WARNING: thinking in OVERDRIVE ahead.

After another night of tossing and turning, I decided maybe it's about time to write another one of these therapeutic blogs. My brain is/has been on overdrive for the last week, overdrive might be a bit of an understatement, but for lack of a better word, I'll use overdrive. This state of thinking happens every so often. For the most part, I love when new things come to me, but I've noticed that the process of thinking is difficult and frustrating.
I'd like to think that a core value I have is my relationships. I hope that the people closest to me, know without a doubt that they are important, loved, and so so so valued by me. Maybe I began thinking about relationships because over the last few months I have been involved with people who have shown me raw love, community, and care. So much so that I began wondering what REAL relationships require. Here's my thinking so far:
I've realized that I should rename my blog, RISK...that's usually what everything comes back to anyways.
Life is a one ball of RISK.
In each and every decision we make, there is the risk that it was/is wrong. For some things this risk becomes easy. Chocolate or Vanilla? CHOCOLATE. Fine dining or Pizza? PIZZA. Inside or outside? OUTSIDE. There is little to no risk, because I know what I prefer. I know my favourites, and it's easy to always choose that.
On the other hand, there are many MANY big decisions and risks that we make and take. I think for me, the biggest decisions ALWAYS involve more than one person, they are always bigger than me. I think that's why it becomes so hard to choose or decide that risk.
After talking to a good friend yesterday, I had a "light-bulb" moment, if you will.
To give a little bit of a preface to this light-bulb occurence, there's something you need to know about me. Something that probably by reading my past blogs you'll already understand. I don't like risk. I don't like the thought of going out on a limb, stepping out, further, putting my heart on the line, to have the potential of it breaking or being rejected. The thought of that even, makes me sick.
It's funny how things work out though, because what I'm beginning to see is that risk in any relationship is necessary. Not only is it necessary, but by risking, you're attributing and giving worth to someone. I'd like to go even one step further to say that when risking, when choosing to go out on a limb, when choosing (ohhh gosh, here comes the forbidden word) to be vulnerable enough to share your heart with someone, something so beautiful happens. You give ULTIMATE worth and value to the person you're choosing to take the risk on.
I don't know if this makes sense.
For someone who doesn't like risk, it scares the shit out of me. The other funny thing too is, is to think that people will take risks on me. I think that thought scares me even more. To think that someone values ME enough to risk blows my mind. I don't even know how often this really happens.
My friend once told me, after she read one of her many books, that we need to understand that we are worth it.
I am worth it.
That's a hard concept to grasp. It's hard because all too often, we don't allow people to be worth it to us. We don't allow people to enter into our hearts and our world, for fear of what? Being rejected?
I'm beginning to think that the positive outcomes and benefits that are associated with risk-taking far outweigh the fear, and even the reality of being rejected. Even in taking little risks with the people most important to me, I've seen the benefit of risk taking.
I know that risk-taking isn't an attribute that comes over night... I'm not even sure if it's something you can DECIDE to do. Maybe it is. All I know is that, it's worth it.
One of my greatest insecurities is that I won't be worth it. That I won't be enough.
I will fail. I will be replaced. I will be rejected.
The truth is, that will be the case for some people. The kinda crazy part about that is I'm okay with that.
I'm okay with that, because I'd like to believe that to someone I'm worth it. I am enough, I'm more than enough. I won't ever be replaced, and further, my heart will be protected rather than rejected.
I realize this might sound all over the place, so if you take anything from this, just know that you are worth it.
At the end of the day, I'd like to believe that when you care so much for someone, their heart/needs are put before your own. I think that this makes taking the risk a little easier, because in the end, your heart will be protected.
I've come the end of my thinking process.
Thank you for listening/reading this babble, I apologize if it's ambiguous or confusing.
You're worth it.
If not to anyone else, you're worth it to me.
If you're like me and think like me, please be reminded (and I'll remind myself while typing this) that to someone, even if it's just ONE person, you are enough, FAR MORE than enough, you are so special, you are SO worth it to someone. So take the risk.

"I hate goodbyes"--Lloyd, Dumb and Dumber

My favourite movie is Dumb and Dumber.
One of my favourite scenes, is when Lloyd drops Mary off at the airport and says

uggghh, i HATE good-byes
shhhh...don't say anything...just GO.

