Yesterday I had tea with one of my most important people in my life.
I was thinking on the way home how I always learn from him.
ALWAYS.
If it's simply hanging out and laughing, I learn to live for each moment.
If it's discussing something major, I learn to breath in and always know that someone cares about me.
If it's not even talking, but knowing that we are in the same place together, I learn even my very presence matters and is noticed.
We talked yesterday about the idea of beauty. About how people don't hear that they are beautiful, enough.
About how the word itself hast lost its meaning because of the superficial connotations society has placed on it.
It's funny because there have been few times in my life when I have felt genuinely beautiful.
My grandpa, used to always make me feel like I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. I still remember, when he was in the hospital and couldn't even speak, he would communicate with his eyes. I walked in one day with a smile on my face, so excited to see him. The second he saw me, his eyes lit up and a smile spread across his face as he reached his hand up to grab my hand.
This to me, was the look of beauty.
Another time,
I volunteered at the FRWY last year. For whatever reason, I never thought about my physical appearance when I was working there. I remember one day, a lady came in and ordered a tea, as I took her order I smiled at her politely. She looked at me for a long time, almost uncomfortably long, and finally said: "You have a face that lights up an entire room, I hope in my lifetime I see many more smiles like yours."
I felt like I was on top of the world. I'm pretty sure I went to sleep that night with hurting cheeks because I couldn't stop smiling after that.
There is nothing more perfect, nothing more complete, then being told by someone who cares about you that you are beautiful. There is nothing like looking someone in the eyes and sharing with them that they are spectacular.
A lot of times in feminist theory, there's the idea of reclaiming a word or phrase. I think it's about time to reclaim Beauty. I think it's about time that we start to see the beauty that rests within everyone. Maybe then, we can begin to see the beauty that lies within each of us.
Until then, thank you for seeing the beauty in me.
Know that I think the very same of you.
You are BEAUTIFUL.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Does it MATTER?
I've left this blog thing for far too long.
I am the person who thinks in blogs. When something happens I think of a tag line that i'm going to discuss later in one of my bloggings...and usually never end up getting to the actual typing process.
Finally, here I sit. My brain filled with probably a lot of useless thought...but hopefully through my spillage something will appear.
I had tea with one of my closest people last week. We often discuss our hopes for the future, she usually gives me some food for thought, a challenge here and there, and a lot of encouragement on the things I want to see take shape.
This night, in particular, she told me about the making of a story. She had been listening to a speaker and he was discussing the importance of characters within a story. She said something that made me think really hard...and has not left my head since. She said that sometimes it isn't about accomplishing THE DREAM or dreams that one may have, but instead looking to the process and person that lies behind the dream.
For someone like me, who always wants to have my own dreams, that became really encouraging. Whenever someone would ask me what my dreams are, it became a struggle for me even to spout off my hopes (which for some, aren't even real dreams). I always enjoy hearing someone else dream, and I love believing in those...even sometimes to the point of making it my dream to see that person's dream come true.
So when she told me that it's not about the dream, necessarily, it was a hard thing to digest.
In the end, she said DOES IT REALLY MATTER?!
She used the example of a women who's goal it was to dig 1000 wells in some country/village that needed fresh water. This dream mattered, she mattered. But it didn't matter if she made 1000 wells or 1--in the end she made a difference.
She tied this in with talking about how stories need a hero. And sometimes, most times even, the hero never fully lives out their life dreams. Instead, you always see a struggle, a sacrifice, a willing step to help someone, instead of using their powers/gifts for the good of themselves.
This is slightly world-changing for me.
I've always has this idea of moving to an inner city. I've had this idea of being with the people I claim to care most about, the marginalized, the forsaken, the poor. I talk a lot of shit, and have very few practical examples in my life to show that this is a huge desire of mine (in fact, i think I have some that could be used to prove the antithesis of that statement). I've struggled with this idea for the last little while. I've had a couple people say that want to join me in this. I've been so excited to know that I'm not going to go in alone (shit...downtown is scarrrrrry). But I realized, that the hero of my story would sacrifice fear, would sacrifice the potential and probability of something going seriously wrong, being a single girl in a big city with people i don't know enough about, would struggle giving up what they already know, would struggle with not being okay with just mediocre. Would finally step out of her comforting place of safeness and become something, or someone that matters.
Like I said, this has been on my mind for awhile now. Last night, at youth group, I had to close my eyes (even just to get away from the lights and flashy-ness that sometimes can be overwhelming), and I saw myself, walking down a residential street in Hamilton. I saw myself passing by people on the street and knowing their names. I saw myself talking to them, I saw myself hugging them and caring about them. When I opened my eyes, I thought that I was about to cry, as I realized that this vision, included only me. It scared me huge, because I desparately don't want to be in this life alone. I realized (again), that that didn't matter. It didn't matter if I have a 100 people join me or no one, this is and has become something I must do. I realized that even if I don't end up going by myself, the first step out, is a step alone. And that scares the shit out of me.
I guess this made me start thinking about belonging. For the greater part of my life, I've never belonged to something or someone(s). I've always been a "floater" (in highschool), where I'd move from group to group, where I'd talk to everyone, but know very few. I've been the girl that has a lot of things to do, but nothing of severe impact. I've been the girl who retreats when I get too close to a person or group, for fear they will know me, and know me well, and then reject me.
I realized that I've patterned my life now after that. I've segregated my life to the point that I can't even drive 20 minutes to everyone that matters most to me. Even geographically, I'm scattered.
I thought about how difficult this is for me, because now, more than ever, I want to belong. I want to matter.
Maybe it's about making sure that my time and my values/hopes are aligned (which at the moment, are definitely not). Maybe it's about seeing the baby steps as just as important as the big steps.
Maybe it's just about getting over my egotistical mind and finally realizing that this great world does not revolve around me. Maybe it invovles re-evaluating, if i really matter and who I matter to. Maybe it's about staying in this state of confusion, so that I can be content where I am now but that I don't have to be content to stay that way.
