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Thursday, September 24, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Fred Earl Nelles ( January 14th 1930 - January 17th 2009) Until We Meet Again...
My gramps recently passed away from pancreatic cancer...
This was the eulogy I wrote for him:
To Grampa,
Wow...where to begin?!Well I've been thinking over the last few weeks how much of an influence you've had on my life.From Fair Haven's trips every summer, to sitting in the back of your baby blue pick up truck pretending to fish, to spending countless hours swimming in the pool or lake and pretending you were a submarine (you were such a trooper), to many many scoops of ice-cream (even on rainy days), to helping you downstairs in your workshop when I would come for sleepovers, to always sitting beside you at gatherings, and your famous grace every family dinner (I would always know and point out to you when you changed it up, even a little).
You were always a man of few words, but never once did I doubt that you loved me (and often it made me listen to the words you did so eloquently speak). You have given me over the last 24 years of my life, such a strong example of faith, service and unconditional love. For that, I will forever be thankful.
If I could describe you in three words here's what they would be:
1.) A Hero: a man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities. Gramps, you were nothing short of that. You continually saught out ways in which to help and love people. Your countless giftings have benefited us all at somepoint, often many points, in our lives. Your acts of service never went unnoticed and you will always be an incredible example to me of someone who put the needs of others far before his own...a true mark of a hero.
2.) An Inspiration: you are a true testament to the phrase, "lead by example" You have influenced so many people by just being you. Your patience and easy going personality made it so easy to approach you and be around you. Your contentment and peace in life, even in the last few months before you died, is something so rare. I remember coming to see you at the house a couple weeks before you went back into the hospital. You were getting tired and you reclined the lazy-boy and put your head back to take a rest. I remember looking at you as you drifted off to sleep with a big grin on your face. When I think back to that, I am convinced it is because you were happy with where you were, surrounded by people that love you. and finally,
3.) A Legacy: I don't know how much explaining this word needs. You have been such an important part of life to so many people. Your faith in God was constantly lived out through the way you loved and served people daily. I'm so thankful to have had a Grampa like you, to teach me, encourage me and love me. Know that a part of you will always live on in my heart and that I will always be challenged by the way you lived life...through simplicity, through love and through God.
Thank you for being you, for being a hero, an inspiration, and now to leave your legacy. Thank you for all you taught me, for all the rich memories you have given me, and for always being the best Grampa you could be.
I love you Grampa.
Until we meet again,
your Handy.
**NOTE** Thank you to everyone who loved me through this rough time and continues to help me through it. Your love, care, and encouragement have not gone unnoticed and I appreciate you more than you know. There are not enough words of thanks for my gratitude. BIG BIG LOVE.
This was the eulogy I wrote for him:
To Grampa,
Wow...where to begin?!Well I've been thinking over the last few weeks how much of an influence you've had on my life.From Fair Haven's trips every summer, to sitting in the back of your baby blue pick up truck pretending to fish, to spending countless hours swimming in the pool or lake and pretending you were a submarine (you were such a trooper), to many many scoops of ice-cream (even on rainy days), to helping you downstairs in your workshop when I would come for sleepovers, to always sitting beside you at gatherings, and your famous grace every family dinner (I would always know and point out to you when you changed it up, even a little).
You were always a man of few words, but never once did I doubt that you loved me (and often it made me listen to the words you did so eloquently speak). You have given me over the last 24 years of my life, such a strong example of faith, service and unconditional love. For that, I will forever be thankful.
If I could describe you in three words here's what they would be:
1.) A Hero: a man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities. Gramps, you were nothing short of that. You continually saught out ways in which to help and love people. Your countless giftings have benefited us all at somepoint, often many points, in our lives. Your acts of service never went unnoticed and you will always be an incredible example to me of someone who put the needs of others far before his own...a true mark of a hero.
2.) An Inspiration: you are a true testament to the phrase, "lead by example" You have influenced so many people by just being you. Your patience and easy going personality made it so easy to approach you and be around you. Your contentment and peace in life, even in the last few months before you died, is something so rare. I remember coming to see you at the house a couple weeks before you went back into the hospital. You were getting tired and you reclined the lazy-boy and put your head back to take a rest. I remember looking at you as you drifted off to sleep with a big grin on your face. When I think back to that, I am convinced it is because you were happy with where you were, surrounded by people that love you. and finally,
3.) A Legacy: I don't know how much explaining this word needs. You have been such an important part of life to so many people. Your faith in God was constantly lived out through the way you loved and served people daily. I'm so thankful to have had a Grampa like you, to teach me, encourage me and love me. Know that a part of you will always live on in my heart and that I will always be challenged by the way you lived life...through simplicity, through love and through God.
Thank you for being you, for being a hero, an inspiration, and now to leave your legacy. Thank you for all you taught me, for all the rich memories you have given me, and for always being the best Grampa you could be.
I love you Grampa.
Until we meet again,
your Handy.
