Size LARGE

The last few days, I've gone to the mall.
Which, already, is my first issue.
I hate the mall.
I used to love shopping. I loved getting a new outfit, it actually made my week to be able to wear something new.
I don't know when it happened, but suddenly I entered the mall, and hated EVERY minute of being there.
I think mostly because it makes me feel like shit.
Not only, b/c I don't have the latest fashions, but also because I can't afford the latest fashions.
And if I'm being totally honest here, it goes further, to issues of self image. I feel ugly, fat and inadequate.
When I walk into a store and see manequins wearing the coolest outfit and try and emulate that, it NEVER looks the same on me.
I've always faced issues with being "fat". It never ever leaves my mind. I'm constantly sizing myself against the next person that walks by. I feel more comfortable in a crowd if there's someone who is bigger than me.
My friend told me she wants to start a clothing company called, "Truth", where the sizes are the ACTUAL sizes. Where an XS, doesn't just fit on my pinky, but can actually fit someone who should be wearing an XS.
I don't think there was a second in my mind yesterday at the mall, where I wasn't working out the next diet I was going to go on. Or, promise myself that it was going to be Thin-fast shakes from now on. Only so I can go into a store and be able to put on anything I want and look good in it.
THE WORST, is when you are in a change room and the lady comes around and asks if you need a different size. Even if the L didn't fit and I need to go to the XL, I REFUSE to tell her that. She's probably a size 1 maybe 2. In my mind, she'll see me as obese and think that I need to go on a diet of Thin-fast shakes.
It's the worst feeling in the world, to feel fat, and then further, to believe that the truth is you are FAT.
For me, I always assume that that's why boys don't like me. And the reason that I've never really been in a relationship. I know I know it's illogical thinking. But, it's my thinking.
It's gotten so bad that sometimes, when I see a couple and the girl is bigger, I'm ALWAYS surprised. But WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!
It's easy for people, especially my friends and family, to look at me and tell me I'm beautiful. And yes, to an extent that makes me feel a little better. But the feeling of beauty never lasts.
I've tried to tell myself that I'm pretty, I've tried to look in a mirror and say to myself "you're beautiful", but I've never believed it. I don't really know if I ever will.
It's so easy to see beauty in others, but not in ourselves.
I guess it's the messed up world we live in.
I wish I could change my thinking, I wish I could change what I value about myself.
I'm just not sure how.