I guess in the end, it comes down to WHAT REALLY MATTERS?
Am I living a life that matters?
To who does it matter?
These questions are questions that I will continue to ask myself. Hopefully, I'll come up with some type of answer within this lifetime...maybe not, maybe I'll continue questioning...but maybe that's the point.
I am the person who thinks in blogs. When something happens I think of a tag line that i'm going to discuss later in one of my bloggings...and usually never end up getting to the actual typing process.
Finally, here I sit. My brain filled with probably a lot of useless thought...but hopefully through my spillage something will appear.
I had tea with one of my closest people last week. We often discuss our hopes for the future, she usually gives me some food for thought, a challenge here and there, and a lot of encouragement on the things I want to see take shape.
This night, in particular, she told me about the making of a story. She had been listening to a speaker and he was discussing the importance of characters within a story. She said something that made me think really hard...and has not left my head since. She said that sometimes it isn't about accomplishing THE DREAM or dreams that one may have, but instead looking to the process and person that lies behind the dream.
For someone like me, who always wants to have my own dreams, that became really encouraging. Whenever someone would ask me what my dreams are, it became a struggle for me even to spout off my hopes (which for some, aren't even real dreams). I always enjoy hearing someone else dream, and I love believing in those...even sometimes to the point of making it my dream to see that person's dream come true.
So when she told me that it's not about the dream, necessarily, it was a hard thing to digest.
In the end, she said DOES IT REALLY MATTER?!
She used the example of a women who's goal it was to dig 1000 wells in some country/village that needed fresh water. This dream mattered, she mattered. But it didn't matter if she made 1000 wells or 1--in the end she made a difference.
She tied this in with talking about how stories need a hero. And sometimes, most times even, the hero never fully lives out their life dreams. Instead, you always see a struggle, a sacrifice, a willing step to help someone, instead of using their powers/gifts for the good of themselves.
This is slightly world-changing for me.
I've always has this idea of moving to an inner city. I've had this idea of being with the people I claim to care most about, the marginalized, the forsaken, the poor. I talk a lot of shit, and have very few practical examples in my life to show that this is a huge desire of mine (in fact, i think I have some that could be used to prove the antithesis of that statement). I've struggled with this idea for the last little while. I've had a couple people say that want to join me in this. I've been so excited to know that I'm not going to go in alone (shit...downtown is scarrrrrry). But I realized, that the hero of my story would sacrifice fear, would sacrifice the potential and probability of something going seriously wrong, being a single girl in a big city with people i don't know enough about, would struggle giving up what they already know, would struggle with not being okay with just mediocre. Would finally step out of her comforting place of safeness and become something, or someone that matters.
Like I said, this has been on my mind for awhile now. Last night, at youth group, I had to close my eyes (even just to get away from the lights and flashy-ness that sometimes can be overwhelming), and I saw myself, walking down a residential street in Hamilton. I saw myself passing by people on the street and knowing their names. I saw myself talking to them, I saw myself hugging them and caring about them. When I opened my eyes, I thought that I was about to cry, as I realized that this vision, included only me. It scared me huge, because I desparately don't want to be in this life alone. I realized (again), that that didn't matter. It didn't matter if I have a 100 people join me or no one, this is and has become something I must do. I realized that even if I don't end up going by myself, the first step out, is a step alone. And that scares the shit out of me.
I guess this made me start thinking about belonging. For the greater part of my life, I've never belonged to something or someone(s). I've always been a "floater" (in highschool), where I'd move from group to group, where I'd talk to everyone, but know very few. I've been the girl that has a lot of things to do, but nothing of severe impact. I've been the girl who retreats when I get too close to a person or group, for fear they will know me, and know me well, and then reject me.
I realized that I've patterned my life now after that. I've segregated my life to the point that I can't even drive 20 minutes to everyone that matters most to me. Even geographically, I'm scattered.
I thought about how difficult this is for me, because now, more than ever, I want to belong. I want to matter.
Maybe it's about making sure that my time and my values/hopes are aligned (which at the moment, are definitely not). Maybe it's about seeing the baby steps as just as important as the big steps.
Maybe it's just about getting over my egotistical mind and finally realizing that this great world does not revolve around me. Maybe it invovles re-evaluating, if i really matter and who I matter to. Maybe it's about staying in this state of confusion, so that I can be content where I am now but that I don't have to be content to stay that way.
I guess in the end, it comes down to WHAT REALLY MATTERS?
Am I living a life that matters?
To who does it matter?
These questions are questions that I will continue to ask myself. Hopefully, I'll come up with some type of answer within this lifetime...maybe not, maybe I'll continue questioning...but maybe that's the point.
Monday, November 12, 2007
The Lake
Over the past few days I've had the on-off feeling of dissatisfaction or discontentment.
Which I hate.
I sometimes hate thinking about life in the future, because I feel an overwhelming sense of fear. Fear that I will just remain and nothing will come of my life. Fear that I will see all the options and take WAY too long to decide which best suits me. Fear that what I do have right now that provides me with comfort, safety and security will be ripped from me if I do even the slightest thing wrong.
Last Sunday, I was sad, frustrated, hurt, and just wanted to escape the world. I drove away from where I was. I didn't really know where I was going or what I was going to do when I got there, but I just kept driving. I found myself at the lake...listening to none other than Bon Jovi. It was a song about brokenness. In the chorus, he sings, "It's okay to feel a little broken, everybody's broken, in this life..." As I listened, immediate tears sprung from my eyes and I felt like I wasn't in control of me anymore.
I started mummbling, and the one question, "WHY WHY WHY" kept coming off my lips.
A lot of time went by and as if to have my question answered, I looked out over the lake. I saw the water moving, but it was never certain what direction it was going in. I realized that's kind of like me. I keep moving, but I have no guaranteed direction. I also realized that I don't necessarily need to.