**NOTE** Thank you to everyone who loved me through this rough time and continues to help me through it. Your love, care, and encouragement have not gone unnoticed and I appreciate you more than you know. There are not enough words of thanks for my gratitude. BIG BIG LOVE.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Lessons Learned from a MASTER
well, i have an incredible boyfriend who actually inspired one of my experiments of truth from a previous blog--learning to think in the "If I think I can do it, I can" mentality.
which is such a hard concept to grasp.
of all people to be able to do this though, it's him.
which is such a hard concept to grasp.
of all people to be able to do this though, it's him.
at Christmas he made a lot of his presents for people, including a BEAUTIFUL hand carved lion book box for one of his small group guys...it was soo crazy.
it brought me back to this one day we were driving in the niagara region and on the side of the road at the end of someone's drive-way, there were people selling beautiful hand carved statues. These statues must've taken so much time to make. Of course, Sim turns to me and says, "It can't be THAT hard to do that eh?!" In which case I looked him, laughed a little and then realized he was serious. I proceeded to respond to the question in disgust that he would mock the time and effort, potentially sweat and tears the creator must've gone through to make that.
Little did I know that Sim was actually going to try it...and wildly succeed.
He developed this theory, "If you think you can, you can." It's really inspired me to do a lot of things. It has helped me face some of my fears. Yesterday I sang in front of a bunch of people...something I hadn't done in 5 years and something I thought would never be done again. I know this year will hold many, IF I THINK I CAN, I CAN moments, but to be honest with you, I'm rather excited.
Sim always calls himself a "jack of all trades, master of none." BUT I would argue that knowing the goodness of life and having the confidence to that, makes you a master of life.
So, here I go...we'll see where this takes me, but I'm quite enthusiastic about the outcomes of having such a perspective and look forward to the many MANY adventures I will be able to take because of this new philosophy.
it brought me back to this one day we were driving in the niagara region and on the side of the road at the end of someone's drive-way, there were people selling beautiful hand carved statues. These statues must've taken so much time to make. Of course, Sim turns to me and says, "It can't be THAT hard to do that eh?!" In which case I looked him, laughed a little and then realized he was serious. I proceeded to respond to the question in disgust that he would mock the time and effort, potentially sweat and tears the creator must've gone through to make that.
Little did I know that Sim was actually going to try it...and wildly succeed.
He developed this theory, "If you think you can, you can." It's really inspired me to do a lot of things. It has helped me face some of my fears. Yesterday I sang in front of a bunch of people...something I hadn't done in 5 years and something I thought would never be done again. I know this year will hold many, IF I THINK I CAN, I CAN moments, but to be honest with you, I'm rather excited.
Sim always calls himself a "jack of all trades, master of none." BUT I would argue that knowing the goodness of life and having the confidence to that, makes you a master of life.
So, here I go...we'll see where this takes me, but I'm quite enthusiastic about the outcomes of having such a perspective and look forward to the many MANY adventures I will be able to take because of this new philosophy.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Experiments with Truth (Part B: Here's to 2009)
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, last year I tried this out and realized that my list was FAR too long to accomplish a lot of the experiments.
This year I have narrowed it down:
- hold others in the highest regard.
- to take better care of myself and others.
- to remember that I am OKAY
- to adopt the theory: "If I think I can, I can." ---(it's all in your head--right Sim?)
- to get over at least 3 fears. (along with this: to try new things)
- maintain the budget I have created.
- to blog more.
The end.
This year I have narrowed it down:
- hold others in the highest regard.
- to take better care of myself and others.
- to remember that I am OKAY
- to adopt the theory: "If I think I can, I can." ---(it's all in your head--right Sim?)
- to get over at least 3 fears. (along with this: to try new things)
- maintain the budget I have created.
- to blog more.
The end.
Experiments with Truth (Part A: The Greatness of 2008)
I decided to get back into this blog thing. Starting the year off right with my highlights:
- Beginning 2008 with such incredible people at the Pancake House for, as Steve calls it, a "Papa No" breakfast.
- Beginning 2008 with such incredible people at the Pancake House for, as Steve calls it, a "Papa No" breakfast.
- Going on a hike on New Year's Day with Sim, by beautiful waterfalls and incredible amounts of snow.
- South Ovary Reunions
- Anti-Valentine's Day dinner made by Sim (great homemade pizza and chocolate covered strawberries). Watching Love Actually for the first time. Getting roses from Sim's dad. Feeling greatly loved.
- Week-long live in named Luke, while the parents were in Georgia.
- Driving Luke home for reading break and going bowling with him, his brother and Cam.
- Watching Dumb and Dumber multiple times with Sim.
- Getting an amazing peice of art and comfort from Sim to remind me how loved I am while he went to Ecuador for 2 weeks.
- Going to Pennsylvania with my mom and Krista, drinking raspberry flavoured Smirnoff mixed with Orange Juice, Olive Garden break-sticks, and many funny moments.
- Tea- Dates and confesh time with Cait.
- Sim's birthday with good friends and family...with candle lit house and Taboo.
- Pat Robitaille concerts with good friends.
- Finding Nirvana...after 1.5 hours of searching for a secret good restaurant.
- Switchfoot Concert in Buffalo with good friends.
- Breakfast at Benny's with Rach.
- Baking experiments with Luke.
- Making many home-cooked dinners with Sim.
- Good Friday hike with The Underground
- Good Friday celebrations at Sim's with good friends and family.
- Family dinners with Sim's family.
- Spring Retreat--last amazing memories with my beautiful small group.
- North Carolina 2007--good friends, swimming in the ocean, SHELL searching, CONCH ISLAND, camping, good food, NYC, ghetto hotels, walking around central park, dinner in little Italy. BEST.
