this, that I will begin to understand and see others as insecure people who need to be secured in my relationship with them, or maybe even more than that, the only way of repairing the brokenness caused by one insecurity, is to piece it together with someone else's brokenness from their insecurity. And maybe, that is how we gradually begin to become recovering addicts and experience freedom in it's truest form. Maybe that's the way to walk towards freedom...arm in arm with another addict, who sees you as beautiful and perfected and who you see as beautiful and perfected. That is perfection. And I believe that is attainable on this earth.

Bells of Freedom--Bon Jovi

I have walked all alone

On these streets, I call home

Streets of hope, streets of
fear

Through the sidewalk cracks

Time dissapears

I was lost, on my knees

On the eve of defeat

As I choked back the
tears

There's a silent scream no-one could
hear

So far away from everything, you know it's true

Something inside that makes you know what you've
got to do

Ring the bells, ring them loud

Let them ring here and now
Just reach out and
ring the bells of freedom
When your world's crashing down like you've lost
every round
Stand your ground
And ring the bells of freedom

Up the
steps of the church
Through the fields in the dirt
In the dark I have
seen
That the sun still shines for the one who believed

So far away,
so full of doubt, you needed proof
Just close your eyes, and hear the sound
inside of you.

Ring the Bells

I was driving home last night thinking about being a "christian". I had just "heard" (I wasn't paying attention as much as I should've been--whatever that really means?) a sermon that morning on being a disciple of Christ. Mostly that we need to intentially be sharing the message of grace and hope, that we need to embrace suffering, etc. I get it. I mean, my head gets it, and I'd like to think my heart does too, but I'm not so sure.
I found myself so frustrated.
Frustrated that I couldn't listen and maybe more so, frustrated that I WOULDN'T listen. I think for the most part, I'm just frustrated, and tired.
It's been a long time since I've felt this way, uneasy, discontent, and pain. I think what frustrates me most is that I don't know where these feelings have come from. There are so many words that went through my mind that I'm soooo sick of hearing, the "christian lingo" so to speak, such as the word CALL.
What the hell does that mean?
I was "called" to be here.
I don't feel "called" to do that.
I guess maybe I haven't been someone who was "called" to do anything, or maybe I was simply "called" to do everything.
I can remember, sitting on the step of the dining hall with Jill. I remember being so upset because I couldn't figure out my "calling" in life. I couldn't figure out why God was so evidently "calling" others and not me. Was I missing something? Was I not valuable or worthy enough to hear the hand cupped around the mouth, booming voice of God? (*note sarcasm in that sentence). I remember Jill looking at me and saying, "we are ALL called for the same purpose and reason... that is to love." She went on to say that it doesn't matter what you do in life, you could clean toilets, sit at a reception desk and write blogs, or even become the CEO of a company, it really doesn't matter, because in the end, if there is no love, there is no purpose, and inevitably, there is no calling.
I think my frustration also showed me that we as christ-followers need to be very sensitive and careful in our vocabulary, specifically when talking about our relationship with our Christ. I think for me, I was so upset, not because I didn't feel "called" to a specific life or decision, etc, but because I thought so many others had. I can still remember one girl coming and telling me that she felt "called" to "minister" by making shit loads of money in becoming a lawyer in a divorce court. Don't get me wrong, maybe that's the direction she wanted to go, maybe it's the direction she was in fact "called" to. I think that we live in a fucked up fantasy world if we think that in order to have a purpose, in order to attain or achieve anything, we need to be "called" to it. Maybe I missed the boat, maybe I didn't get the post-it not on my door when I woke up so many mornings ago, maybe I don't read into "signs from God" enough to know that what I'm thinking of doing is right or wrong depending on if the stop light turns red on the count of 5 or if it stays green.
As I slowly became more and more frustrated, which in turn switched to anger, I started BLARING Jon Bon Jovi. There is this song on his newest album called Bells of Freedom. It's a rather empowering song. The one line that caught me was:

"Just reach out and ring the bells of freedom. When your world's crashing down like you've lost every round, Stand your ground, And ring the bells of freedom"

