Yesterday I had tea with one of my most important people in my life.
I was thinking on the way home how I always learn from him.
ALWAYS.
If it's simply hanging out and laughing, I learn to live for each moment.
If it's discussing something major, I learn to breath in and always know that someone cares about me.
If it's not even talking, but knowing that we are in the same place together, I learn even my very presence matters and is noticed.
We talked yesterday about the idea of beauty. About how people don't hear that they are beautiful, enough.
About how the word itself hast lost its meaning because of the superficial connotations society has placed on it.
It's funny because there have been few times in my life when I have felt genuinely beautiful.
My grandpa, used to always make me feel like I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. I still remember, when he was in the hospital and couldn't even speak, he would communicate with his eyes. I walked in one day with a smile on my face, so excited to see him. The second he saw me, his eyes lit up and a smile spread across his face as he reached his hand up to grab my hand.
This to me, was the look of beauty.
Another time,
I volunteered at the FRWY last year. For whatever reason, I never thought about my physical appearance when I was working there. I remember one day, a lady came in and ordered a tea, as I took her order I smiled at her politely. She looked at me for a long time, almost uncomfortably long, and finally said: "You have a face that lights up an entire room, I hope in my lifetime I see many more smiles like yours."
I felt like I was on top of the world. I'm pretty sure I went to sleep that night with hurting cheeks because I couldn't stop smiling after that.
There is nothing more perfect, nothing more complete, then being told by someone who cares about you that you are beautiful. There is nothing like looking someone in the eyes and sharing with them that they are spectacular.
A lot of times in feminist theory, there's the idea of reclaiming a word or phrase. I think it's about time to reclaim Beauty. I think it's about time that we start to see the beauty that rests within everyone. Maybe then, we can begin to see the beauty that lies within each of us.
Until then, thank you for seeing the beauty in me.
Know that I think the very same of you.
You are BEAUTIFUL.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Does it MATTER?
I've left this blog thing for far too long.
I am the person who thinks in blogs. When something happens I think of a tag line that i'm going to discuss later in one of my bloggings...and usually never end up getting to the actual typing process.
Finally, here I sit. My brain filled with probably a lot of useless thought...but hopefully through my spillage something will appear.
I had tea with one of my closest people last week. We often discuss our hopes for the future, she usually gives me some food for thought, a challenge here and there, and a lot of encouragement on the things I want to see take shape.
This night, in particular, she told me about the making of a story. She had been listening to a speaker and he was discussing the importance of characters within a story. She said something that made me think really hard...and has not left my head since. She said that sometimes it isn't about accomplishing THE DREAM or dreams that one may have, but instead looking to the process and person that lies behind the dream.
For someone like me, who always wants to have my own dreams, that became really encouraging. Whenever someone would ask me what my dreams are, it became a struggle for me even to spout off my hopes (which for some, aren't even real dreams). I always enjoy hearing someone else dream, and I love believing in those...even sometimes to the point of making it my dream to see that person's dream come true.
So when she told me that it's not about the dream, necessarily, it was a hard thing to digest.
In the end, she said DOES IT REALLY MATTER?!
She used the example of a women who's goal it was to dig 1000 wells in some country/village that needed fresh water. This dream mattered, she mattered. But it didn't matter if she made 1000 wells or 1--in the end she made a difference.
She tied this in with talking about how stories need a hero. And sometimes, most times even, the hero never fully lives out their life dreams. Instead, you always see a struggle, a sacrifice, a willing step to help someone, instead of using their powers/gifts for the good of themselves.
This is slightly world-changing for me.
I've always has this idea of moving to an inner city. I've had this idea of being with the people I claim to care most about, the marginalized, the forsaken, the poor. I talk a lot of shit, and have very few practical examples in my life to show that this is a huge desire of mine (in fact, i think I have some that could be used to prove the antithesis of that statement). I've struggled with this idea for the last little while. I've had a couple people say that want to join me in this. I've been so excited to know that I'm not going to go in alone (shit...downtown is scarrrrrry). But I realized, that the hero of my story would sacrifice fear, would sacrifice the potential and probability of something going seriously wrong, being a single girl in a big city with people i don't know enough about, would struggle giving up what they already know, would struggle with not being okay with just mediocre. Would finally step out of her comforting place of safeness and become something, or someone that matters.
Like I said, this has been on my mind for awhile now. Last night, at youth group, I had to close my eyes (even just to get away from the lights and flashy-ness that sometimes can be overwhelming), and I saw myself, walking down a residential street in Hamilton. I saw myself passing by people on the street and knowing their names. I saw myself talking to them, I saw myself hugging them and caring about them. When I opened my eyes, I thought that I was about to cry, as I realized that this vision, included only me. It scared me huge, because I desparately don't want to be in this life alone. I realized (again), that that didn't matter. It didn't matter if I have a 100 people join me or no one, this is and has become something I must do. I realized that even if I don't end up going by myself, the first step out, is a step alone. And that scares the shit out of me.
I guess this made me start thinking about belonging. For the greater part of my life, I've never belonged to something or someone(s). I've always been a "floater" (in highschool), where I'd move from group to group, where I'd talk to everyone, but know very few. I've been the girl that has a lot of things to do, but nothing of severe impact. I've been the girl who retreats when I get too close to a person or group, for fear they will know me, and know me well, and then reject me.