- getting the BEST bike from Sim.
- discovering and reading Sark.
- Summer 2007--ultimate frisbee and spending a lot of time with matt and cait, visiting Sim, sleep-overs with Liane, going to Pelee Island with mom, deb and ollie's wedding, Fuel--challenging and facing fears, but good.
- MEETING HOLLY!!--Sim's beautiful puppy
- breakfasts with Krista-belle
- my birthday, with good friends, good memories, a lot of FUN. biking by the falls, olive garden--Dumb and Dumber.
- challenging times--mom's health and grampa--overcoming and being comforted by people and friends that love me.
- thanksgiving--my family, sim's family, long hikes with Holly.
- Fall Retreat with a new, and great, small group.
- deciding to go on a missions trip to Ecuador
- Ecuador training and getting to know the team I will be going with.
- celebrating Ben's birthday
- avocado and brie sandwiches along with Arizona's
- breakfast for dinner and OC watching.
- breakfast for dinner and OC watching.
- dinners and coffee dates with new and great friends and small group girls.
- Simon Beck coming home for Christmas--CAA angels and breakfast lunches at Benny's
- Wine and Cheese at Cait and Deb/Olivers.
- Christmas banquet and Street Run with the Underground.
- baking A LOT with Sim and Matt and Cait.
- home church on Sunday nights with Robbie, Rach, Sam and Sim--good conversations and a lot of FUN.
- Snowstorms that let you leave work early, lock you in your house and make you finish homemade christmas presents.
- working on Sim's present with my dad in the workshop.
- Christmas Eve with the Marlows
- Christmas day with just the fam.
- Boxing day with Gramps and Sim's family. Playing rockband with Sim, his brother and sister. giving Sim his tea-box, matching hats from Dorrett.
- Nat's wedding--catching up with old friends and dancing our hearts out.
- Christmas dinner with Rach, Sim, Simon Beck, Robbie and Gareth.
- celebrating with Matt and Cait (they're ENGAGED!)
- Heroes watching with Emma and Ben.
- Tobogganing with my people on New Years.
There are definitely many many other memories. Both good and bad happened this year. The last few months have been particularly hard, with family, work, and health. I hope for those of you that have been affected by this, that you know that I'm so thankful for you. I don't know where I'd be without your love, support, prayer, encouragement and grace.
So Long 2008, BRING ON 2009!!!
Some photo proof (mainly of my bests):
There are definitely many many other memories. Both good and bad happened this year. The last few months have been particularly hard, with family, work, and health. I hope for those of you that have been affected by this, that you know that I'm so thankful for you. I don't know where I'd be without your love, support, prayer, encouragement and grace.
So Long 2008, BRING ON 2009!!!
Some photo proof (mainly of my bests):
Cait and I in North Carolina
Rach, Me, Robbie and Simon Beck on the Good Friday Hike
Some of the South Ovs during a reunion at Snooty
My beautiful girls
The greatest puppy...HOLLY (she's a lot bigger now)
Me and my favourite person in the world, Sim.
Cheers to 2008... Bring on 2009!
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Present-Tense
The past few weeks have been sooo interesting.
They have been good, hard, hurt-filled and healing.
A lot of my thinking has changed. I no longer hate the church I serve at. Mostly, because I realize that it hasn't and never will be the structural building or vision or mission of the church that can make it good...but the people. Without being a part of this place, I would've never met the people that for the most have changed my world...definitely for the better.
I've also realized that I'm extremely influenced by the people that I most love and respect in my life. For the last little while, I realized that I kept owning opinions, actions and decisions of other people.
Going to Fuel was the beginning of me becoming ME.
I learned A LOT that week, thanks to a lot of people...both there and not there. But when I came home, I realized that God was working in such a unique way to make me comfortable in who I am.
I don't know where my life is going from here...I know that I'm choosing to own my OWN. I love people. I love being wherever they are. Hamilton, Oakville, or Toronto, or Timbucktoo...seriously.
I love laughing.
I love spending time with people that know ME. and give me a safe space to be me...I love people that FREE me.
This past Saturday was definitely one of those days for me, where the smile on my face did not fade. It started with a late night before of making glorious avocado sandwiches with my favourite person and watching a documentary on East Africa while playing with the cutest puppy in the world. I went home and was dreading the early morning ahead. But I woke up and drove in listening to the top 40 (definitely good for my soul) and met some great friends for a delicious breakfast at Bennys!
I then, drove into Toronto (and FOUND my way around...HOLLA) and met a good friend for tea...and there was some beautiful moments in that tea-shoppe...broken and hard, but BEAUTIFUL.
I then, moved on to spend time with an old friend of mine...we grew up together and haven't seen each other in years. We spent 4 hours at a toronto restaurant...half inside half outside, watching the rain fall (but not on us)...we shared some wine and reminiced about the good ol' days. We also looked forward to many more hang outs and the reunion of a good good friendship. I laughed SO hard and sooo long!
I then went and spent some time with a new friend from this summer and some other great people that I hope will develop into good friendships.
The next day, I went and spent time with my family for my gramma's 80th birthday. It was pretty inspiring to sit there and hear about how my gramma impacted soo many people, I definitely hope someday to be like her.
So why am I going over all this?
Well, as much as the weekend was incredible, life has been somewhat hard lately...with thinking about things, changing friendships, and work...there's been a lot of stress.
