Ring the Bells

I was driving home last night thinking about being a "christian". I had just "heard" (I wasn't paying attention as much as I should've been--whatever that really means?) a sermon that morning on being a disciple of Christ. Mostly that we need to intentially be sharing the message of grace and hope, that we need to embrace suffering, etc. I get it. I mean, my head gets it, and I'd like to think my heart does too, but I'm not so sure.
I found myself so frustrated.
Frustrated that I couldn't listen and maybe more so, frustrated that I WOULDN'T listen. I think for the most part, I'm just frustrated, and tired.
It's been a long time since I've felt this way, uneasy, discontent, and pain. I think what frustrates me most is that I don't know where these feelings have come from. There are so many words that went through my mind that I'm soooo sick of hearing, the "christian lingo" so to speak, such as the word CALL.
What the hell does that mean?
I was "called" to be here.
I don't feel "called" to do that.
I guess maybe I haven't been someone who was "called" to do anything, or maybe I was simply "called" to do everything.
I can remember, sitting on the step of the dining hall with Jill. I remember being so upset because I couldn't figure out my "calling" in life. I couldn't figure out why God was so evidently "calling" others and not me. Was I missing something? Was I not valuable or worthy enough to hear the hand cupped around the mouth, booming voice of God? (*note sarcasm in that sentence). I remember Jill looking at me and saying, "we are ALL called for the same purpose and reason... that is to love." She went on to say that it doesn't matter what you do in life, you could clean toilets, sit at a reception desk and write blogs, or even become the CEO of a company, it really doesn't matter, because in the end, if there is no love, there is no purpose, and inevitably, there is no calling.
I think my frustration also showed me that we as christ-followers need to be very sensitive and careful in our vocabulary, specifically when talking about our relationship with our Christ. I think for me, I was so upset, not because I didn't feel "called" to a specific life or decision, etc, but because I thought so many others had. I can still remember one girl coming and telling me that she felt "called" to "minister" by making shit loads of money in becoming a lawyer in a divorce court. Don't get me wrong, maybe that's the direction she wanted to go, maybe it's the direction she was in fact "called" to. I think that we live in a fucked up fantasy world if we think that in order to have a purpose, in order to attain or achieve anything, we need to be "called" to it. Maybe I missed the boat, maybe I didn't get the post-it not on my door when I woke up so many mornings ago, maybe I don't read into "signs from God" enough to know that what I'm thinking of doing is right or wrong depending on if the stop light turns red on the count of 5 or if it stays green.
As I slowly became more and more frustrated, which in turn switched to anger, I started BLARING Jon Bon Jovi. There is this song on his newest album called Bells of Freedom. It's a rather empowering song. The one line that caught me was:

"Just reach out and ring the bells of freedom. When your world's crashing down like you've lost every round, Stand your ground, And ring the bells of freedom"

If there is such "calling" in one's life, it is to be FREE.
We are created in the image of Christ, we are PERFECT children saved only in his sincere and unconditional grace. Because of this, we have been given a brain and a heart for a reason. To embark upon our own adventures of love. I feel like this sounds as cliche as the word "call", but in reality, isn't that truth?
I need to reach out and ring the bells of freedom. That is the life of me, whether that be through cleaning toilets or continuing to write blogs, bored and tired out of my mind at this reception desk, maybe you live in a life of callings...and you might just be right in that, I hope that I'm not trying to justify the life I live in saying that I don't necessarily believe in "callings" the way I see and understand them. I believe in one calling, if you can even define it as that, I believe we are required and asked to love. We are invited to find freedom, cling to it, and share it. Freedom is a beautiful word, filled with so much hope, inspiration, and love. That is the life I want.