I don't think I've done it justice by quoting it in my blog, but hopefully you can visualize it and laugh with me.
I realized this morning that I absolutely HATE saying good-bye.
Mostly because I hate change.
I was having a conversation yesterday with a friend and we were discussing different relationships, friendships and insecurities. Over the last few months I've really come to notice a lot of my own insecurities. I'm someone who needs to know that I'm valued, I need to know that I have a place, and an important place at that, in the lives of those most important to me. I need quality time with people. I need attention...sick I know, but so so true.
Sometimes I feel like a real sissy letting people know my sensitivities and insecurities. I realize we all have them, but at times, I feel like mine are worse than everyone elses.
I also realized that now, more than ever, I care about the relationships that I have.
So much so, that I'm willing to reveal my insecurities. I'm willing to stop retreating. I never really thought I'd ever get to that point. I'm sorta thankful for it. As much as it's a pain in the ass to have to force myself out of my natural instincts, I'm happy to know that some of these relationships will last me, well, hopefully forever.
Even if that's not the case though, I think I've learned for the better. My mom always said:

it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all

I used to NEVER agree with this, but now I'm beginning to see the advantage. Even losing the risk you took on someone, leaves you knowing that you can do it. It is sucky when you feel rejected and hurt, but knowing that you can work past that is worth it.
I realized today, that I'm really going to miss you this summer. I know that I have an exceptional community up north, but it's hard to leave it here. Even with some of my closest community up there, it's not the same, and I'm desparately going to miss that.
I had to say goodbye to the cleaning girls today, they are fun and we talk everytime they are in. I almost cried saying goodbye and I don't even know their last names!
I realized that this year it's going to be rough leaving.
Worse than any year in the past.
It sucks.

HAPPY 24th BIRTHDAY CAITLIN!!!

I know I've told you a million times over, but you're incredible. Your love for life, fun and adventure attracts so many people to you. Your heart for people, specifically the marginalized and forsaken is something I hope the world can see, if not today, at least one day (and I have no doubt that that will happen). Today, smile, because you woke up and can celebrate living one of the best lives. Today, laugh, because you have people around you who care so much for you. Today, live, because you've been given life to the fullest.
I appreciate you more than you know and hope that you have a PHENOMENAL day of LIFE.
Thanks for everything you do Cait.
You're the greatest friend.
Happy, Happy Birthday.
Love,
Amanda

Oh the Places You'll Go...my Rite of Passage

It's hard to believe that 4 years have come and gone. While, during that time, I'm sure many people heard from me that I couldn't wait to be out, I now regret wishing my university years away.
It is nuts how fast life can pass us by. Walking across the stage made me realize that this part of my life, has quickly come to an end.
My validictorian made an empowering, thought provoking and challenging speech. He used a story from Mother Theresa about a nursing home (fairly fitting for 5 gerontology grads), MT walked into the home and was very impressed by it's accomodations, resources, and facilities. She quickly noticed though that many of the residents looked horribly sad and kept staring at the door. She couldn't figure out why they longing watched the door day in, day out. After asking the nursing staff one day, she found out that it was because they kept waiting for someone to come in and love them. He challenged us to be the next person to walk through the door and love people.
What I realized was that a door is small. While eventually everyone can feed through it, it takes going through one by one in order to effectively enter the hurting community. While many people may go on and live life having never walked threw that door, having never actually loved and been loved in return. I really realized that this is a time, now more than ever, to choose love. I don't mean love in the mushy feelings and nice emotions love. I mean RAW love. I mean the kind of love, a lot of people shy away from, because it's uncomfortable, it's messy, it means giving up on my selfish ambitions and instead, looking to the hearts of those around me. I want to walk through the door and be a person of messy love.
Last night, I went to my best friend's house, where a bunch of us gathered, with our parents and grandparents. It was an awesome time. Many of the parents had never met, but had something great in common, their kids were all best friends. Towards the end of the night, they brought out champagne and we toasted. It really was the closing of another chapter and all the while, a reopening of a brand new one.
I realize that few read this blog. But last night, on the ride home, it really struck me how lucky, blessed and fortunate I am. My university career did fly by, and there are many reasons for that. I've had the time of my life. I've met and become closer to the best people I think I'll ever meet. I have learned how to love and how to be loved. I've learned that that isn't always easy. I've learned that care requires pain. I've learned it also requires joy. I've learned that when shit hits the fan, laugh about it, in reality there's nothing anyone can do. More than anything, I've surrounded myself, or more so, for whatever you've chosen to surround me, with people who are and will continue to change the world. If not globally, individually. You've changed mine. Part of me wishes I could go back in time and do university over. I wish that I could've spent more time playing DDR, I wish I would've said YES to every plan that came my way, instead of seldomly having to say NO, because I had a paper due the next day. However, this is not the end. No, no, this is only the beginning. We've formed a beautiful community. One of friendship, laughter, some tears, joy, pain, hurt, and most of all one of absolute love. Thank you, to everyone who has invested in me, challenged me, loved me despite my monsterous ways at times, who has chosen to be my friend despite my horrible habits. Today, I'm excited to think of what's next, only because I know that whatever is next will have you there with me.
The validictorian ended by quoting Dr. Seuss, Oh the Places You Will Go. I'm just thankful that I have places to go with people who love me.