I'm at the point where I need to focus on the good and love the present tense.
One of the coolest youth guys that I know had this quote that said, "The God of the present tense" and I believe this is one of the many lessons I'm learning lately.
So here's to the old, the new, the changed, the free, the broken, the hurt, the tears, the laughter, the people, THE PRESENT.
They have been good, hard, hurt-filled and healing.
A lot of my thinking has changed. I no longer hate the church I serve at. Mostly, because I realize that it hasn't and never will be the structural building or vision or mission of the church that can make it good...but the people. Without being a part of this place, I would've never met the people that for the most have changed my world...definitely for the better.
I've also realized that I'm extremely influenced by the people that I most love and respect in my life. For the last little while, I realized that I kept owning opinions, actions and decisions of other people.
Going to Fuel was the beginning of me becoming ME.
I learned A LOT that week, thanks to a lot of people...both there and not there. But when I came home, I realized that God was working in such a unique way to make me comfortable in who I am.
I don't know where my life is going from here...I know that I'm choosing to own my OWN. I love people. I love being wherever they are. Hamilton, Oakville, or Toronto, or Timbucktoo...seriously.
I love laughing.
I love spending time with people that know ME. and give me a safe space to be me...I love people that FREE me.
This past Saturday was definitely one of those days for me, where the smile on my face did not fade. It started with a late night before of making glorious avocado sandwiches with my favourite person and watching a documentary on East Africa while playing with the cutest puppy in the world. I went home and was dreading the early morning ahead. But I woke up and drove in listening to the top 40 (definitely good for my soul) and met some great friends for a delicious breakfast at Bennys!
I then, drove into Toronto (and FOUND my way around...HOLLA) and met a good friend for tea...and there was some beautiful moments in that tea-shoppe...broken and hard, but BEAUTIFUL.
I then, moved on to spend time with an old friend of mine...we grew up together and haven't seen each other in years. We spent 4 hours at a toronto restaurant...half inside half outside, watching the rain fall (but not on us)...we shared some wine and reminiced about the good ol' days. We also looked forward to many more hang outs and the reunion of a good good friendship. I laughed SO hard and sooo long!
I then went and spent some time with a new friend from this summer and some other great people that I hope will develop into good friendships.
The next day, I went and spent time with my family for my gramma's 80th birthday. It was pretty inspiring to sit there and hear about how my gramma impacted soo many people, I definitely hope someday to be like her.
So why am I going over all this?
Well, as much as the weekend was incredible, life has been somewhat hard lately...with thinking about things, changing friendships, and work...there's been a lot of stress.
I'm at the point where I need to focus on the good and love the present tense.
One of the coolest youth guys that I know had this quote that said, "The God of the present tense" and I believe this is one of the many lessons I'm learning lately.
So here's to the old, the new, the changed, the free, the broken, the hurt, the tears, the laughter, the people, THE PRESENT.
Monday, September 1, 2008
God promised I would be OKAY
I just got back from a week of camp...and it was such a great learning experience for so many reasons.
On Monday night, my section head, Michelle, gave us each a piece of paper and asked us to think of something God promises us or something we feel God telling us. Upon the first request to do this I had no idea what to say or more importantly what God was telling me, so I left it blank for a bit. Towards the end of the week, I realized what it was that I wanted to write down...it was that I would be OKAY.
He promised me that, and it was true....I was okay and still am.
I guess seeing that promise fulfilled made me realize that if that can be true than surely many of the promises he has given me, and others, are true as well. and that is encouraging.
Tonight I will go to sleep knowing that I am deeply loved, deeply cared for, and known by many. I am okay. I have been okay and I will continue to be okay.
I'm really tired at the moment but there will definitely be more to come!
On Monday night, my section head, Michelle, gave us each a piece of paper and asked us to think of something God promises us or something we feel God telling us. Upon the first request to do this I had no idea what to say or more importantly what God was telling me, so I left it blank for a bit. Towards the end of the week, I realized what it was that I wanted to write down...it was that I would be OKAY.
He promised me that, and it was true....I was okay and still am.
I guess seeing that promise fulfilled made me realize that if that can be true than surely many of the promises he has given me, and others, are true as well. and that is encouraging.
Tonight I will go to sleep knowing that I am deeply loved, deeply cared for, and known by many. I am okay. I have been okay and I will continue to be okay.
I'm really tired at the moment but there will definitely be more to come!
Friday, August 1, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
experiment revisited: dammit!
So, I've agreed to play in my first ever ultimate frisbee game tomorrow (first ever, meaning not just with friends where I cheat more than I play!).
Originally, I was going to bail out of the request to play by excusing myself with no skill and no confidence (I have a hard time being consistent with my tosses). But I went back and looked at my experiments with truth (from new years). Man, I've been failing in that department HUGE.
One of them was to try new things.
I realized that in not accepting the invitation to play in the game, I was being a huge chicken. I was letting my pride get the best of me.
It may seem so silly to you that I would get this worked up over a little game where the object is get a plastic disc across a line, where at the end of the game (regardless of who wins), you play games that get you "spirit points". Such games that make you look like a complete fool, games where you are on all fours and chant words like "mini tanks"....wierd, I know.
I decided that I wasn't going to let fear win again. As stupid as it might sound, this step in such a little thing, has made me see that I can take steps in bigger things in my life. I can beat my fears.
