experiment revisited: dammit!

So, I've agreed to play in my first ever ultimate frisbee game tomorrow (first ever, meaning not just with friends where I cheat more than I play!).
Originally, I was going to bail out of the request to play by excusing myself with no skill and no confidence (I have a hard time being consistent with my tosses). But I went back and looked at my experiments with truth (from new years). Man, I've been failing in that department HUGE.
One of them was to try new things.
I realized that in not accepting the invitation to play in the game, I was being a huge chicken. I was letting my pride get the best of me.
It may seem so silly to you that I would get this worked up over a little game where the object is get a plastic disc across a line, where at the end of the game (regardless of who wins), you play games that get you "spirit points". Such games that make you look like a complete fool, games where you are on all fours and chant words like "mini tanks"....wierd, I know.
I decided that I wasn't going to let fear win again. As stupid as it might sound, this step in such a little thing, has made me see that I can take steps in bigger things in my life. I can beat my fears.
We'll see how tomorrow goes...if you think of it, send a little word up. I know I'll be shitting my pants all day tomorrow just thinking about it, but I also know that I will be okay. I'll still be living (hopefully) tomorrow night. And hopefully, I'll be a better person because of it, even in a little way.

Here are the people that made me do it:

Also:

Thank you. For believing in me enough to make me face my fears. Even the little ones!

Your body needs to be held and to hold, to be touched and to touch. None of these needs is to be despised, denied, or repressed. But you have to keep searching for your body's deeper need, the need for genuine love. Every time you are able to go beyond the body's superficial desires for love, you are bringing your body home and moving toward integration and unity.

- Henri Nouwen

Again,
it's astounding to think that LOVE NEVER FAILS.

LOVE

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the idea of love.
What it means to love, what it means to be loved, what does love even MEAN?
Does it help dictate how I act or should act? Is it supposed to? If yes, what does the action of love look like?
It's really got the best of my mind the last few days.
I think mostly because I've been the anthesis of love in my life lately.
Today, when I came home from work, I decided to really try and figure out what love is, what love looks like, and how I can reorient or refocus myself to those characteristics.
Here's what I found.

Love is patient.
Love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
LOVE never FAILS.

I know, you've probably heard this over and over again. But I would encourage you to re-read it. and re-read it. and re-read it. and re-read it (you get the point).


I would encourage you to listen, to see and to know the words deep down.
PATIENT
KIND
TRUTH
PROTECTION
TRUST
HOPE

And finally, the words that hit me most were:

NEVER FAILS

As many know, I work with a severely hurting population of women. A group of women who, for the most part, do not know love in any of it's forms. Not even one of those characteristics have been demonstrated to them. Unfortunately, they believe in a love of hurt, pain, suffering, physical, emotional, mental abuse. Unfortunately, that cycle may never end. Unfortunately, some of these women will never experience an unfailing love.
Which makes me (and probably really selfishly) sooo thankful that I do experience GREAT love.

After a phone conversation with Sim last night, I really realized how lucky (and LOVED) I am.
I have been known to have infrequent moments of irrationality (who's kidding who...if you know me, you know this is NOT true...there are many of these moments, probably on a day-to-day basis). I was having a moment or a couple moments on the phone (which DEFINITELY sucks) and it was grinding on both Sim and myself. Towards the end of the conversation, we were both just exhausted, still somewhat frustrated, but had mended things in some capacity. We said I love you and hung up.
That is when my brain went on over-drive. LOVE.
I LOVE YOU.
Powerful words.
Words that mean all of the above characteristics.
WOW.
I know that no-one is perfect. I know that we all have our moments, sometimes days, weeks, months of stepping out character, or stepping out of love. I definitely have.
The more I thought, the more I became sooo thankful that I have someone, a GREAT AND AMAZING someone who loves me. Who is patient, kind, who is not easily angered, who hardly ever brings up past events when they have been forgiven, who speaks truth to me and demands it in return, who protects and trusts me.
There have been unbelievable role models of love in my life. I want to thank you for always giving me someone to look up to.

I am incredibly lucky in the life I have.
Today, I choose love over myself.
I choose patience, kindness, truth, trust, perseverance.

I choose to medidate and think hard about each of these characteristics and how they are to be played out in my life and relationships.

The most interesting thought to me and most meaningful characteristic of love to me is that it NEVER FAILS.
When we say we love someone, that's HUGE. It means, we will do ANYTHING we can to never fail in that love. Clearly it happens, probably on a daily basis. But that's not the point (I don't think). I think the point of love never failing is that even in disappointment, anger, or hurt, love wins. Even in times of struggle, of fighting, of arguing, of disagreeing, there is an overiding knowledge that LOVE will win.

I think that's something I'm going to think of as I lie in bed tonight. Deeply loved and deeply in love (this line is not restricted to romantic love if that is what you are thinking).

LOVE NEVER FAILS....thankfully.