If there is such "calling" in one's life, it is to be FREE.
We are created in the image of Christ, we are PERFECT children saved only in his sincere and unconditional grace. Because of this, we have been given a brain and a heart for a reason. To embark upon our own adventures of love. I feel like this sounds as cliche as the word "call", but in reality, isn't that truth?
I need to reach out and ring the bells of freedom. That is the life of me, whether that be through cleaning toilets or continuing to write blogs, bored and tired out of my mind at this reception desk, maybe you live in a life of callings...and you might just be right in that, I hope that I'm not trying to justify the life I live in saying that I don't necessarily believe in "callings" the way I see and understand them. I believe in one calling, if you can even define it as that, I believe we are required and asked to love. We are invited to find freedom, cling to it, and share it. Freedom is a beautiful word, filled with so much hope, inspiration, and love. That is the life I want.

Maybe?

I've been stressed the last few days.
Over things that I really shouldn't worry about.
Tonight was a good reminder of what really matters.
I was driving and heard Bon Jovi, Welcome to Wherever You Are, my love song.
I listened intently to the words and was consistently reminded that we need to be present.
We need to take life moment by moment.
We need to understand that we are golden children.
We are people in need of grace and people that ARE grace.
We exist to be the image of Christ.
We exist to show and extend grace to everyone around us.
Whatever's meant to be will out perfectly.
I need to understand what that sentence means.
For me, right now, it means giving up. It means literally falling to a point of no return. It means crashing and burning. It means finding beauty in that.
How?
I don't know.
I think that's what stresses me out most.
There's no right answer. There's no easy solution.
There's nothing.
Silence?
Maybe. My brain shuts off when I try and think of possible solutions.
I fear it.
I fear what might be thought if I continue thinking. I fear what might have to be done if my brain thinks any further.
Fear.
Interesting.
Fear is the root of all problems.
Maybe not, but maybe?
I fear people loving me, because ultimately, I fear rejection.
I fear adventure, because ultimately, I fear the unknown.
I fear taking the risk, because ultimately, I fear being let down.
My life is run by the fear of the next moment, the fear of being lost in past mistakes, and the fear of the future risks.
I don't know where I'm going here. My brain just seems to be running a mile and minute. Maybe, just maybe, that's a good thing.
and maybe, just maybe, you'll be my next risk.

BE WITH ME

After a weekend of ulitmate joy and pain, I am beginning to see what real relationship looks like.
It's crazy to me that someone would feel the need to spend large amounts of money on lighting, technology, music, furniture, whatever really, in order to gain the approval of many. Let me tell you, I've learned that all it takes is a minimum of 2 bodies, a place to sit (even a dirty floor) and the willingness to BE WITH the person or people around you.
I think in our fast-paced world, we often feel the need for entertainment, the need to prove that what you have is worth more than the next person they might walk by. In a world that is consistently sending messages to us through all different kinds of senses and tactics, I begin to question if that is how we should really be seeing our relationships, and further, our future relationships?
You see, when I think about the times that have impacted me the most, it is not when bright lights were flashing around on a stage, it is not about hearing someone speak into a microphone, it is certainly not about watching TV or a movie. Instead, the moments, the precious precious moments that I treasure, are the times when simplicity was at its best. Sitting on the floor with two best friends discussing our lives and the struggles we all have till 2AM. Cuddling on a couple mattresses, surrounded by blankets and the arms of people who love me. It is about group hugs outside my car late at night, looking up and seeing the stars, and then looking down and seeing the stars personified. Yes, these are the times in life that mean the absolute most to me and will remain as vivid and impressionable memories forever.
People around us do not desire our money, our materials, possessions, or treasures, they do not desire entertainment, or the next best video game (sorry I had to throw that in). In reality, people desire other people. It is how we were made to live, it is how our hearts were formed. We live in a lonely lonely world that is full of the need to be captivated by the 'WOW' factor. My bad, we do not NEED to be captivated by it, on the contrary, we NEED to be captivated by the beauty that surrounds us in people.
This weekend, was rough.
I hate change, I hate saying goodbye, and I hate missing people. All of which took place. Friday, I spent the night with 5 close friends, it was our last night together and in their house, we like to call ourselves The Ovaries. It was a great night, how could it not be great?? We laughed, we cried, we sang, we played cards, we drank red wine, and we played STEAM ROLLER! It truly was one of the best nights of my life. I thought about it later, what made it so great?? We spent the ENTIRE night in one little room, filled with a couple mattresses and blankets. Likewise, on Saturday night, a couple of my small group girls came over to sleepover. We sat in my basement all night, on one air mattress (there were 5 of us), candy, and some quality cuddling. One last example, yesterday, after lunch with the family we went down by the lake, I spent a couple minutes sitting and watching some of the fam skip stones in the water. It was overwhelming how content and happy everyone was, and I was.
It was a weekend of simply being WITH the people that I love. How simple eh?! Why do we choose to make it so complicated, I will never know. But I'm sooo thankful for the constant reminders of what it means to love someone, what it means to be WOWed by someONE. We need to WOW people with our love, grace, and willingness to BE WITH them.
I've just been going on and on, but I guess I've just really seen the need to be present with the people you are surrounded by. Not wishing for anything or anyone else, but who you are with.
It can be scary, it is not only setting yourself up for potential rejection, but it's also allowing vulnerability to take place, with the hope that the person longs to be with you too. Be WOWed by the people surrounding you, by their hearts, by their captivating beauty. I'm not going to go into the speech about living simply, but in reality, I think the longing of our heart to be present with people and to belong to people, is evidence of our longing to simply be us, nothing holding us, nothing clinging to us, but just to sit on a dirty floor and share lives, to lie in a bed of cuddling and reminice over memories while laughing and crying, to spend time with people who are inspirational, doing nothing but laughing and eating candy, we experience love in raw form. Love the way it was meant to be.