We'll see how tomorrow goes...if you think of it, send a little word up. I know I'll be shitting my pants all day tomorrow just thinking about it, but I also know that I will be okay. I'll still be living (hopefully) tomorrow night. And hopefully, I'll be a better person because of it, even in a little way.
Here are the people that made me do it:
Originally, I was going to bail out of the request to play by excusing myself with no skill and no confidence (I have a hard time being consistent with my tosses). But I went back and looked at my experiments with truth (from new years). Man, I've been failing in that department HUGE.
One of them was to try new things.
I realized that in not accepting the invitation to play in the game, I was being a huge chicken. I was letting my pride get the best of me.
It may seem so silly to you that I would get this worked up over a little game where the object is get a plastic disc across a line, where at the end of the game (regardless of who wins), you play games that get you "spirit points". Such games that make you look like a complete fool, games where you are on all fours and chant words like "mini tanks"....wierd, I know.
I decided that I wasn't going to let fear win again. As stupid as it might sound, this step in such a little thing, has made me see that I can take steps in bigger things in my life. I can beat my fears.
We'll see how tomorrow goes...if you think of it, send a little word up. I know I'll be shitting my pants all day tomorrow just thinking about it, but I also know that I will be okay. I'll still be living (hopefully) tomorrow night. And hopefully, I'll be a better person because of it, even in a little way.
Here are the people that made me do it:
Also:
Thank you. For believing in me enough to make me face my fears. Even the little ones!
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Your body needs to be held and to hold, to be touched and to touch. None of these needs is to be despised, denied, or repressed. But you have to keep searching for your body's deeper need, the need for genuine love. Every time you are able to go beyond the body's superficial desires for love, you are bringing your body home and moving toward integration and unity.
- Henri Nouwen
Again,
it's astounding to think that LOVE NEVER FAILS.
- Henri Nouwen
Again,
it's astounding to think that LOVE NEVER FAILS.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
LOVE
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the idea of love.
What it means to love, what it means to be loved, what does love even MEAN?
Does it help dictate how I act or should act? Is it supposed to? If yes, what does the action of love look like?
It's really got the best of my mind the last few days.
I think mostly because I've been the anthesis of love in my life lately.
Today, when I came home from work, I decided to really try and figure out what love is, what love looks like, and how I can reorient or refocus myself to those characteristics.
Here's what I found.
Love is patient.
Love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
LOVE never FAILS.
I know, you've probably heard this over and over again. But I would encourage you to re-read it. and re-read it. and re-read it. and re-read it (you get the point).
I would encourage you to listen, to see and to know the words deep down.
PATIENT
KIND
TRUTH
PROTECTION
TRUST
HOPE
And finally, the words that hit me most were:
NEVER FAILS
As many know, I work with a severely hurting population of women. A group of women who, for the most part, do not know love in any of it's forms. Not even one of those characteristics have been demonstrated to them. Unfortunately, they believe in a love of hurt, pain, suffering, physical, emotional, mental abuse. Unfortunately, that cycle may never end. Unfortunately, some of these women will never experience an unfailing love.
Which makes me (and probably really selfishly) sooo thankful that I do experience GREAT love.
After a phone conversation with Sim last night, I really realized how lucky (and LOVED) I am.
I have been known to have infrequent moments of irrationality (who's kidding who...if you know me, you know this is NOT true...there are many of these moments, probably on a day-to-day basis). I was having a moment or a couple moments on the phone (which DEFINITELY sucks) and it was grinding on both Sim and myself. Towards the end of the conversation, we were both just exhausted, still somewhat frustrated, but had mended things in some capacity. We said I love you and hung up.
That is when my brain went on over-drive. LOVE.
I LOVE YOU.
Powerful words.
Words that mean all of the above characteristics.
WOW.
I know that no-one is perfect. I know that we all have our moments, sometimes days, weeks, months of stepping out character, or stepping out of love. I definitely have.
The more I thought, the more I became sooo thankful that I have someone, a GREAT AND AMAZING someone who loves me. Who is patient, kind, who is not easily angered, who hardly ever brings up past events when they have been forgiven, who speaks truth to me and demands it in return, who protects and trusts me.
There have been unbelievable role models of love in my life. I want to thank you for always giving me someone to look up to.
I am incredibly lucky in the life I have.
Today, I choose love over myself.
I choose patience, kindness, truth, trust, perseverance.
I choose to medidate and think hard about each of these characteristics and how they are to be played out in my life and relationships.
The most interesting thought to me and most meaningful characteristic of love to me is that it NEVER FAILS.
When we say we love someone, that's HUGE. It means, we will do ANYTHING we can to never fail in that love. Clearly it happens, probably on a daily basis. But that's not the point (I don't think). I think the point of love never failing is that even in disappointment, anger, or hurt, love wins. Even in times of struggle, of fighting, of arguing, of disagreeing, there is an overiding knowledge that LOVE will win.
I think that's something I'm going to think of as I lie in bed tonight. Deeply loved and deeply in love (this line is not restricted to romantic love if that is what you are thinking).
LOVE NEVER FAILS....thankfully.
What it means to love, what it means to be loved, what does love even MEAN?
Does it help dictate how I act or should act? Is it supposed to? If yes, what does the action of love look like?