I can't tell you how much peace this brought me. I came to the realization, that I just need to keep moving. I need to keep being. I need to keep running, walking, even crawling if I have to. In the end, the water will accomplish it's purpose. And in the end I will accomplish mine...
That's it for now. Just to let you know...these feelings of discontent do not stem from relationships or people surrounding me. I'm just thankful that like the masses and masses of water, there are masses and masses of people all moving in different directions and accomplishing their purposes in life.
Which I hate.
I sometimes hate thinking about life in the future, because I feel an overwhelming sense of fear. Fear that I will just remain and nothing will come of my life. Fear that I will see all the options and take WAY too long to decide which best suits me. Fear that what I do have right now that provides me with comfort, safety and security will be ripped from me if I do even the slightest thing wrong.
Last Sunday, I was sad, frustrated, hurt, and just wanted to escape the world. I drove away from where I was. I didn't really know where I was going or what I was going to do when I got there, but I just kept driving. I found myself at the lake...listening to none other than Bon Jovi. It was a song about brokenness. In the chorus, he sings, "It's okay to feel a little broken, everybody's broken, in this life..." As I listened, immediate tears sprung from my eyes and I felt like I wasn't in control of me anymore.
I started mummbling, and the one question, "WHY WHY WHY" kept coming off my lips.
A lot of time went by and as if to have my question answered, I looked out over the lake. I saw the water moving, but it was never certain what direction it was going in. I realized that's kind of like me. I keep moving, but I have no guaranteed direction. I also realized that I don't necessarily need to.
I can't tell you how much peace this brought me. I came to the realization, that I just need to keep moving. I need to keep being. I need to keep running, walking, even crawling if I have to. In the end, the water will accomplish it's purpose. And in the end I will accomplish mine...
That's it for now. Just to let you know...these feelings of discontent do not stem from relationships or people surrounding me. I'm just thankful that like the masses and masses of water, there are masses and masses of people all moving in different directions and accomplishing their purposes in life.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Expressions
We can do no great things, only little things with GREAT love
Mother Theresa
It's funny how we fantasize about a world other than what we live in. It's funny how I dream about a life I want someday. The closer I get to that, I realize, that sometimes it's not all it's cracked up to be.
Let me explain.
Last year at this time, I had fantastical thoughts about living the (dare I say it), "simple life". I actually think it was around this time that I got a lot of my clothes together and gave them away...man that felt great. I decided in my brain that I wanted to help people as a job and I wanted to live in Hamilton, to be amongst the marginalized and forsaken.
I felt like a good human being. I felt like just even dreaming, talking, and thinking about it that I was making a difference.
As many of you already know, I began working within the social service field. I work with teen moms and their babies.
I love it, I absolutely love it. I get to hold babies all day, some crying, some laughing, some sleeping, but all huge little buddles of love.
I just realized though, that this job is not easy. It's not easy, b/c I see and hear about horrible things that happen to these little humans. All of which, don't really have a choice in the matter. This job was definitely more glamourous in thought and dream.
I realized that sometimes changing the world, starts with one person. Starts by changing the world of ONE individual.
Sometimes we can make helping people seem like we were God's gift to the universe. Sometimes I can be prideful of the life I want to live. But with all sincerity, the more and more I start living it, the more and more I realize how much of a struggle it will be.
I realized that when people told me to "come and see", it is necessary to do so. Sometimes loving people means the littlest, simplest, expressions of care, touch, vulnerability, and availability.
It's been quite the experience working where I work. Sometimes I hear about things that should only ever happen in the movies...and even there is not necessary. To be honest with you, it's not glamourous, or remotely attractive.
Mother Theresa was a smart woman. She understood the fact that to change the face of the world, we need to realize that we can only do so, through the purest and kindest little acts of love.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Photographic Essay: My Ovaries
Sometimes when lonliness, isolation, and hurt plague me...all I have to do is look around and realize, I have some of the BEST friends in the world.
Friday, October 5, 2007
Employment---finally!
After having a severe stress attack last night about my employment, I got the call back.
I've been hired somewhere, well, not officially as I need to fill out the paper work, but I got the call. The you are good-enough to work here call. The you are experienced enough to be part of our team.
I'm excited.
I'm also really scared.
I enjoy a challenge, but this is more than that...this is me beginning a new phase of life.
It's the marker all right.
Life is changing...it has already changed...
I'm excited.
But I'm also really scared.
I've been hired somewhere, well, not officially as I need to fill out the paper work, but I got the call. The you are good-enough to work here call. The you are experienced enough to be part of our team.
I'm excited.
I'm also really scared.
I enjoy a challenge, but this is more than that...this is me beginning a new phase of life.
It's the marker all right.
Life is changing...it has already changed...
I'm excited.
But I'm also really scared.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Enough-ness
For as long as you can remember, you have been a pleaser, depending on others to give you an identity. You need not look at that only in a negative way. You wanted to give your heart to others, and you did so quickly and easily. But now you are being asked to let go of all these self-made props and trust that God is enough for you. You must stop being a pleaser and reclaim your identity as a free self.Henri Nouwen.
I've been a huge fan of Henri Nouwen for a number of years now. Just recently, I've picked up a few of his books and began reading them again.
He's a rather profound man. Simplistic, yet provoking, thoughts.
For a longggg time, I've thought about this concept. The "enough-ness" of God. The idea that I need to find MY identity in something I've never seen, and further, to let that be enough, is mind-boggling.
There's a lot of things I've come to grips with over the last few months. A lot of insecurities, hurt, and discouragement. It's wierd when you get to a place where you're no longer driven by the pain that entangles, or used to entangle, your heart.
Because I'm someone who constantly surrounds themselves with people, with touch, with sounds, with quality time, I consistently face the pressure of defining myself by the relationships I'm in, or not in. I think this will be an on-going struggle.
I think that even further than the "enough-ness" of God, is the "enough-ness" of me. Knowing that I'm enough to be friends with you. Knowing that I'm enough to be someone's daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend, acquaintance, stranger. It's a hard concept to grasp.