Vests and Value

Over the last few days, through conversations, reading, and observing, I have began to see that so many of us give cheap worth and value to people. Specifically, as someone who classifies themselves as a "christian", I have begun to realize that sometimes, we have things a little backwards (and by little, I mean A LOT).
I've been extremely frustrated in my life recently. I know where I want to be and yet, I don't have the capacity or ability to be there yet. For a time, I thought that because I wasn't living the life that I know I need to, that I had no authority in talking about it. Mostly I'm talking about living amongst the forsaken, seeking out love and grace, and learning through interdependent living. It is hard for someone who comes from a middle-upper class, white, suburbia town and family, to speak of caring and loving for the poor, and to go further and challenge that we move our asses down there and be with them, many would see my life as hypocritical, at least in my view they would. I think a large part of me is fearful of what that live could be like and demand from me. I want to love, show compassion and grace, I really do, but I think I want to do it on my own terms. When you make a decision to move to a place of rejection, of abandonment, of forsakenness, and pain, you are making a decision to severely MESS UP your life. For right now, it is so easy to go, give my time, love, pour a cup of coffee, sit and listen to someone for an hour, but once 2 o'clock hits, I'm out. I can return back to the life of comfort, of no worries (really), besides what I need to make myself for lunch from my abundant fridge. It's crazy how fast you can switch back from a life of rawness, to a life emersed in filth, materialism, and superficial happiness. I've also realized how easy band-aid fixes are. For example, around Christmas time, I went through all my clothing and gave up a lot of stuff I had. I kept thinking of the quote from Dorthy Day, "if you have two coats, you've stolen one from the poor", and let me tell you, I had a number of coats. The hardest thing for me to do was give up all my vests (the puffy things that make you warm but so cool at the same time...or so I thought). I had approximately 5, meaning I was stealing from 4 other people. I don't say this to sound self-righteous, because in reality it's the exact opposite. I was so twisted in my thinking, I thought that in doing this, something miraculous would happen and I would be LIVING THE LIFE...maybe I was, maybe I still am, who knows. Point of the story is, for a short time I felt necessary, I felt like I was contributing to a cause much more than who I am. And don't get me wrong, I think there is a need and a place for these actions to occur, because without these things, Value Village, Sal Army, Amity would not exist to help those in need. However, we cannot, we absolutely CANNOT leave it there.
Jean Vanier, one of the founders of L'Arche Community for Disabled People, wrote a book entitled "Finding Peace" where he writes:
" Soon after founding L'Arche, a woman came to see me. She had some clothes and worn out shoes that she wanted to give to the men we had welcomed. Her intention was surely kind, but I felt her vision was patronizingly distorted-- as if she were offering garbage to people who are garbage. Why do we want to give away things that we ourselves do not value?" (2003; 16-7).