It's really got the best of my mind the last few days.
I think mostly because I've been the anthesis of love in my life lately.
Today, when I came home from work, I decided to really try and figure out what love is, what love looks like, and how I can reorient or refocus myself to those characteristics.
Here's what I found.
Love is patient.
Love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
LOVE never FAILS.
I know, you've probably heard this over and over again. But I would encourage you to re-read it. and re-read it. and re-read it. and re-read it (you get the point).
I would encourage you to listen, to see and to know the words deep down.
PATIENT
KIND
TRUTH
PROTECTION
TRUST
HOPE
And finally, the words that hit me most were:
NEVER FAILS
As many know, I work with a severely hurting population of women. A group of women who, for the most part, do not know love in any of it's forms. Not even one of those characteristics have been demonstrated to them. Unfortunately, they believe in a love of hurt, pain, suffering, physical, emotional, mental abuse. Unfortunately, that cycle may never end. Unfortunately, some of these women will never experience an unfailing love.
Which makes me (and probably really selfishly) sooo thankful that I do experience GREAT love.
After a phone conversation with Sim last night, I really realized how lucky (and LOVED) I am.
I have been known to have infrequent moments of irrationality (who's kidding who...if you know me, you know this is NOT true...there are many of these moments, probably on a day-to-day basis). I was having a moment or a couple moments on the phone (which DEFINITELY sucks) and it was grinding on both Sim and myself. Towards the end of the conversation, we were both just exhausted, still somewhat frustrated, but had mended things in some capacity. We said I love you and hung up.
That is when my brain went on over-drive. LOVE.
I LOVE YOU.
Powerful words.
Words that mean all of the above characteristics.
WOW.
I know that no-one is perfect. I know that we all have our moments, sometimes days, weeks, months of stepping out character, or stepping out of love. I definitely have.
The more I thought, the more I became sooo thankful that I have someone, a GREAT AND AMAZING someone who loves me. Who is patient, kind, who is not easily angered, who hardly ever brings up past events when they have been forgiven, who speaks truth to me and demands it in return, who protects and trusts me.
There have been unbelievable role models of love in my life. I want to thank you for always giving me someone to look up to.
I am incredibly lucky in the life I have.
Today, I choose love over myself.
I choose patience, kindness, truth, trust, perseverance.
I choose to medidate and think hard about each of these characteristics and how they are to be played out in my life and relationships.
The most interesting thought to me and most meaningful characteristic of love to me is that it NEVER FAILS.
When we say we love someone, that's HUGE. It means, we will do ANYTHING we can to never fail in that love. Clearly it happens, probably on a daily basis. But that's not the point (I don't think). I think the point of love never failing is that even in disappointment, anger, or hurt, love wins. Even in times of struggle, of fighting, of arguing, of disagreeing, there is an overiding knowledge that LOVE will win.
I think that's something I'm going to think of as I lie in bed tonight. Deeply loved and deeply in love (this line is not restricted to romantic love if that is what you are thinking).
LOVE NEVER FAILS....thankfully.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Goodbyes, Moments, Bikes, and Carrots
I know, it's been awhile since I've written on here.
Truth is, I still think in blogs...I look around me and wonder what the title of my next blog could be and then spend a couple seconds, minutes, even hours thinking about it. Hard to believe, I know, with the lack of writing that has gone up on this wall lately...but here's a new one...and hopefully this will start the trend to many more this summer/year.
This week has been a bit of a whirlwind for me. Not only am I hormonal, but I've had to say goodbye to someone who I rely on and see almost everyday, I've watched and been inspired by 5 incredible women who have not only graduated high school but have managed to accomplish such a feat with baby in hand (what an inspiration), I've been given one of the best presents that has been used almost everyday since it's been given to me, and I've been challenged by some very eccentric people who don't even know my name (Carrot lady and the wise and beautiful writings of Sark).
Lately, I've been having a tough time feeling content and satisfied with my life. I know, when I'm being rational, that I have a good one. I have a great family, amazing friends, a good job, a roof over my head, and food to indulge in. But something has continued to feel like it's missing. Maybe because I don't feel like I do my job adequately. I am positive there are many people out there who can do a far better job than I can. Inadequacy SUCKS.
Maybe because I listen to stories about how my friends have been on all these wild adventures, to places all around the world (or how they have a trip planned to go) (Morocco, Thailand, Australia, Nicarauga, Ecuador, etc). I guess I've just been questioning when it's going to be my turn. When I am going to be the one who comes back with stories of how I helped? or How I was helped? When I am going to be the one who comes back changed, even a little bit, because of a positive encounter with people who are able to change me? and seriously, When I am going to be the person leaving instead of the person being left?
When am I going to start seeing my life as something worthwhile? What am I going to do, or not do, to make a difference?
To be honest, I know the answers to a lot of these questions. I just have to do it. I have to be the one to take the step. I have to be the one who leaves. And maybe there's something in me that doesn't want that either.
