WARNING: thinking in OVERDRIVE ahead.

After another night of tossing and turning, I decided maybe it's about time to write another one of these therapeutic blogs. My brain is/has been on overdrive for the last week, overdrive might be a bit of an understatement, but for lack of a better word, I'll use overdrive. This state of thinking happens every so often. For the most part, I love when new things come to me, but I've noticed that the process of thinking is difficult and frustrating.
I'd like to think that a core value I have is my relationships. I hope that the people closest to me, know without a doubt that they are important, loved, and so so so valued by me. Maybe I began thinking about relationships because over the last few months I have been involved with people who have shown me raw love, community, and care. So much so that I began wondering what REAL relationships require. Here's my thinking so far:
I've realized that I should rename my blog, RISK...that's usually what everything comes back to anyways.
Life is a one ball of RISK.
In each and every decision we make, there is the risk that it was/is wrong. For some things this risk becomes easy. Chocolate or Vanilla? CHOCOLATE. Fine dining or Pizza? PIZZA. Inside or outside? OUTSIDE. There is little to no risk, because I know what I prefer. I know my favourites, and it's easy to always choose that.
On the other hand, there are many MANY big decisions and risks that we make and take. I think for me, the biggest decisions ALWAYS involve more than one person, they are always bigger than me. I think that's why it becomes so hard to choose or decide that risk.
After talking to a good friend yesterday, I had a "light-bulb" moment, if you will.
To give a little bit of a preface to this light-bulb occurence, there's something you need to know about me. Something that probably by reading my past blogs you'll already understand. I don't like risk. I don't like the thought of going out on a limb, stepping out, further, putting my heart on the line, to have the potential of it breaking or being rejected. The thought of that even, makes me sick.
It's funny how things work out though, because what I'm beginning to see is that risk in any relationship is necessary. Not only is it necessary, but by risking, you're attributing and giving worth to someone. I'd like to go even one step further to say that when risking, when choosing to go out on a limb, when choosing (ohhh gosh, here comes the forbidden word) to be vulnerable enough to share your heart with someone, something so beautiful happens. You give ULTIMATE worth and value to the person you're choosing to take the risk on.
I don't know if this makes sense.
For someone who doesn't like risk, it scares the shit out of me. The other funny thing too is, is to think that people will take risks on me. I think that thought scares me even more. To think that someone values ME enough to risk blows my mind. I don't even know how often this really happens.
My friend once told me, after she read one of her many books, that we need to understand that we are worth it.
I am worth it.
That's a hard concept to grasp. It's hard because all too often, we don't allow people to be worth it to us. We don't allow people to enter into our hearts and our world, for fear of what? Being rejected?
I'm beginning to think that the positive outcomes and benefits that are associated with risk-taking far outweigh the fear, and even the reality of being rejected. Even in taking little risks with the people most important to me, I've seen the benefit of risk taking.
I know that risk-taking isn't an attribute that comes over night... I'm not even sure if it's something you can DECIDE to do. Maybe it is. All I know is that, it's worth it.
One of my greatest insecurities is that I won't be worth it. That I won't be enough.
I will fail. I will be replaced. I will be rejected.
The truth is, that will be the case for some people. The kinda crazy part about that is I'm okay with that.
I'm okay with that, because I'd like to believe that to someone I'm worth it. I am enough, I'm more than enough. I won't ever be replaced, and further, my heart will be protected rather than rejected.
I realize this might sound all over the place, so if you take anything from this, just know that you are worth it.
At the end of the day, I'd like to believe that when you care so much for someone, their heart/needs are put before your own. I think that this makes taking the risk a little easier, because in the end, your heart will be protected.
I've come the end of my thinking process.
Thank you for listening/reading this babble, I apologize if it's ambiguous or confusing.
You're worth it.
If not to anyone else, you're worth it to me.
If you're like me and think like me, please be reminded (and I'll remind myself while typing this) that to someone, even if it's just ONE person, you are enough, FAR MORE than enough, you are so special, you are SO worth it to someone. So take the risk.