Recently, I was thinking about this idea.
And was reminded of the simple idea that if God is enough for me, naturally, I become enough for you.
I've realized that I need to stop being a pleaser, I need to stop trying to constantly find myself in others, I've given my heart to a lot of people...and it's good. But it's high time for me to continually give ownership over to the one who created it.______________________________________
In a more practical sense. For me, currently, I've been extremely stressed about finding employment. I've applied a number of different places. I had an interview at a place that I would LOVE to work at. They told me they'd call my references on friday and get back to me within the next week. It's currently Wednesday and they haven't called my references or me....major BUMMER.
I'm getting sick, my muscles ache, and I find myself having mini episodes of severe panic. How do I find contentment and "enough-ness" in this?
God has been showing me in the wierdest ways, that in His time, everything will be fine.
I guess this is one my man-made props that I need to let go of, and trust that God is enough.
Enough...it's a funny word.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Intimate
It has been awhile since I've typed out my thoughts on here.
It's crazy how fast life can go.
It's currently October 1st, and I have yet to find a job.
Scary thought, one that I've thought about, worried over and have currently decided to let go of...a job will come when it's time.
A lot has been on my mind since I've last wrote on here. While, I wish I had the time/typing skills to spill everything, there is one thing that made me realize I wanted to blog again.
I've been thinking a lot about the idea of intimacy. I know that when a lot of people see that word, they think of being in a relationship, marriage, or sex. But really it has far deeper meaning than given credit.
I particularly thought of it yesterday. I was sitting with one my girls, Rachel, and she asked me if I liked attending "The Attic" (a night of extended singing). I told her that I liked it because everyone was there, not because I feel singing is my main, or even a substantial, part of my worship to God. She asked me, how do you feel closest to God. I didn't know how to respond. I've never been one of those people that sees God as an emotion...while I know that to some people He is, and I'm not taking away anything from that or trying to de-romanticize the idea of that. What I am in the process of thinking though, is how do I know that God is there? It became frustrating to me last night, because singing seems like such an easy way to "connect" with God. For so many people, that's their emotional tie to God. As hard as I can try, it never works the same for me...and I'm beginning to see, that it never should.
Last night, I spent the majority of my time at the back dancing with two little (and beautiful) girls. The littlest one would always ask me to spin her around. At one point, I remember looking down at her face as I was spinning, and I knew God had given me that moment to be present. He gave me that moment of intimacy, the feeling of a familiar association with him. To watch her face light up, to see her smile turn into a full out giggle, to see her cute blonde curls blowing in the wind that was created by me spinning her. That was my intimate moment.
On the car ride home, I thought about some other intimate times.
Friday night, I shared a meal with 3 really important women in my life, Tali, Deb and Lauren. They came over and we sat around my dining room table and discussed, at length, women's issues and many theories and ideologies of oppression. To care about the deep details of the passion of my beating heart, that was intimate.
Last week, I had all my closest friends over, we also shared a meal. I remember sitting at the top of the table, and couldn't stop smiling, mostly because I was surrounded by people who KNOW me. People who have been united with me and will hopefully remain that way for a longgg time to come.
I also think about when I'm being hugged by someone that knows me the best. Someone that has seen me at my worst and my best. Someone that knows when I'm tired, I get uncensored and cynical, and loves it. Someone that doesn't need to speak or have me speak, but just likes to embrace and know me.
Intimacy is such a unique and special characterization for relationships.
I've decided that sometimes, most times for me, some of the most vivid and important times of worship, come at the most unexpected times. What I'm beginning to see, is that without people, without community, without being known, there can never be intimate times of worship. God has so beautifully designed us to be together so that we can experience Him in human form, we can experience His joy, His love, His grace, His presence through the people around us.
I've heard the phrase, "Come and See" a lot recently.
I think that's the design of our hearts, to come and see God as he designed us and others to be. And to see how being intimate can cause us to be fully present with each other...and I think that's incredible.
It's crazy how fast life can go.
It's currently October 1st, and I have yet to find a job.
Scary thought, one that I've thought about, worried over and have currently decided to let go of...a job will come when it's time.
A lot has been on my mind since I've last wrote on here. While, I wish I had the time/typing skills to spill everything, there is one thing that made me realize I wanted to blog again.
I've been thinking a lot about the idea of intimacy. I know that when a lot of people see that word, they think of being in a relationship, marriage, or sex. But really it has far deeper meaning than given credit.
I particularly thought of it yesterday. I was sitting with one my girls, Rachel, and she asked me if I liked attending "The Attic" (a night of extended singing). I told her that I liked it because everyone was there, not because I feel singing is my main, or even a substantial, part of my worship to God. She asked me, how do you feel closest to God. I didn't know how to respond. I've never been one of those people that sees God as an emotion...while I know that to some people He is, and I'm not taking away anything from that or trying to de-romanticize the idea of that. What I am in the process of thinking though, is how do I know that God is there? It became frustrating to me last night, because singing seems like such an easy way to "connect" with God. For so many people, that's their emotional tie to God. As hard as I can try, it never works the same for me...and I'm beginning to see, that it never should.
Last night, I spent the majority of my time at the back dancing with two little (and beautiful) girls. The littlest one would always ask me to spin her around. At one point, I remember looking down at her face as I was spinning, and I knew God had given me that moment to be present. He gave me that moment of intimacy, the feeling of a familiar association with him. To watch her face light up, to see her smile turn into a full out giggle, to see her cute blonde curls blowing in the wind that was created by me spinning her. That was my intimate moment.
On the car ride home, I thought about some other intimate times.
Friday night, I shared a meal with 3 really important women in my life, Tali, Deb and Lauren. They came over and we sat around my dining room table and discussed, at length, women's issues and many theories and ideologies of oppression. To care about the deep details of the passion of my beating heart, that was intimate.