Late Monday night (or early Tuesday morning) I had to say goodbye to someone who has become a huge part of my life and family. I'm the WORST at missing people (I don't know anyone who is actually that good at it though). One of the last things he said to me was, "Take it one moment at at a time"
This has stuck with me (at least for this week anyways). I realized that so much can be accomplished in a moment. I realized that in one moment I can be hugging the most incredible person I know. I realized that in one moment I can get a good throw of the frisbee or flick it straight and hard. I realized that I can look a baby in the eyes and see why we need to become more child-like. I realized that I can hose down a dirty toy for a baby to play with this summer, get wet while doing it and know that it'll dry. I realized that I can lie in my bed with my red blanket wrapped around me and think about all the events of the day. I realized that I can sit and share drinks and a meal with a best friend and we can talk about where we want to go and what we want do. I realized that in a moment, I can share confessions with her. I realized that in a moment my cell phone can ring and it can be that familiar voice that I've saved all my moments in my head for so that I can tell him everything. I realized that in a moment, I can lick an ice cream cone, creepily search FB and listen to the new coldplay album with a great friend. I realized that in a moment I can be happy, and in a moment (particuarly when I'm hormonal) I can cry, I realized that in a moment I can choose that. I hope this lesson continues throughout the next few weeks, throughout the summer and throughout my life.
On Wednesday, I had the honour and privilege of watching five incredible women graduate high-school. Some of them are 21 years old and it has taken them 7 years to do so. But on Wednesday, I witnessed a small miracle. I listened as these girls thanked the few supports they had in their lives. I listened (and yes, definitely cried), as they thanked their children for changing their lives. I realized that so many people think teen pregnancy is such a horrible thing. After watching this display of beauty, love, and accomplishment, I would like to argue the exact opposite. The fact is, for many of this mothers, they have taken a step toward no longer being a statistic, they have decided to take responsibility for their own lives (and their childrens) and believe in themselves and their dreams (mannn, I can hardly do this and I'm childless and 23). As someone who hates the idea of societal success, or progression, I'm just proud that they set out to do something and be someone, and that dream has become a reality for them. This has changed me a little (or A LOT).
This week has also been full of unique surprises. My boyfriend got me my DREAM bike. I have been riding it everyday since. It's actually INCREDIBLE. ( I'll post a picture soon). But I've noticed that since riding it, my attention to my surroundings has increased. The other day, I rode my bike home from an exercise class at the gym. It was raining a little, and I realized that nature is sooo green in the rain. That things come ALIVE in the rain and as romantic and probably vommitty as that may sound, it also changed me a little.
On our last day together, we went to Kensington market, one of my favourite places in Toronto. While walking up and down the streets, there were many many people to watch and listen to. There was one in particular, she was on the other side of the street. She was decked in a hippy-like dress (I'm pretty sure it was some form of tie-die/flowers), with sandles only a peace-loving women would wear. She had long long fraying hair that was tied into, you guessed it, a bun! This was your stereotypical hippy woman. But that's not what caught me eye (or my ears!), she was singing at the top of her lungs (literally) into a carrot. Her eyes were closed like she had entered into another world where she was standing on a stage and she had an audience below (I'm pretty sure the carrot acted as a the microphone in her fantasy world). I'm sure maybe people walking by looked in bewilderment. I'm sure my face even gave off that impression. But there was something beautiful about it. I remember telling my boyfriend that that is freedom. I think that's incredible. While I may not put a tie-die dress on, with birkenstock-like sandles and try and fit my not-long enough hair into a bun and sing at the top of my lungs on the street, I decided that I wanted to find out what my carrot will be. What will be freedom to me.
I've found that the more questions I ask about myself and my life, the more the answers appear.
My best friend (who LOVES books), loaned me this book by Sark called "Eat Mangoes Naked". This book has actually really changed my perspective on things. Sark is trying to show that pleasure is within us and we just need to see it in our own lives. She takes you through different ways of experiencing and acknowledging pleasure.
Coming to the end of my blog, I realized that I AM OKAY. That even though I can't pin-point exactly what the Carrot-lady inside of me is, I know I am free. I know that I can sit in my living room with pillows comforting my body and the blanket that Sim bought me in NC around my legs, drinking my diet-cranberry pop from a straw, watching the rain fall and hit the trees so gently, listening to the birds become ecstatic because they get to find worms more easily, and I love knowing that that is an adventure all its own. I have an incredible life that will continue to be filled with times of pain, struggle, love, joy, hope, seperation, togetherness, carrots and microphones. And I know that I will be okay.
I am seen.
I am known.
I am loved.
Know that you are too.
Truth is, I still think in blogs...I look around me and wonder what the title of my next blog could be and then spend a couple seconds, minutes, even hours thinking about it. Hard to believe, I know, with the lack of writing that has gone up on this wall lately...but here's a new one...and hopefully this will start the trend to many more this summer/year.
This week has been a bit of a whirlwind for me. Not only am I hormonal, but I've had to say goodbye to someone who I rely on and see almost everyday, I've watched and been inspired by 5 incredible women who have not only graduated high school but have managed to accomplish such a feat with baby in hand (what an inspiration), I've been given one of the best presents that has been used almost everyday since it's been given to me, and I've been challenged by some very eccentric people who don't even know my name (Carrot lady and the wise and beautiful writings of Sark).
Lately, I've been having a tough time feeling content and satisfied with my life. I know, when I'm being rational, that I have a good one. I have a great family, amazing friends, a good job, a roof over my head, and food to indulge in. But something has continued to feel like it's missing. Maybe because I don't feel like I do my job adequately. I am positive there are many people out there who can do a far better job than I can. Inadequacy SUCKS.