It just makes sense...

Lately, I've had many conversations about the "church". What it means, what it's intended to look like, etc.
It's frustrating how God made us so different. I'm beginning to see that it takes all kinds in order to live in this big universe. As much as some would classify me as a egalitarian, feminist, or "equalist" (to make feminism a little safer to identify with), I would also classify myself partially as a "debbie-downer". I don't think this world will ever see justice fully restored, the strong fully become weak, and the rich fully become poor, at least not until this world is fully restored to it's original and perfected state (talked about Romans). Having said that, I would also like to assert that I believe we can see the Kingdom in it's fully human, fully broken, and fully beautiful state here on earth, even if only in part. I'm probably being very vague and confusing here, for that I apologize. Let me try and work this out as it has been going through my brain.
When I think about my current church situation and even many churches I visit, I can't help but think about what attracted me to it in the first place. Yes, for the church I'm attending now, the youth group/kids attracted me. But it goes much deeper than that. It's a secure, comfortable place, where it's almost recognized as "cool" to be a "Christ-follower". The lights, the sound, the techno, the humour, the edgey video clips that incorporate some sort of controversial message and does not hide from coarse language, are all characteristics of a "church" that I attend. To walk into church on a Sunday, it is easy for me to be overlooked. I think I find comfort in that. Knowing that if I don't want to be in conversation with someone, I can go in, sing, listen, maybe let out a chuckle here and there, and leave. Having absolutely NO human contact, but potentially the person I had to body slam to make it to the middle sit (for whatever reason, people think it's cool to sit on the end of the rows...NEWS FLASH: it's NOT).
To me, "church" in the loose definition that I'm giving it, as somewhere you go on Sunday mornings, is easy for me. Really, it's easy for us all.
In writing my previous blog (Red Carpet), and reading some of my friend's blogs, I am consistently reminded that Christ's life was radical, was different, was not easy, further, was extremely DIFFICULT, was one of struggle, defeat, and pain. It's easy to romanticize this life, it's easy to go into a flashy church with A LOT of people and leave, feeling that we've done humanity a favour by just entering the doors. Might I suggest, this thinking is blemished.
So, WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!
Why do I continue going?
Why do I continue feeding into the disarranged attitudes of the church?
Why do I continue to try and make myself as comfortable as possible?
Why do I justify that?
Why am soooo fearful of change?

My answer to this is not well thought out, but I'll give it a go:

Humanity is messed up.
We long for human to human contact, and yet, find ourselves seeking out the biggest crowd to belong to.
When we get that "Go Big or Go Home" mentality, we feel disengaged with those around us and seek out desparately for the few people that will care for us.
So why am I so scared of "church", as defined in Hebrews: "where 2 or 3 are gathered together in my name, there I am, and that is church", why am I so scared, of the church in Acts, where people ate and spent time together, why am I so quick to retreat from living out love and care for orphans and widows, like James tells us?
I'll tell you why. Because I fear you.
Within these references of church, it is evident that communities were small, they were personable, they were vulnerable. Vulnerability is a scary scary thought. Not because I fear people giving me their burdens, but I fear that you will want mine.
Smallness scares people because all the sudden we are WHO we are.
We have no one, no lights, no sounds, no entertainment to hide behind. We simply MUST be who we are.
At the same time, I think that's what we all crave. We all desire to be US, we desire to have a voice, we desire to matter.
Maybe that's why the flashly lights and entertainment sustain for awhile, but not forever.
For me, the harder choice is to choose the small community, and know that not only do I have a voice, but it's necessary that I use it.
To be loved. To be cared for.
Further, to struggle, to endure suffering with each other.
Community is such a strange concept.
I don't know why, but it just makes sense.
Maybe that's just the way it should be?

