Goodbyes, Moments, Bikes, and Carrots

I know, it's been awhile since I've written on here.
Truth is, I still think in blogs...I look around me and wonder what the title of my next blog could be and then spend a couple seconds, minutes, even hours thinking about it. Hard to believe, I know, with the lack of writing that has gone up on this wall lately...but here's a new one...and hopefully this will start the trend to many more this summer/year.

This week has been a bit of a whirlwind for me. Not only am I hormonal, but I've had to say goodbye to someone who I rely on and see almost everyday, I've watched and been inspired by 5 incredible women who have not only graduated high school but have managed to accomplish such a feat with baby in hand (what an inspiration), I've been given one of the best presents that has been used almost everyday since it's been given to me, and I've been challenged by some very eccentric people who don't even know my name (Carrot lady and the wise and beautiful writings of Sark).

Lately, I've been having a tough time feeling content and satisfied with my life. I know, when I'm being rational, that I have a good one. I have a great family, amazing friends, a good job, a roof over my head, and food to indulge in. But something has continued to feel like it's missing. Maybe because I don't feel like I do my job adequately. I am positive there are many people out there who can do a far better job than I can. Inadequacy SUCKS.
Maybe because I listen to stories about how my friends have been on all these wild adventures, to places all around the world (or how they have a trip planned to go) (Morocco, Thailand, Australia, Nicarauga, Ecuador, etc). I guess I've just been questioning when it's going to be my turn. When I am going to be the one who comes back with stories of how I helped? or How I was helped? When I am going to be the one who comes back changed, even a little bit, because of a positive encounter with people who are able to change me? and seriously, When I am going to be the person leaving instead of the person being left?
When am I going to start seeing my life as something worthwhile? What am I going to do, or not do, to make a difference?
To be honest, I know the answers to a lot of these questions. I just have to do it. I have to be the one to take the step. I have to be the one who leaves. And maybe there's something in me that doesn't want that either.

Late Monday night (or early Tuesday morning) I had to say goodbye to someone who has become a huge part of my life and family. I'm the WORST at missing people (I don't know anyone who is actually that good at it though). One of the last things he said to me was, "Take it one moment at at a time"
This has stuck with me (at least for this week anyways). I realized that so much can be accomplished in a moment. I realized that in one moment I can be hugging the most incredible person I know. I realized that in one moment I can get a good throw of the frisbee or flick it straight and hard. I realized that I can look a baby in the eyes and see why we need to become more child-like. I realized that I can hose down a dirty toy for a baby to play with this summer, get wet while doing it and know that it'll dry. I realized that I can lie in my bed with my red blanket wrapped around me and think about all the events of the day. I realized that I can sit and share drinks and a meal with a best friend and we can talk about where we want to go and what we want do. I realized that in a moment, I can share confessions with her. I realized that in a moment my cell phone can ring and it can be that familiar voice that I've saved all my moments in my head for so that I can tell him everything. I realized that in a moment, I can lick an ice cream cone, creepily search FB and listen to the new coldplay album with a great friend. I realized that in a moment I can be happy, and in a moment (particuarly when I'm hormonal) I can cry, I realized that in a moment I can choose that. I hope this lesson continues throughout the next few weeks, throughout the summer and throughout my life.

On Wednesday, I had the honour and privilege of watching five incredible women graduate high-school. Some of them are 21 years old and it has taken them 7 years to do so. But on Wednesday, I witnessed a small miracle. I listened as these girls thanked the few supports they had in their lives. I listened (and yes, definitely cried), as they thanked their children for changing their lives. I realized that so many people think teen pregnancy is such a horrible thing. After watching this display of beauty, love, and accomplishment, I would like to argue the exact opposite. The fact is, for many of this mothers, they have taken a step toward no longer being a statistic, they have decided to take responsibility for their own lives (and their childrens) and believe in themselves and their dreams (mannn, I can hardly do this and I'm childless and 23). As someone who hates the idea of societal success, or progression, I'm just proud that they set out to do something and be someone, and that dream has become a reality for them. This has changed me a little (or A LOT).

This week has also been full of unique surprises. My boyfriend got me my DREAM bike. I have been riding it everyday since. It's actually INCREDIBLE. ( I'll post a picture soon). But I've noticed that since riding it, my attention to my surroundings has increased. The other day, I rode my bike home from an exercise class at the gym. It was raining a little, and I realized that nature is sooo green in the rain. That things come ALIVE in the rain and as romantic and probably vommitty as that may sound, it also changed me a little.
On our last day together, we went to Kensington market, one of my favourite places in Toronto. While walking up and down the streets, there were many many people to watch and listen to. There was one in particular, she was on the other side of the street. She was decked in a hippy-like dress (I'm pretty sure it was some form of tie-die/flowers), with sandles only a peace-loving women would wear. She had long long fraying hair that was tied into, you guessed it, a bun! This was your stereotypical hippy woman. But that's not what caught me eye (or my ears!), she was singing at the top of her lungs (literally) into a carrot. Her eyes were closed like she had entered into another world where she was standing on a stage and she had an audience below (I'm pretty sure the carrot acted as a the microphone in her fantasy world). I'm sure maybe people walking by looked in bewilderment. I'm sure my face even gave off that impression. But there was something beautiful about it. I remember telling my boyfriend that that is freedom. I think that's incredible. While I may not put a tie-die dress on, with birkenstock-like sandles and try and fit my not-long enough hair into a bun and sing at the top of my lungs on the street, I decided that I wanted to find out what my carrot will be. What will be freedom to me.

I've found that the more questions I ask about myself and my life, the more the answers appear.
My best friend (who LOVES books), loaned me this book by Sark called "Eat Mangoes Naked". This book has actually really changed my perspective on things. Sark is trying to show that pleasure is within us and we just need to see it in our own lives. She takes you through different ways of experiencing and acknowledging pleasure.

Coming to the end of my blog, I realized that I AM OKAY. That even though I can't pin-point exactly what the Carrot-lady inside of me is, I know I am free. I know that I can sit in my living room with pillows comforting my body and the blanket that Sim bought me in NC around my legs, drinking my diet-cranberry pop from a straw, watching the rain fall and hit the trees so gently, listening to the birds become ecstatic because they get to find worms more easily, and I love knowing that that is an adventure all its own. I have an incredible life that will continue to be filled with times of pain, struggle, love, joy, hope, seperation, togetherness, carrots and microphones. And I know that I will be okay.

I am seen.

I am known.

I am loved.

Know that you are too.