Last week, I had all my closest friends over, we also shared a meal. I remember sitting at the top of the table, and couldn't stop smiling, mostly because I was surrounded by people who KNOW me. People who have been united with me and will hopefully remain that way for a longgg time to come.
I also think about when I'm being hugged by someone that knows me the best. Someone that has seen me at my worst and my best. Someone that knows when I'm tired, I get uncensored and cynical, and loves it. Someone that doesn't need to speak or have me speak, but just likes to embrace and know me.
Intimacy is such a unique and special characterization for relationships.
I've decided that sometimes, most times for me, some of the most vivid and important times of worship, come at the most unexpected times. What I'm beginning to see, is that without people, without community, without being known, there can never be intimate times of worship. God has so beautifully designed us to be together so that we can experience Him in human form, we can experience His joy, His love, His grace, His presence through the people around us.
I've heard the phrase, "Come and See" a lot recently.
I think that's the design of our hearts, to come and see God as he designed us and others to be. And to see how being intimate can cause us to be fully present with each other...and I think that's incredible.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Summer of LOVVVVVVVVVVE
Wow,
a lot has happened since i last posted on here.
i wish i could update you on eveything...I'll try and see how much i can.
I don't know if anyone will even see this because it's probably assumed that i've been on a hiatus because I've been up at camp.
This summer, I realized that over the past year i've learned a lot about myself.
I've learned that I'm more aware of who I am and how i react to things.
It's been an interesting summer to say the least.
As I sit here and type I'm even trying to think about what I most want to write about...and I have absolutely nothing in my brain.
LIT has been amazing...every year I'm always astounded at how much I learn from these 15 and 16 year olds.
We just started our last week of official LIT, follow up week we call it.
Today, I was sitting with two of the greatest girls, Nat and Em. We were chatting about taking risk (surprised?). I looked at both of them and realized somethiong so cool, something that i've really learned about this summer, community.
I've been thinking about what community means. Camp has been changing a lot of its rules and procedures to try and better accomodate for a safe and secure environment for staff to feel like an integral part of community. I began thinking about this. It's really true. Camp has been a safe place for me for a long time. Cuddling with the girls, reminded me of how unique the camp setting is. How so fast you can learn to care about someone, how fast you can become best friends with the people around you, how fast you can learn to be trusted and to trust. It's actuallay astounding.
These girls know a lot about me, they know my bitchy ways and my monsterous reactions, they know my good, my bad, my ugly. I've even caught them using a lot of my catch phrases and laughed (phrases like, "that's lame" with the Amanda eye-roll).
We were talking about being good enough.
This is something I'm also so fearful of. Being good enough. Being a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good best friend, a good girlfriend, a good leader. Today, I thought for a longgg time about it with my girls. I came to this conclusion:
It's quite a beautiful contradiction actually, we should never have to feel we need to be "good enough" for people around us, b/c our identity can only rest in one person and that's Jesus. Having said that, the caring community around us is responsible for ensuring that we know we are good enough, and ever further, more than enough, for them.
These last few months have been really interesting in terms of my relationships. I have come to easily trust some of the people around me, and it's been really beautiful. I've also taken up letter writing to some people who are not with me. There's a couple relationiship experiences I'm going to talk about:
1.) I've just (as in the last 2 months) recently started dating the best person ever. While, we are right down the road from each other, visits are minimal especially since camp officially started. Something that I'm learning/have learned from this is that when you are so used to being on your own for a long time, it's hard to think about life in the 2-person. It's no longer "I", it's thinking about "we". Wow, that's even scary to type. The other crazy thing is how fast you learn to really really trust the person. Don't get me wrong, I definitely trusted him with a lot before we started dating. But to know that someone has seen the bad and good sides of me and loves me regardless is hard thing to grasp. It's also a really humbling experience. I've loved the many conversations, txt messages, and even the silences on a long car rides sometimes and I look forward to continually trusting and risking. It's a safe feeling knowing that my heart is valued and loved. He's taught me a lot about the kind of leader I want to be too. He's incredibly dedicated to his staff and kids, consistently placing them above him, even to the point of neglecting himself. He's one of the most self-less people I know, it means a lot to know that I have him constantly challenging me to be a better person.
2.) This is my fourth summer at LIT, I've gone through 3 partners now. This partner has definitely been my 100%, best partner EVERRRRR. Ryan has taught me a lot. He's taught me that even though sometimes people annoy you, you need to love them. For whatever reason, he's ALWAYS right about how love can change people. Any kids we had that were annoying, I noticed that through our love, they felt comfortable and vulnerable enough to share their lives. Often this sharing resulted in me understanding why they acted the way they did. Ryan also put up with a lot of me talking and trying to figure out life. Regardless of my harsh judgements or sometimes painfully annoying habits, he cared about me. He's become someone that I always want to be around, b/c when he's around I always learn from him. He's someone I hope to spend a lot of time with this year. I know it might be a little over the top to say, but he reminds me a lot of Gandhi. He's wise beyond his years and I hope that I can learn from him more and more. I'm just thankful he lives down the street from me for the majority of the year.
3.) A couple of the other staff have taught me a lot too. Two brothers have been working on staff. I was friends with the oldest one (Matt) first and then became really really close to the younger one (Luke) who lives near me in Hamilton. It's been such an beautiful and unique expereince working with both of them on staff. They both are filled with knowledge and wisdom. Sometimes, I just want to sit with them and listen to them talk. It's sometimes intimidating how much they know, more so, that they choose to be patient know only with me, but also so many others. It's refreshing actually. I love knowing that they care about me. Knowing that they look out for my best interests.
I could go on. I've already talked briefly about my girls. It's been such an amazing summer of laughing, fighting, loving, cuddling, crying, and punching with rage with them. It's definitely been a great summer to end off on.
It's crazy that people can change and transform your heart so drastically. It's been almost two months and man oh man has these last two months been so special to my life.
I'm definitely going to miss this community. Mostly because I feel valued and cared for in such a real way. I know that will continue throughout the year in different ways, but it's hard to say good bye to this unique, beautiful, and temporary state of bliss and pain.