I realized that I've patterned my life now after that. I've segregated my life to the point that I can't even drive 20 minutes to everyone that matters most to me. Even geographically, I'm scattered.
I thought about how difficult this is for me, because now, more than ever, I want to belong. I want to matter.
Maybe it's about making sure that my time and my values/hopes are aligned (which at the moment, are definitely not). Maybe it's about seeing the baby steps as just as important as the big steps.
Maybe it's just about getting over my egotistical mind and finally realizing that this great world does not revolve around me. Maybe it invovles re-evaluating, if i really matter and who I matter to. Maybe it's about staying in this state of confusion, so that I can be content where I am now but that I don't have to be content to stay that way.
I guess in the end, it comes down to WHAT REALLY MATTERS?
Am I living a life that matters?
To who does it matter?
These questions are questions that I will continue to ask myself. Hopefully, I'll come up with some type of answer within this lifetime...maybe not, maybe I'll continue questioning...but maybe that's the point.
I am the person who thinks in blogs. When something happens I think of a tag line that i'm going to discuss later in one of my bloggings...and usually never end up getting to the actual typing process.
Finally, here I sit. My brain filled with probably a lot of useless thought...but hopefully through my spillage something will appear.
I had tea with one of my closest people last week. We often discuss our hopes for the future, she usually gives me some food for thought, a challenge here and there, and a lot of encouragement on the things I want to see take shape.
This night, in particular, she told me about the making of a story. She had been listening to a speaker and he was discussing the importance of characters within a story. She said something that made me think really hard...and has not left my head since. She said that sometimes it isn't about accomplishing THE DREAM or dreams that one may have, but instead looking to the process and person that lies behind the dream.
For someone like me, who always wants to have my own dreams, that became really encouraging. Whenever someone would ask me what my dreams are, it became a struggle for me even to spout off my hopes (which for some, aren't even real dreams). I always enjoy hearing someone else dream, and I love believing in those...even sometimes to the point of making it my dream to see that person's dream come true.
So when she told me that it's not about the dream, necessarily, it was a hard thing to digest.
In the end, she said DOES IT REALLY MATTER?!
She used the example of a women who's goal it was to dig 1000 wells in some country/village that needed fresh water. This dream mattered, she mattered. But it didn't matter if she made 1000 wells or 1--in the end she made a difference.
She tied this in with talking about how stories need a hero. And sometimes, most times even, the hero never fully lives out their life dreams. Instead, you always see a struggle, a sacrifice, a willing step to help someone, instead of using their powers/gifts for the good of themselves.
This is slightly world-changing for me.
I've always has this idea of moving to an inner city. I've had this idea of being with the people I claim to care most about, the marginalized, the forsaken, the poor. I talk a lot of shit, and have very few practical examples in my life to show that this is a huge desire of mine (in fact, i think I have some that could be used to prove the antithesis of that statement). I've struggled with this idea for the last little while. I've had a couple people say that want to join me in this. I've been so excited to know that I'm not going to go in alone (shit...downtown is scarrrrrry). But I realized, that the hero of my story would sacrifice fear, would sacrifice the potential and probability of something going seriously wrong, being a single girl in a big city with people i don't know enough about, would struggle giving up what they already know, would struggle with not being okay with just mediocre. Would finally step out of her comforting place of safeness and become something, or someone that matters.
Like I said, this has been on my mind for awhile now. Last night, at youth group, I had to close my eyes (even just to get away from the lights and flashy-ness that sometimes can be overwhelming), and I saw myself, walking down a residential street in Hamilton. I saw myself passing by people on the street and knowing their names. I saw myself talking to them, I saw myself hugging them and caring about them. When I opened my eyes, I thought that I was about to cry, as I realized that this vision, included only me. It scared me huge, because I desparately don't want to be in this life alone. I realized (again), that that didn't matter. It didn't matter if I have a 100 people join me or no one, this is and has become something I must do. I realized that even if I don't end up going by myself, the first step out, is a step alone. And that scares the shit out of me.
I guess this made me start thinking about belonging. For the greater part of my life, I've never belonged to something or someone(s). I've always been a "floater" (in highschool), where I'd move from group to group, where I'd talk to everyone, but know very few. I've been the girl that has a lot of things to do, but nothing of severe impact. I've been the girl who retreats when I get too close to a person or group, for fear they will know me, and know me well, and then reject me.
I realized that I've patterned my life now after that. I've segregated my life to the point that I can't even drive 20 minutes to everyone that matters most to me. Even geographically, I'm scattered.
I thought about how difficult this is for me, because now, more than ever, I want to belong. I want to matter.
Maybe it's about making sure that my time and my values/hopes are aligned (which at the moment, are definitely not). Maybe it's about seeing the baby steps as just as important as the big steps.
Maybe it's just about getting over my egotistical mind and finally realizing that this great world does not revolve around me. Maybe it invovles re-evaluating, if i really matter and who I matter to. Maybe it's about staying in this state of confusion, so that I can be content where I am now but that I don't have to be content to stay that way.
I guess in the end, it comes down to WHAT REALLY MATTERS?
Am I living a life that matters?
To who does it matter?
These questions are questions that I will continue to ask myself. Hopefully, I'll come up with some type of answer within this lifetime...maybe not, maybe I'll continue questioning...but maybe that's the point.
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