This is the question I began to ask myself. Why are we so quick to give up the stuff that has no value to us anymore? and What is that saying to the people who are receiving it?
More than this, becomes the question of genuine relationship. When we truly seek to value and give worth to those around us, we step away from the bare minimum we can give, and instead desire to provide extravagance and abundance to the people we value and love. I don't mean material abundance necessarily. Let me make this personal, think for a second of your favourite person, be it someone you like romantically, a good friend, or a child. Think of the love you have for them, think of how much you value them. Now ask yourself, if this person needed a new jacket, would I give them the worn out arms, the broken zipper, jacket from 1984 that's been withering away in your closet? I'd like to think you're saying NO, I'd like to think that you'd want to get them a nice jacket, that will protect them from the cold, that may be in style, that has durable zippers and sustainable material to last them for at least a couple years. Am I right?
I guess the challenge here, is what does that love hold? It holds contact, relationship, interdependence, TIME. When we say we love someone, ideally, I'd like to think that means we will care about them through the thick and thin. I'm beginning to think that charity requires a willingness, while compassion demands willingness through suffering.
Sorry if this seems scattered.
More thoughts to come...

Friends, Hearts and Hands

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.” --Henri Nouwen

Over the last few weeks, I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be a "friend". The dictionary definition of "friend" gives us a fairly simplistic, structured defintion. Such as, " a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard", or "a person who is on good terms with another; someone who is not hostile." I don't know about you, but I'd like to think a friend is more than this. While I think it's so important for these characteristics to be present in a healthy relationship, I also would like to think of a friend as something far greater than that.
I would never classify myself as "popular", or ever be the girl that would walk down the hall and know every single head that strolled by. However, it becomes easy for me to classify people as my "best friends" without even thinking about how well I know them, or their hearts for that matter. In the last few days, I've really come to realize a lot of the characteristics I appreciate about the people closest to me. For me, Henri Nouwen pins the nail on the head with the quote above. Relationships are not about the people that we have to "fix" us. On the contrary, they are the people who enter into suffering and pain with us. Sometimes it's surprising who we choose to enter into that pain with.
While some would argue that the word friend is used too often and too loosely, I would simply argue, that we need to define the term for ourselves. For me, a friend is someone who knows me, who does not fear when I say "confession" and even further, who accepts me, laughs at me, challenges me, or loves me regardless of what comes next. Someone who knows me well enough to know that when I get quiet, it either means I'm tired, or hurt. Someone who knows the difference between the two. Someone who knows that I LOVE being the favourite, and instead of making fun of that or treating it like its nothing, allows me to be the favourite and looks out for that insecurity in me. Someone who will know that when I say I want to be alone, that really, I don't...EVER. Most of all, I love knowing that the people closest to me, love my heart and are willing to hurt with it, laugh with it, cry with it, and hold it.
I think what this does for me, is provide me with confidence in my relationships. And this confidence produces and empowers me to go and enter into pain and joy with others. Henri Nouwen also writes about enlarging the inner community of your heart. I think for awhile, I would say that I had a large inner community, but I was fooling myself. Since, I have learned from those around me, who have taken my heart, wrapped their hands around it, stopped the bleeding when pain is present, laughed when joy was evident, that creating an inner community can be even harder than we think. But it is through this inner community that we begin to see the reality of who we are and the worth and value of others.
It is because of you, that I can find freedom in my heart and in yours, that I can experience your pain and you can experience mine, that I can experience your joy and you can experience mine. That I can experience your love, grace and compassion, and you can experience mine. More than this, that I can fully and completely experience your Christ, and you can experience mine. It is through that that authentic and beautiful community is created and united.
Thank you for your hands, that so quickly hold my heart and never ever let it go.

"We are called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding"--Donald Miller