Summer of LOVVVVVVVVVVE

Wow,
a lot has happened since i last posted on here.
i wish i could update you on eveything...I'll try and see how much i can.
I don't know if anyone will even see this because it's probably assumed that i've been on a hiatus because I've been up at camp.
This summer, I realized that over the past year i've learned a lot about myself.
I've learned that I'm more aware of who I am and how i react to things.
It's been an interesting summer to say the least.
As I sit here and type I'm even trying to think about what I most want to write about...and I have absolutely nothing in my brain.
LIT has been amazing...every year I'm always astounded at how much I learn from these 15 and 16 year olds.
We just started our last week of official LIT, follow up week we call it.
Today, I was sitting with two of the greatest girls, Nat and Em. We were chatting about taking risk (surprised?). I looked at both of them and realized somethiong so cool, something that i've really learned about this summer, community.
I've been thinking about what community means. Camp has been changing a lot of its rules and procedures to try and better accomodate for a safe and secure environment for staff to feel like an integral part of community. I began thinking about this. It's really true. Camp has been a safe place for me for a long time. Cuddling with the girls, reminded me of how unique the camp setting is. How so fast you can learn to care about someone, how fast you can become best friends with the people around you, how fast you can learn to be trusted and to trust. It's actuallay astounding.
These girls know a lot about me, they know my bitchy ways and my monsterous reactions, they know my good, my bad, my ugly. I've even caught them using a lot of my catch phrases and laughed (phrases like, "that's lame" with the Amanda eye-roll).
We were talking about being good enough.
This is something I'm also so fearful of. Being good enough. Being a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good best friend, a good girlfriend, a good leader. Today, I thought for a longgg time about it with my girls. I came to this conclusion:
It's quite a beautiful contradiction actually, we should never have to feel we need to be "good enough" for people around us, b/c our identity can only rest in one person and that's Jesus. Having said that, the caring community around us is responsible for ensuring that we know we are good enough, and ever further, more than enough, for them.
These last few months have been really interesting in terms of my relationships. I have come to easily trust some of the people around me, and it's been really beautiful. I've also taken up letter writing to some people who are not with me. There's a couple relationiship experiences I'm going to talk about:
1.) I've just (as in the last 2 months) recently started dating the best person ever. While, we are right down the road from each other, visits are minimal especially since camp officially started. Something that I'm learning/have learned from this is that when you are so used to being on your own for a long time, it's hard to think about life in the 2-person. It's no longer "I", it's thinking about "we". Wow, that's even scary to type. The other crazy thing is how fast you learn to really really trust the person. Don't get me wrong, I definitely trusted him with a lot before we started dating. But to know that someone has seen the bad and good sides of me and loves me regardless is hard thing to grasp. It's also a really humbling experience. I've loved the many conversations, txt messages, and even the silences on a long car rides sometimes and I look forward to continually trusting and risking. It's a safe feeling knowing that my heart is valued and loved. He's taught me a lot about the kind of leader I want to be too. He's incredibly dedicated to his staff and kids, consistently placing them above him, even to the point of neglecting himself. He's one of the most self-less people I know, it means a lot to know that I have him constantly challenging me to be a better person.
2.) This is my fourth summer at LIT, I've gone through 3 partners now. This partner has definitely been my 100%, best partner EVERRRRR. Ryan has taught me a lot. He's taught me that even though sometimes people annoy you, you need to love them. For whatever reason, he's ALWAYS right about how love can change people. Any kids we had that were annoying, I noticed that through our love, they felt comfortable and vulnerable enough to share their lives. Often this sharing resulted in me understanding why they acted the way they did. Ryan also put up with a lot of me talking and trying to figure out life. Regardless of my harsh judgements or sometimes painfully annoying habits, he cared about me. He's become someone that I always want to be around, b/c when he's around I always learn from him. He's someone I hope to spend a lot of time with this year. I know it might be a little over the top to say, but he reminds me a lot of Gandhi. He's wise beyond his years and I hope that I can learn from him more and more. I'm just thankful he lives down the street from me for the majority of the year.
3.) A couple of the other staff have taught me a lot too. Two brothers have been working on staff. I was friends with the oldest one (Matt) first and then became really really close to the younger one (Luke) who lives near me in Hamilton. It's been such an beautiful and unique expereince working with both of them on staff. They both are filled with knowledge and wisdom. Sometimes, I just want to sit with them and listen to them talk. It's sometimes intimidating how much they know, more so, that they choose to be patient know only with me, but also so many others. It's refreshing actually. I love knowing that they care about me. Knowing that they look out for my best interests.

I could go on. I've already talked briefly about my girls. It's been such an amazing summer of laughing, fighting, loving, cuddling, crying, and punching with rage with them. It's definitely been a great summer to end off on.
It's crazy that people can change and transform your heart so drastically. It's been almost two months and man oh man has these last two months been so special to my life.
I'm definitely going to miss this community. Mostly because I feel valued and cared for in such a real way. I know that will continue throughout the year in different ways, but it's hard to say good bye to this unique, beautiful, and temporary state of bliss and pain.
I feel like I'm just rabbling here.
Hopefully I've learned something about community, that I can take home and learn to create a better caring community, not that it isn't great already. I miss home a lot. I'm in the middle of missing camp (even though i'm still here) and missing home. Maybe because those communities cross over, I'm really not sure.
I'm so thankful for the time I've had up here. While a lot of shit has happened and a lot of hurt has occured, not only as a staff but personally within me, it's been one hell of a ride. Never ever to be forgotten.
Hopefully there will be more to come this week.

The book I'm currently re-reading is Life of the Beloved by Henri Nouwen, maybe I'll comment on that later.