Expressions

We can do no great things, only little things with GREAT love

Mother Theresa

It's funny how we fantasize about a world other than what we live in. It's funny how I dream about a life I want someday. The closer I get to that, I realize, that sometimes it's not all it's cracked up to be.
Let me explain.
Last year at this time, I had fantastical thoughts about living the (dare I say it), "simple life". I actually think it was around this time that I got a lot of my clothes together and gave them away...man that felt great. I decided in my brain that I wanted to help people as a job and I wanted to live in Hamilton, to be amongst the marginalized and forsaken.
I felt like a good human being. I felt like just even dreaming, talking, and thinking about it that I was making a difference.
As many of you already know, I began working within the social service field. I work with teen moms and their babies.
I love it, I absolutely love it. I get to hold babies all day, some crying, some laughing, some sleeping, but all huge little buddles of love.
I just realized though, that this job is not easy. It's not easy, b/c I see and hear about horrible things that happen to these little humans. All of which, don't really have a choice in the matter. This job was definitely more glamourous in thought and dream.
I realized that sometimes changing the world, starts with one person. Starts by changing the world of ONE individual.
Sometimes we can make helping people seem like we were God's gift to the universe. Sometimes I can be prideful of the life I want to live. But with all sincerity, the more and more I start living it, the more and more I realize how much of a struggle it will be.
I realized that when people told me to "come and see", it is necessary to do so. Sometimes loving people means the littlest, simplest, expressions of care, touch, vulnerability, and availability.
It's been quite the experience working where I work. Sometimes I hear about things that should only ever happen in the movies...and even there is not necessary. To be honest with you, it's not glamourous, or remotely attractive.
Mother Theresa was a smart woman. She understood the fact that to change the face of the world, we need to realize that we can only do so, through the purest and kindest little acts of love.

Photographic Essay: My Ovaries

Sometimes when lonliness, isolation, and hurt plague me...all I have to do is look around and realize, I have some of the BEST friends in the world.

Employment---finally!

After having a severe stress attack last night about my employment, I got the call back.
I've been hired somewhere, well, not officially as I need to fill out the paper work, but I got the call. The you are good-enough to work here call. The you are experienced enough to be part of our team.
I'm excited.
I'm also really scared.
I enjoy a challenge, but this is more than that...this is me beginning a new phase of life.
It's the marker all right.

Life is changing...it has already changed...
I'm excited.
But I'm also really scared.

Enough-ness

For as long as you can remember, you have been a pleaser, depending on others to give you an identity. You need not look at that only in a negative way. You wanted to give your heart to others, and you did so quickly and easily. But now you are being asked to let go of all these self-made props and trust that God is enough for you. You must stop being a pleaser and reclaim your identity as a free self.

Henri Nouwen.

I've been a huge fan of Henri Nouwen for a number of years now. Just recently, I've picked up a few of his books and began reading them again.
He's a rather profound man. Simplistic, yet provoking, thoughts.
For a longggg time, I've thought about this concept. The "enough-ness" of God. The idea that I need to find MY identity in something I've never seen, and further, to let that be enough, is mind-boggling.
There's a lot of things I've come to grips with over the last few months. A lot of insecurities, hurt, and discouragement. It's wierd when you get to a place where you're no longer driven by the pain that entangles, or used to entangle, your heart.
Because I'm someone who constantly surrounds themselves with people, with touch, with sounds, with quality time, I consistently face the pressure of defining myself by the relationships I'm in, or not in. I think this will be an on-going struggle.
I think that even further than the "enough-ness" of God, is the "enough-ness" of me. Knowing that I'm enough to be friends with you. Knowing that I'm enough to be someone's daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend, acquaintance, stranger. It's a hard concept to grasp.
Recently, I was thinking about this idea.
And was reminded of the simple idea that if God is enough for me, naturally, I become enough for you.
I've realized that I need to stop being a pleaser, I need to stop trying to constantly find myself in others, I've given my heart to a lot of people...and it's good. But it's high time for me to continually give ownership over to the one who created it.

______________________________________

In a more practical sense. For me, currently, I've been extremely stressed about finding employment. I've applied a number of different places. I had an interview at a place that I would LOVE to work at. They told me they'd call my references on friday and get back to me within the next week. It's currently Wednesday and they haven't called my references or me....major BUMMER.
I'm getting sick, my muscles ache, and I find myself having mini episodes of severe panic. How do I find contentment and "enough-ness" in this?
God has been showing me in the wierdest ways, that in His time, everything will be fine.
I guess this is one my man-made props that I need to let go of, and trust that God is enough.
Enough...it's a funny word.

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.

Henri Nouwen

Intimate

It has been awhile since I've typed out my thoughts on here.
It's crazy how fast life can go.
It's currently October 1st, and I have yet to find a job.
Scary thought, one that I've thought about, worried over and have currently decided to let go of...a job will come when it's time.

A lot has been on my mind since I've last wrote on here. While, I wish I had the time/typing skills to spill everything, there is one thing that made me realize I wanted to blog again.

I've been thinking a lot about the idea of intimacy. I know that when a lot of people see that word, they think of being in a relationship, marriage, or sex. But really it has far deeper meaning than given credit.
I particularly thought of it yesterday. I was sitting with one my girls, Rachel, and she asked me if I liked attending "The Attic" (a night of extended singing). I told her that I liked it because everyone was there, not because I feel singing is my main, or even a substantial, part of my worship to God. She asked me, how do you feel closest to God. I didn't know how to respond. I've never been one of those people that sees God as an emotion...while I know that to some people He is, and I'm not taking away anything from that or trying to de-romanticize the idea of that. What I am in the process of thinking though, is how do I know that God is there? It became frustrating to me last night, because singing seems like such an easy way to "connect" with God. For so many people, that's their emotional tie to God. As hard as I can try, it never works the same for me...and I'm beginning to see, that it never should.
Last night, I spent the majority of my time at the back dancing with two little (and beautiful) girls. The littlest one would always ask me to spin her around. At one point, I remember looking down at her face as I was spinning, and I knew God had given me that moment to be present. He gave me that moment of intimacy, the feeling of a familiar association with him. To watch her face light up, to see her smile turn into a full out giggle, to see her cute blonde curls blowing in the wind that was created by me spinning her. That was my intimate moment.
On the car ride home, I thought about some other intimate times.
Friday night, I shared a meal with 3 really important women in my life, Tali, Deb and Lauren. They came over and we sat around my dining room table and discussed, at length, women's issues and many theories and ideologies of oppression. To care about the deep details of the passion of my beating heart, that was intimate.
Last week, I had all my closest friends over, we also shared a meal. I remember sitting at the top of the table, and couldn't stop smiling, mostly because I was surrounded by people who KNOW me. People who have been united with me and will hopefully remain that way for a longgg time to come.
I also think about when I'm being hugged by someone that knows me the best. Someone that has seen me at my worst and my best. Someone that knows when I'm tired, I get uncensored and cynical, and loves it. Someone that doesn't need to speak or have me speak, but just likes to embrace and know me.
Intimacy is such a unique and special characterization for relationships.
I've decided that sometimes, most times for me, some of the most vivid and important times of worship, come at the most unexpected times. What I'm beginning to see, is that without people, without community, without being known, there can never be intimate times of worship. God has so beautifully designed us to be together so that we can experience Him in human form, we can experience His joy, His love, His grace, His presence through the people around us.
I've heard the phrase, "Come and See" a lot recently.
I think that's the design of our hearts, to come and see God as he designed us and others to be. And to see how being intimate can cause us to be fully present with each other...and I think that's incredible.