Red Carpet

Wow, it's been quite sometime since I've sat down to write on here.
A lot has happened.
My trip to NC was incredible. I became obsessed with collecting shells. It was also so fun to spend an entire week with 4 incredible people in my life, just us, the ocean and some beautiful musical stylings of Pat and Chris Martin. I'll probably write more about my trip later. Since I've come back, my life has been a whirlwind. I found that after spending so much time just being, spending time with people that care about me, and vice versa, and having many MANY meaningful conversations, it was so hard to return to the reality of a busy life.
Since, I've been thinking a lot about the choices I've made, the choices I'm going to be making, and my increased amount of stress and fear around all of these decisions.
I'll try and be as coherent as possible as I continue to type but I apologize in advance if this blog doesn't make sense. In many ways, it's a reflection of what my brain/heart looks like right now. Just a moment ago I realized how truly beautiful that confusion is.
As already mentioned in a previous blog, my critical view of "worship" music has begun to evolve. I went to a free starfield concert last night. It was great to watch some of my favourite people google in awe at their musical heroes. Even though, in my mind, I couldn't help but think that they are so much better then the people on stage. I looked around this decked out church. On every light fixture a wooden cross was found. The bathroom, had beautiful marble counters with fresh flowers in the vase. During the "concert", which the lead singer kept referring to as "church", my eyes kept darting around at the variety of "visually pleasing aesthetics". I began to wonder, is this place where Jesus would spend his time?
As I watched words like "All for you, I'm letting go"; " I want to be a revolution" (which my friend pointed out, isn't even right, a revolution implies way more than just one person, he quickly changed it to "we") flash across the screen, I began wondering what goes through God's mind when He's watching, and even further, I wondered if God felt invited into this "worship". Please don't read this wrong. I believe that there are sincere and authentic hearts singing these beautiful words and poems to the God that they serve and love, and I do believe that God sees that as beautiful and pleasing to Him. But further, I think He thinks that our version of "worship" is a little warped. When such inspiring, authentic, broken and real words are combined with flashy lights, smoke machines, and red carpet, I can't help but think that this "party" isn't one that Jesus would've partaken in.
I was thinking out loud last with a friend, that Jesus' feet were not feet to walk upon red carpet, but instead where feet that walked in the dirt, in the mud, in utter shit sometimes. Even though these are just feet, I think something can be learned from this opposition of ground. Red carpet signifies comfort, complecancy, and indifference. The mud, dirt and shit, signfies struggle, reality, adventure, and LOVE.
I thought to myself, particularly as I prepare myself to graduate university, get a job and begin life, that I have come to a fork in the road. I can continue on the red carpet (it is my fav colour after all), I can continue being comfortable, I can continue justifying my actions, my speech, my purchases, my life away. OR (man, I LOVE that word--- OR). I can take the risk, and begin walking on the dirt path. In my mind, and even biblically, this path is not well groomed, well kept, or well walked. Which leads me to believe all the more, that this is the path for me.
It's a scary thought, it's scary because it's one of those few times in life that you have to step on your own, and yes, many many other feet might meet up with you to join on that dirt path. But inevitably, it's up to ME. Inevitably, I might be a lone walker.
I've also been doing a lot of thinking about risk and relationships. Over the past few months there have been a couple of relationships in my life that have constantly challenged me and spurred me on towards taking the risk. It's interesting because I've never wanted to take this risk before. Having met these people (some of them have been around for a bit and just recently our relationship has become real and authentic), it makes me, in the words of Jack Nicholson from As Good As Its Gets, want to be a better person.
Risk...such a scary word.
The other day I was talking to one of my friends about risking a friendship for something more. While, this is a topic all on it's own, it really made me realize that ideally in any relationship, romantic or not, we would be willing to risk it for the other person. We'd be willing to risk security, comfort and safety for the people we desire to care about, love, and protect. Crazy eh?!
As for the risking friendship for something more, I don't know. I realize in many situations it must be done. I was talking to another good friend, who reminded me to find my freedom in being content with where I am, who I am, and more importantly WHO I'm WITH (not in a romantic, marriage-type relationship). For me, right now, I'm willing to risk. At this very moment, I'm willing to to step out and hope that maybe, if not even right now, you'll step out with me. I reminded myself today, that I have to be okay if I do end up flying solo, but I'm going to go out on a limb (go out on a risk, you could say), and believe that I'm not going to be alone.
This confusion and frustration of where life can go, where it should go, it's stressful, it's worrysome, and all the while, it's WELL worth it.
You are worth it to me.
You have shown me that I'm worth it to you.
And that, I am so thankful for.