Red Carpet

Wow, it's been quite sometime since I've sat down to write on here.
A lot has happened.
My trip to NC was incredible. I became obsessed with collecting shells. It was also so fun to spend an entire week with 4 incredible people in my life, just us, the ocean and some beautiful musical stylings of Pat and Chris Martin. I'll probably write more about my trip later. Since I've come back, my life has been a whirlwind. I found that after spending so much time just being, spending time with people that care about me, and vice versa, and having many MANY meaningful conversations, it was so hard to return to the reality of a busy life.
Since, I've been thinking a lot about the choices I've made, the choices I'm going to be making, and my increased amount of stress and fear around all of these decisions.
I'll try and be as coherent as possible as I continue to type but I apologize in advance if this blog doesn't make sense. In many ways, it's a reflection of what my brain/heart looks like right now. Just a moment ago I realized how truly beautiful that confusion is.
As already mentioned in a previous blog, my critical view of "worship" music has begun to evolve. I went to a free starfield concert last night. It was great to watch some of my favourite people google in awe at their musical heroes. Even though, in my mind, I couldn't help but think that they are so much better then the people on stage. I looked around this decked out church. On every light fixture a wooden cross was found. The bathroom, had beautiful marble counters with fresh flowers in the vase. During the "concert", which the lead singer kept referring to as "church", my eyes kept darting around at the variety of "visually pleasing aesthetics". I began to wonder, is this place where Jesus would spend his time?
As I watched words like "All for you, I'm letting go"; " I want to be a revolution" (which my friend pointed out, isn't even right, a revolution implies way more than just one person, he quickly changed it to "we") flash across the screen, I began wondering what goes through God's mind when He's watching, and even further, I wondered if God felt invited into this "worship". Please don't read this wrong. I believe that there are sincere and authentic hearts singing these beautiful words and poems to the God that they serve and love, and I do believe that God sees that as beautiful and pleasing to Him. But further, I think He thinks that our version of "worship" is a little warped. When such inspiring, authentic, broken and real words are combined with flashy lights, smoke machines, and red carpet, I can't help but think that this "party" isn't one that Jesus would've partaken in.
I was thinking out loud last with a friend, that Jesus' feet were not feet to walk upon red carpet, but instead where feet that walked in the dirt, in the mud, in utter shit sometimes. Even though these are just feet, I think something can be learned from this opposition of ground. Red carpet signifies comfort, complecancy, and indifference. The mud, dirt and shit, signfies struggle, reality, adventure, and LOVE.
I thought to myself, particularly as I prepare myself to graduate university, get a job and begin life, that I have come to a fork in the road. I can continue on the red carpet (it is my fav colour after all), I can continue being comfortable, I can continue justifying my actions, my speech, my purchases, my life away. OR (man, I LOVE that word--- OR). I can take the risk, and begin walking on the dirt path. In my mind, and even biblically, this path is not well groomed, well kept, or well walked. Which leads me to believe all the more, that this is the path for me.
It's a scary thought, it's scary because it's one of those few times in life that you have to step on your own, and yes, many many other feet might meet up with you to join on that dirt path. But inevitably, it's up to ME. Inevitably, I might be a lone walker.
I've also been doing a lot of thinking about risk and relationships. Over the past few months there have been a couple of relationships in my life that have constantly challenged me and spurred me on towards taking the risk. It's interesting because I've never wanted to take this risk before. Having met these people (some of them have been around for a bit and just recently our relationship has become real and authentic), it makes me, in the words of Jack Nicholson from As Good As Its Gets, want to be a better person.
Risk...such a scary word.
The other day I was talking to one of my friends about risking a friendship for something more. While, this is a topic all on it's own, it really made me realize that ideally in any relationship, romantic or not, we would be willing to risk it for the other person. We'd be willing to risk security, comfort and safety for the people we desire to care about, love, and protect. Crazy eh?!
As for the risking friendship for something more, I don't know. I realize in many situations it must be done. I was talking to another good friend, who reminded me to find my freedom in being content with where I am, who I am, and more importantly WHO I'm WITH (not in a romantic, marriage-type relationship). For me, right now, I'm willing to risk. At this very moment, I'm willing to to step out and hope that maybe, if not even right now, you'll step out with me. I reminded myself today, that I have to be okay if I do end up flying solo, but I'm going to go out on a limb (go out on a risk, you could say), and believe that I'm not going to be alone.
This confusion and frustration of where life can go, where it should go, it's stressful, it's worrysome, and all the while, it's WELL worth it.
You are worth it to me.
You have shown me that I'm worth it to you.
And that, I am so thankful for.