I feel like I'm just rabbling here.
Hopefully I've learned something about community, that I can take home and learn to create a better caring community, not that it isn't great already. I miss home a lot. I'm in the middle of missing camp (even though i'm still here) and missing home. Maybe because those communities cross over, I'm really not sure.
I'm so thankful for the time I've had up here. While a lot of shit has happened and a lot of hurt has occured, not only as a staff but personally within me, it's been one hell of a ride. Never ever to be forgotten.
Hopefully there will be more to come this week.
The book I'm currently re-reading is Life of the Beloved by Henri Nouwen, maybe I'll comment on that later.
a lot has happened since i last posted on here.
i wish i could update you on eveything...I'll try and see how much i can.
I don't know if anyone will even see this because it's probably assumed that i've been on a hiatus because I've been up at camp.
This summer, I realized that over the past year i've learned a lot about myself.
I've learned that I'm more aware of who I am and how i react to things.
It's been an interesting summer to say the least.
As I sit here and type I'm even trying to think about what I most want to write about...and I have absolutely nothing in my brain.
LIT has been amazing...every year I'm always astounded at how much I learn from these 15 and 16 year olds.
We just started our last week of official LIT, follow up week we call it.
Today, I was sitting with two of the greatest girls, Nat and Em. We were chatting about taking risk (surprised?). I looked at both of them and realized somethiong so cool, something that i've really learned about this summer, community.
I've been thinking about what community means. Camp has been changing a lot of its rules and procedures to try and better accomodate for a safe and secure environment for staff to feel like an integral part of community. I began thinking about this. It's really true. Camp has been a safe place for me for a long time. Cuddling with the girls, reminded me of how unique the camp setting is. How so fast you can learn to care about someone, how fast you can become best friends with the people around you, how fast you can learn to be trusted and to trust. It's actuallay astounding.
These girls know a lot about me, they know my bitchy ways and my monsterous reactions, they know my good, my bad, my ugly. I've even caught them using a lot of my catch phrases and laughed (phrases like, "that's lame" with the Amanda eye-roll).
We were talking about being good enough.
This is something I'm also so fearful of. Being good enough. Being a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good best friend, a good girlfriend, a good leader. Today, I thought for a longgg time about it with my girls. I came to this conclusion:
It's quite a beautiful contradiction actually, we should never have to feel we need to be "good enough" for people around us, b/c our identity can only rest in one person and that's Jesus. Having said that, the caring community around us is responsible for ensuring that we know we are good enough, and ever further, more than enough, for them.
These last few months have been really interesting in terms of my relationships. I have come to easily trust some of the people around me, and it's been really beautiful. I've also taken up letter writing to some people who are not with me. There's a couple relationiship experiences I'm going to talk about:
1.) I've just (as in the last 2 months) recently started dating the best person ever. While, we are right down the road from each other, visits are minimal especially since camp officially started. Something that I'm learning/have learned from this is that when you are so used to being on your own for a long time, it's hard to think about life in the 2-person. It's no longer "I", it's thinking about "we". Wow, that's even scary to type. The other crazy thing is how fast you learn to really really trust the person. Don't get me wrong, I definitely trusted him with a lot before we started dating. But to know that someone has seen the bad and good sides of me and loves me regardless is hard thing to grasp. It's also a really humbling experience. I've loved the many conversations, txt messages, and even the silences on a long car rides sometimes and I look forward to continually trusting and risking. It's a safe feeling knowing that my heart is valued and loved. He's taught me a lot about the kind of leader I want to be too. He's incredibly dedicated to his staff and kids, consistently placing them above him, even to the point of neglecting himself. He's one of the most self-less people I know, it means a lot to know that I have him constantly challenging me to be a better person.
2.) This is my fourth summer at LIT, I've gone through 3 partners now. This partner has definitely been my 100%, best partner EVERRRRR. Ryan has taught me a lot. He's taught me that even though sometimes people annoy you, you need to love them. For whatever reason, he's ALWAYS right about how love can change people. Any kids we had that were annoying, I noticed that through our love, they felt comfortable and vulnerable enough to share their lives. Often this sharing resulted in me understanding why they acted the way they did. Ryan also put up with a lot of me talking and trying to figure out life. Regardless of my harsh judgements or sometimes painfully annoying habits, he cared about me. He's become someone that I always want to be around, b/c when he's around I always learn from him. He's someone I hope to spend a lot of time with this year. I know it might be a little over the top to say, but he reminds me a lot of Gandhi. He's wise beyond his years and I hope that I can learn from him more and more. I'm just thankful he lives down the street from me for the majority of the year.
3.) A couple of the other staff have taught me a lot too. Two brothers have been working on staff. I was friends with the oldest one (Matt) first and then became really really close to the younger one (Luke) who lives near me in Hamilton. It's been such an beautiful and unique expereince working with both of them on staff. They both are filled with knowledge and wisdom. Sometimes, I just want to sit with them and listen to them talk. It's sometimes intimidating how much they know, more so, that they choose to be patient know only with me, but also so many others. It's refreshing actually. I love knowing that they care about me. Knowing that they look out for my best interests.
I could go on. I've already talked briefly about my girls. It's been such an amazing summer of laughing, fighting, loving, cuddling, crying, and punching with rage with them. It's definitely been a great summer to end off on.
It's crazy that people can change and transform your heart so drastically. It's been almost two months and man oh man has these last two months been so special to my life.
I'm definitely going to miss this community. Mostly because I feel valued and cared for in such a real way. I know that will continue throughout the year in different ways, but it's hard to say good bye to this unique, beautiful, and temporary state of bliss and pain.
I feel like I'm just rabbling here.
Hopefully I've learned something about community, that I can take home and learn to create a better caring community, not that it isn't great already. I miss home a lot. I'm in the middle of missing camp (even though i'm still here) and missing home. Maybe because those communities cross over, I'm really not sure.