Maybe because I listen to stories about how my friends have been on all these wild adventures, to places all around the world (or how they have a trip planned to go) (Morocco, Thailand, Australia, Nicarauga, Ecuador, etc). I guess I've just been questioning when it's going to be my turn. When I am going to be the one who comes back with stories of how I helped? or How I was helped? When I am going to be the one who comes back changed, even a little bit, because of a positive encounter with people who are able to change me? and seriously, When I am going to be the person leaving instead of the person being left?
When am I going to start seeing my life as something worthwhile? What am I going to do, or not do, to make a difference?
To be honest, I know the answers to a lot of these questions. I just have to do it. I have to be the one to take the step. I have to be the one who leaves. And maybe there's something in me that doesn't want that either.
Late Monday night (or early Tuesday morning) I had to say goodbye to someone who has become a huge part of my life and family. I'm the WORST at missing people (I don't know anyone who is actually that good at it though). One of the last things he said to me was, "Take it one moment at at a time"
This has stuck with me (at least for this week anyways). I realized that so much can be accomplished in a moment. I realized that in one moment I can be hugging the most incredible person I know. I realized that in one moment I can get a good throw of the frisbee or flick it straight and hard. I realized that I can look a baby in the eyes and see why we need to become more child-like. I realized that I can hose down a dirty toy for a baby to play with this summer, get wet while doing it and know that it'll dry. I realized that I can lie in my bed with my red blanket wrapped around me and think about all the events of the day. I realized that I can sit and share drinks and a meal with a best friend and we can talk about where we want to go and what we want do. I realized that in a moment, I can share confessions with her. I realized that in a moment my cell phone can ring and it can be that familiar voice that I've saved all my moments in my head for so that I can tell him everything. I realized that in a moment, I can lick an ice cream cone, creepily search FB and listen to the new coldplay album with a great friend. I realized that in a moment I can be happy, and in a moment (particuarly when I'm hormonal) I can cry, I realized that in a moment I can choose that. I hope this lesson continues throughout the next few weeks, throughout the summer and throughout my life.
On Wednesday, I had the honour and privilege of watching five incredible women graduate high-school. Some of them are 21 years old and it has taken them 7 years to do so. But on Wednesday, I witnessed a small miracle. I listened as these girls thanked the few supports they had in their lives. I listened (and yes, definitely cried), as they thanked their children for changing their lives. I realized that so many people think teen pregnancy is such a horrible thing. After watching this display of beauty, love, and accomplishment, I would like to argue the exact opposite. The fact is, for many of this mothers, they have taken a step toward no longer being a statistic, they have decided to take responsibility for their own lives (and their childrens) and believe in themselves and their dreams (mannn, I can hardly do this and I'm childless and 23). As someone who hates the idea of societal success, or progression, I'm just proud that they set out to do something and be someone, and that dream has become a reality for them. This has changed me a little (or A LOT).
This week has also been full of unique surprises. My boyfriend got me my DREAM bike. I have been riding it everyday since. It's actually INCREDIBLE. ( I'll post a picture soon). But I've noticed that since riding it, my attention to my surroundings has increased. The other day, I rode my bike home from an exercise class at the gym. It was raining a little, and I realized that nature is sooo green in the rain. That things come ALIVE in the rain and as romantic and probably vommitty as that may sound, it also changed me a little.
On our last day together, we went to Kensington market, one of my favourite places in Toronto. While walking up and down the streets, there were many many people to watch and listen to. There was one in particular, she was on the other side of the street. She was decked in a hippy-like dress (I'm pretty sure it was some form of tie-die/flowers), with sandles only a peace-loving women would wear. She had long long fraying hair that was tied into, you guessed it, a bun! This was your stereotypical hippy woman. But that's not what caught me eye (or my ears!), she was singing at the top of her lungs (literally) into a carrot. Her eyes were closed like she had entered into another world where she was standing on a stage and she had an audience below (I'm pretty sure the carrot acted as a the microphone in her fantasy world). I'm sure maybe people walking by looked in bewilderment. I'm sure my face even gave off that impression. But there was something beautiful about it. I remember telling my boyfriend that that is freedom. I think that's incredible. While I may not put a tie-die dress on, with birkenstock-like sandles and try and fit my not-long enough hair into a bun and sing at the top of my lungs on the street, I decided that I wanted to find out what my carrot will be. What will be freedom to me.
I've found that the more questions I ask about myself and my life, the more the answers appear.
My best friend (who LOVES books), loaned me this book by Sark called "Eat Mangoes Naked". This book has actually really changed my perspective on things. Sark is trying to show that pleasure is within us and we just need to see it in our own lives. She takes you through different ways of experiencing and acknowledging pleasure.
Coming to the end of my blog, I realized that I AM OKAY. That even though I can't pin-point exactly what the Carrot-lady inside of me is, I know I am free. I know that I can sit in my living room with pillows comforting my body and the blanket that Sim bought me in NC around my legs, drinking my diet-cranberry pop from a straw, watching the rain fall and hit the trees so gently, listening to the birds become ecstatic because they get to find worms more easily, and I love knowing that that is an adventure all its own. I have an incredible life that will continue to be filled with times of pain, struggle, love, joy, hope, seperation, togetherness, carrots and microphones. And I know that I will be okay.
I am seen.
I am known.
I am loved.
Know that you are too.
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