I'm so thankful for the time I've had up here. While a lot of shit has happened and a lot of hurt has occured, not only as a staff but personally within me, it's been one hell of a ride. Never ever to be forgotten.
Hopefully there will be more to come this week.
The book I'm currently re-reading is Life of the Beloved by Henri Nouwen, maybe I'll comment on that later.
Friday, June 15, 2007
WARNING: thinking in OVERDRIVE ahead.
After another night of tossing and turning, I decided maybe it's about time to write another one of these therapeutic blogs. My brain is/has been on overdrive for the last week, overdrive might be a bit of an understatement, but for lack of a better word, I'll use overdrive. This state of thinking happens every so often. For the most part, I love when new things come to me, but I've noticed that the process of thinking is difficult and frustrating.
I'd like to think that a core value I have is my relationships. I hope that the people closest to me, know without a doubt that they are important, loved, and so so so valued by me. Maybe I began thinking about relationships because over the last few months I have been involved with people who have shown me raw love, community, and care. So much so that I began wondering what REAL relationships require. Here's my thinking so far:
I've realized that I should rename my blog, RISK...that's usually what everything comes back to anyways.
Life is a one ball of RISK.
In each and every decision we make, there is the risk that it was/is wrong. For some things this risk becomes easy. Chocolate or Vanilla? CHOCOLATE. Fine dining or Pizza? PIZZA. Inside or outside? OUTSIDE. There is little to no risk, because I know what I prefer. I know my favourites, and it's easy to always choose that.
On the other hand, there are many MANY big decisions and risks that we make and take. I think for me, the biggest decisions ALWAYS involve more than one person, they are always bigger than me. I think that's why it becomes so hard to choose or decide that risk.
After talking to a good friend yesterday, I had a "light-bulb" moment, if you will.
To give a little bit of a preface to this light-bulb occurence, there's something you need to know about me. Something that probably by reading my past blogs you'll already understand. I don't like risk. I don't like the thought of going out on a limb, stepping out, further, putting my heart on the line, to have the potential of it breaking or being rejected. The thought of that even, makes me sick.
It's funny how things work out though, because what I'm beginning to see is that risk in any relationship is necessary. Not only is it necessary, but by risking, you're attributing and giving worth to someone. I'd like to go even one step further to say that when risking, when choosing to go out on a limb, when choosing (ohhh gosh, here comes the forbidden word) to be vulnerable enough to share your heart with someone, something so beautiful happens. You give ULTIMATE worth and value to the person you're choosing to take the risk on.
I don't know if this makes sense.
For someone who doesn't like risk, it scares the shit out of me. The other funny thing too is, is to think that people will take risks on me. I think that thought scares me even more. To think that someone values ME enough to risk blows my mind. I don't even know how often this really happens.
My friend once told me, after she read one of her many books, that we need to understand that we are worth it.
I am worth it.
That's a hard concept to grasp. It's hard because all too often, we don't allow people to be worth it to us. We don't allow people to enter into our hearts and our world, for fear of what? Being rejected?
I'm beginning to think that the positive outcomes and benefits that are associated with risk-taking far outweigh the fear, and even the reality of being rejected. Even in taking little risks with the people most important to me, I've seen the benefit of risk taking.
I know that risk-taking isn't an attribute that comes over night... I'm not even sure if it's something you can DECIDE to do. Maybe it is. All I know is that, it's worth it.
One of my greatest insecurities is that I won't be worth it. That I won't be enough.
I will fail. I will be replaced. I will be rejected.
The truth is, that will be the case for some people. The kinda crazy part about that is I'm okay with that.
I'm okay with that, because I'd like to believe that to someone I'm worth it. I am enough, I'm more than enough. I won't ever be replaced, and further, my heart will be protected rather than rejected.
I realize this might sound all over the place, so if you take anything from this, just know that you are worth it.
At the end of the day, I'd like to believe that when you care so much for someone, their heart/needs are put before your own. I think that this makes taking the risk a little easier, because in the end, your heart will be protected.
I've come the end of my thinking process.
Thank you for listening/reading this babble, I apologize if it's ambiguous or confusing.
You're worth it.
If not to anyone else, you're worth it to me.
If you're like me and think like me, please be reminded (and I'll remind myself while typing this) that to someone, even if it's just ONE person, you are enough, FAR MORE than enough, you are so special, you are SO worth it to someone. So take the risk.
I'd like to think that a core value I have is my relationships. I hope that the people closest to me, know without a doubt that they are important, loved, and so so so valued by me. Maybe I began thinking about relationships because over the last few months I have been involved with people who have shown me raw love, community, and care. So much so that I began wondering what REAL relationships require. Here's my thinking so far:
I've realized that I should rename my blog, RISK...that's usually what everything comes back to anyways.
Life is a one ball of RISK.
In each and every decision we make, there is the risk that it was/is wrong. For some things this risk becomes easy. Chocolate or Vanilla? CHOCOLATE. Fine dining or Pizza? PIZZA. Inside or outside? OUTSIDE. There is little to no risk, because I know what I prefer. I know my favourites, and it's easy to always choose that.
On the other hand, there are many MANY big decisions and risks that we make and take. I think for me, the biggest decisions ALWAYS involve more than one person, they are always bigger than me. I think that's why it becomes so hard to choose or decide that risk.
After talking to a good friend yesterday, I had a "light-bulb" moment, if you will.
To give a little bit of a preface to this light-bulb occurence, there's something you need to know about me. Something that probably by reading my past blogs you'll already understand. I don't like risk. I don't like the thought of going out on a limb, stepping out, further, putting my heart on the line, to have the potential of it breaking or being rejected. The thought of that even, makes me sick.
It's funny how things work out though, because what I'm beginning to see is that risk in any relationship is necessary. Not only is it necessary, but by risking, you're attributing and giving worth to someone. I'd like to go even one step further to say that when risking, when choosing to go out on a limb, when choosing (ohhh gosh, here comes the forbidden word) to be vulnerable enough to share your heart with someone, something so beautiful happens. You give ULTIMATE worth and value to the person you're choosing to take the risk on.
I don't know if this makes sense.
For someone who doesn't like risk, it scares the shit out of me. The other funny thing too is, is to think that people will take risks on me. I think that thought scares me even more. To think that someone values ME enough to risk blows my mind. I don't even know how often this really happens.
My friend once told me, after she read one of her many books, that we need to understand that we are worth it.
I am worth it.
That's a hard concept to grasp. It's hard because all too often, we don't allow people to be worth it to us. We don't allow people to enter into our hearts and our world, for fear of what? Being rejected?
I'm beginning to think that the positive outcomes and benefits that are associated with risk-taking far outweigh the fear, and even the reality of being rejected. Even in taking little risks with the people most important to me, I've seen the benefit of risk taking.
I know that risk-taking isn't an attribute that comes over night... I'm not even sure if it's something you can DECIDE to do. Maybe it is. All I know is that, it's worth it.
One of my greatest insecurities is that I won't be worth it. That I won't be enough.
I will fail. I will be replaced. I will be rejected.
The truth is, that will be the case for some people. The kinda crazy part about that is I'm okay with that.
I'm okay with that, because I'd like to believe that to someone I'm worth it. I am enough, I'm more than enough. I won't ever be replaced, and further, my heart will be protected rather than rejected.
I realize this might sound all over the place, so if you take anything from this, just know that you are worth it.
At the end of the day, I'd like to believe that when you care so much for someone, their heart/needs are put before your own. I think that this makes taking the risk a little easier, because in the end, your heart will be protected.
I've come the end of my thinking process.
Thank you for listening/reading this babble, I apologize if it's ambiguous or confusing.
You're worth it.
If not to anyone else, you're worth it to me.
If you're like me and think like me, please be reminded (and I'll remind myself while typing this) that to someone, even if it's just ONE person, you are enough, FAR MORE than enough, you are so special, you are SO worth it to someone. So take the risk.
Monday, June 11, 2007
"I hate goodbyes"--Lloyd, Dumb and Dumber
My favourite movie is Dumb and Dumber.
One of my favourite scenes, is when Lloyd drops Mary off at the airport and says
uggghh, i HATE good-byes
shhhh...don't say anything...just GO.
I don't think I've done it justice by quoting it in my blog, but hopefully you can visualize it and laugh with me.
I realized this morning that I absolutely HATE saying good-bye.
Mostly because I hate change.
I was having a conversation yesterday with a friend and we were discussing different relationships, friendships and insecurities. Over the last few months I've really come to notice a lot of my own insecurities. I'm someone who needs to know that I'm valued, I need to know that I have a place, and an important place at that, in the lives of those most important to me. I need quality time with people. I need attention...sick I know, but so so true.
Sometimes I feel like a real sissy letting people know my sensitivities and insecurities. I realize we all have them, but at times, I feel like mine are worse than everyone elses.
I also realized that now, more than ever, I care about the relationships that I have.
So much so, that I'm willing to reveal my insecurities. I'm willing to stop retreating. I never really thought I'd ever get to that point. I'm sorta thankful for it. As much as it's a pain in the ass to have to force myself out of my natural instincts, I'm happy to know that some of these relationships will last me, well, hopefully forever.
Even if that's not the case though, I think I've learned for the better. My mom always said:
it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all
I used to NEVER agree with this, but now I'm beginning to see the advantage. Even losing the risk you took on someone, leaves you knowing that you can do it. It is sucky when you feel rejected and hurt, but knowing that you can work past that is worth it.
I realized today, that I'm really going to miss you this summer. I know that I have an exceptional community up north, but it's hard to leave it here. Even with some of my closest community up there, it's not the same, and I'm desparately going to miss that.
I had to say goodbye to the cleaning girls today, they are fun and we talk everytime they are in. I almost cried saying goodbye and I don't even know their last names!
I realized that this year it's going to be rough leaving.
Worse than any year in the past.
It sucks.
One of my favourite scenes, is when Lloyd drops Mary off at the airport and says
uggghh, i HATE good-byes
shhhh...don't say anything...just GO.
I don't think I've done it justice by quoting it in my blog, but hopefully you can visualize it and laugh with me.
I realized this morning that I absolutely HATE saying good-bye.
Mostly because I hate change.
I was having a conversation yesterday with a friend and we were discussing different relationships, friendships and insecurities. Over the last few months I've really come to notice a lot of my own insecurities. I'm someone who needs to know that I'm valued, I need to know that I have a place, and an important place at that, in the lives of those most important to me. I need quality time with people. I need attention...sick I know, but so so true.
Sometimes I feel like a real sissy letting people know my sensitivities and insecurities. I realize we all have them, but at times, I feel like mine are worse than everyone elses.
I also realized that now, more than ever, I care about the relationships that I have.
So much so, that I'm willing to reveal my insecurities. I'm willing to stop retreating. I never really thought I'd ever get to that point. I'm sorta thankful for it. As much as it's a pain in the ass to have to force myself out of my natural instincts, I'm happy to know that some of these relationships will last me, well, hopefully forever.
Even if that's not the case though, I think I've learned for the better. My mom always said:
it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all
I used to NEVER agree with this, but now I'm beginning to see the advantage. Even losing the risk you took on someone, leaves you knowing that you can do it. It is sucky when you feel rejected and hurt, but knowing that you can work past that is worth it.
I realized today, that I'm really going to miss you this summer. I know that I have an exceptional community up north, but it's hard to leave it here. Even with some of my closest community up there, it's not the same, and I'm desparately going to miss that.
I had to say goodbye to the cleaning girls today, they are fun and we talk everytime they are in. I almost cried saying goodbye and I don't even know their last names!
I realized that this year it's going to be rough leaving.
Worse than any year in the past.
It sucks.
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